Monday, February 25, 2013

Adventures in Cheese Hating

Everyone has a certain food that they don’t care for, and for me, that food happens to be cheese. I not only dislike the taste of cheese, I hate the look, smell, and feel of the greasy, runny, gooey stuff.

Let’s just call it an advanced case of Fromage-a-Phobia.  

These are days of great tolerance in America. It’s perfectly acceptable to be an atheist, a Communist, in love with someone named “Trigger,” or even a fan of Kevin James. But it doesn’t seem to be OK to hate cheese.  
I am constantly ridiculed, shunned, and yes, even feared because I loathe locatelli,  gag at gorgonzola, and find Parmesan ... well ... Parma puke-worthy! 

It got so bad that last week I landed in a psychiatrist's office.

"You What?!!" said Dr. Kropotkin. "You hate cheese?!!"

"Yes, doctor.  My entire life has been an Adventure in Cheese Hating."

"So of course you seek treatment for your perversion! I'm not sure that medical science has advanced far enough!"

"Speaking of advancing, doctor, I notice you seem to be advancing closer to the back door."

"Oh, the better to  hear you, my boy!"

"But you're actually farther away from me!"

"I ...umm .... always hear better at a distance! It's sort of like being farsighted." 

"Oh, sure.  I guess grabbing that letter opener also helps you hear?" 

"Do you not like any cheese?!!  Not even Gouda!"

"No, for me Gouda is bada!"

"But a cheese shop!  You must love the smells inside a cheese shop?!"

"The only cheese shop I like is Monty Python's, because it has no cheese."

"This is preposterous!  Not even pizza, man?"

"Pizza? Oh, sure.  It's so appetizing when someone bites into a piece of pizza and gooey cheese strings stretch from their lips back dozens of slimy feet to the pizza slice."

"Haven't you ever eaten any cheese?!"

"Oh, it happens occasionally when I order something that even the wait person doesn't know contains some small amount of cheese, like  certain soups or salads."

"What ... what .... happens then?"

"A spit take like you've never seen before.  I've hit passersby crossing the street blocks away."

"I've heard quite enough! You... you ... "  

"Gee, now you've grabbed scissors too." 

"In your disrespect for cheese, sir, you trample on the traditions that form the heritage of America, those of God, family, and morality!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend your values.  I guess you're a conservative Republican?"

"No, no, I'm an anarchist!  But there are bounds of behavior and decency that are inviolable!"

"Gee,  you're almost out the door now."

"I'm sorry, sir, I can't take a seriously deranged individual like you as a patient!  Help! Help! Somebody help me!!! "

"What patient, doctor?  I just ducked in here to avoid the noxious cheese fumes from the cafe next door."

"Oh.  Okay, in that case I recommend Total Immersion Therapy.  Get the hell out of here, go next store right now, and breathe!"

"Thank you, doctor."

"And don't ever forget.  Gouda is GOOD-A!"

If you liked this post, you might also like Out of This World!!!,  One of these Days ..., and of course, Fromage-a-phobia.

If you hated this post,  go gag on some gorgonzola!


Merilyn Jackson said...

Holy Swiss, Perry, did you know Gouda is pronounced Howdah?

Perry Block said...

I didn't, but I'm sure I hate both of them.

And "Holy Swiss?" That's funny, why didn't I think to use it in the damn piece in the first place?