Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Short Sweet Story of St. Valentine

     "For me? 
      Aw, shucks!"

A long time ago in the the second century in the city of Rome there lived a bishop named Valentine.  Bishop Valentine was a generally good man and certainly no bishopric, but he is remembered today more for a unique talent he possessed than for any positive shepherding of souls he may have achieved.

Valentine was a master maker of world class chocolate.  And since the greatest love of all is love of chocolate (Source: Anybody, except the late Whitney Houston),  he was adored by every man, woman, and child in all the land.

But the townsfolk were concerned.  

What if Bishop Valentine were to stop making chocolate and spend more time shepherding souls? True, that would save countless folk from hell and damnation but what good was that without chocolate covered marshmallows! 

What if he were to be wooed away by another town?  Woe to the one doing the wooing!

And what if his prices were to go up?  That would cause recession, raise the deficit, and necessitate cuts in government entitlements at a time in history when the only government entitlement was a seat at the Coliseum that wasn't actually on the field! 

So the people of Rome developed a special custom to show Bishop Valentine how much they loved him. Every year on his birthday, February 14, each resident of Rome would buy a red rose and present it to Valentine while simultaneously offering to him deep personal words of great affection:

"Roses are red, 
Violets are blue,  
I love you, Dear Valentine, 
And your Mr. Goodbar too!"

"My Sweet Valentine,
 So  forever divine, 
 Just dip my nuts in your chocolate, 
And always be mine!"

"Oh, Darling Valentine,
I am your fan,
You always melt in my mouth 
and not in my hand."

One year, however,  a humble Roman named Minimis actually forgot Valentine's Day. How could this happen? Well,  he was very busy at work  with Rome falling and all and he'd been throwing up from a feast the other night and couldn't get the smell out of his toga, and it was only the second century and there was no custom for mommy to write you a note excusing you for being late in the second century!

Remembering finally that it was February 14, Minimis hurried over to Valentine's Chocolate Shoppe clutching a red rose meant for the master, but got there minutes too late. The shoppe was closed! Minimis flung himself upon the street and began sobbing.  He felt he had offended Valentine and would never again taste his exquisite chocolate, let alone feel morally superior enough to ever again make fun of the goofy spelling of "shoppe" either.

"Chocolate!  Chocolate!" cried out Minimis. "At this point I'll even take the stuff the Jewish people put in their Hanukkah Gelt, which tastes worse than eating actual coinage!"

At that moment, a pretty young girl named Dee was passing by. She had expressed her adoration for Valentine earlier that day and was carrying with her a box of  assorted chocolates from the good bishop. Dee took pity upon Minimis and bade him sample a sample from the sampler. 

So delicious! And so tongue-tied! And so kind of Dee too!  Enthralled by her gesture, Minimis took the lovely rose that he had intended to give to Valentine and presented it to Dee.  And as he did, he spoke the words that he had planned to say to the bishop:

"Be My Valentine,
 Our hearts entwine,
  Slurp a chocolate covered cherry,
 Right off my vine!"

Minimis and Dee smiled at one another.  They looked into each other's eyes.

And then the two of them had sex like wild animals! 

Word quickly spread of the incredible thing that had happened: 

"Didja hear about Valentine's Day?! Dee gave Minimis chocolate, Minimis gave Dee a rose and called her 'his Valentine,' then they gave it to each other like wild animals! Nothing Dee Minimis about that (Ouch!)
Whaddya think, sounds like a plan?"

Soon all throughout Rome couples on Valentine's Day began following the example of Dee and Minimis. One of the two would give chocolate to the other and receive back a rose.  The other would give a rose and receive chocolate.  They would refer to each other as "their Valentines." 

And then they'd go at it with of  the fury of gladiators who like each other a little too much all night! 

In a year or two the smarter couples began dispensing with the roses and each person would both give and receive chocolate.  

And they'd do it EVEN LONGER!

In just a few years no one gave roses to Valentine any longer.  This actually suited the good bishop just fine because the chocolate business was booming better than ever, and truth to tell, St. Valentine --- as he came to be called ---  actually hated roses.  


They always tended to give him bishoprics.

I think this is where we came in. 


If you liked this post, you might also like Like Sex for Chocolate, The Invention of Birthdays, and Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

If you hated this post, well then,  No Chocolate For You! 


Russell said...

Is a sloth a wild animal? If so, will chocolate help pick up the pace so the sex doesn't look like time-lapse video in slow motion?

Perry Block said...

I dunno, Russell, but as you're the only commenter here today, please be my Valentine!

Yes, you can bring your wife too.

Melanie Sherman said...

My dearest Valentine, Perry,

Your blog is, again, very informative and full of well-researched facts. From this article, I am no longer in doubt as to why Hershey outsourced their chocolate to Mexico.

People in Hershey, PA., why didn't you give the Hershey board members roses?

And once again, you've brightened my day, you currently cute valentine, you.

Very truly yours,

Perry Block said...

So formal, Melanie?

Why do you play with my heart in this manner? Don't you have any other toys? And must you keep trying to insert batteries? Batteries are already included.

Melanie, I have made you an offer that concerns the road to Hershey but has nothing to do with the road to Hershey, the one in PA that is. I await your reply! Got any People Magazines for me to read while I'm awaiting?

Happy Valentine's Day, by the way. Stay cute.

Gwen Ellery said...

Haha! Chocolates and roses are Dee Minimus to give on a day like today. :-)

Perry Block said...

Well, what do you expect? Dee and Minimis aren't exactly patricians.

And anyway, it was enough for those two wild animals!