Coming as a surprise to almost no one, Twitter announced today that starting in August it will discontinue Saturday delivery of Direct Messages (aka DMs) to its worldwide network of tweeters (aka tweeps). This development matches the recent decision by Facebook to eliminate Saturday delivery of its once popular but now dismally performing poke and poking products.
"We're in the same boat the U.S. Postal Service was in," said Larry the Bird, CEO & Official Logo of Twitter, "when it cut Saturday mail delivery due to losses caused by us and .... those other dudes. Now we're the ones struggling to compete with new technologies like RealTalk!"
After eliminating Saturday mail in 2013, the Post Office sought to further shave costs by discontinuing delivery of all mail other than the Burpee Seed Catalog, briefly re-positioning itself as a modeling agency for provocative men's shorts, and finally crumbling to dust in February 2015.
New technology RealTalk works by providing an occasional electronic prompt advising users to:
Get up and talk to someone!
RealTalk users then rise from a seated position and seek out another human being within their home (i.e. a family member, friend, evil intruder) or elsewhere (friend, acquaintance, hot one night pickup) to engage in fully interactive interpersonal two-way communication.
"It's damn tough to compete against technology which enables you to see, hear, and talk directly in real time with another person without even needing Skype!" said Twitter's Bird.
Welcome to the New Age of Communications, Twitter! ... and you other dudes too.
If you liked this post, you might also like A Short History of Humanity, Lick the Living, from the Postal Service, and A Short Primer on Poking.
If you hated this post, you know what you can kiss? Bingo!