It's me. Your favorite 95% naked Greek God who looks like the Gerber Baby.
I just stopped by to say hello on Valentine's Day, which used to be my special day til I jumped ship and headed for greener pastures. Or in my case, whiter snowier pastures. And BTW ...
Brother, can you spare a drachma?
Then again I had the unfortunate occurrence of being caught with my head up a few things other than my burrow hole.
Well, I am Cupid, goddamnit!
Hitting the job market, I first applied to work the Jewish holiday of Shavuos but got turned down. They said a chubby Italian kid shooting arrows wasn't appropriate for a Jewish holiday.
They said even my most potent arrows couldn't make Jewish men sexy.
Now I'd rather bench press Governor Christie than go back to working Valentine's Day, but there is a certain cache in being a Greek God that isn't matched by fry man at McDonald's. So, I took a hint from some of the Jewish guys I'd hooked up with Jewish American princesses over the years, went into full begging mode, and called Zeus.
"Hi, Zeus! Gee, I missed you, big guy!"
"Who's this? Y'know, I am on the no call list."
"Zeus, it's me - Cupid! Also known as Eros, the God of Erotic Love, Desire, Affection, and Grabbing Whatever's Available At 2:00 A.M."
"Cupid? I vaguely remember someone named Cupid who ran out on us last St. Valentine's Day! First Valentine's Day that even the Rock didn't get laid! "
"I want to come back, Big Guy. Uh, you offering Obamacare now?"
"Why should I take you back?"
"Because I can do this job like none other. There ... THWACK ... I've just united another two in love!"
"That wasn't another two, that was another one - Governor Christie! Like that guy needs to love himself more?"
"But no one handles gay marriage like I do. Watch me .... THWACK ... I've just sealed the relationship between two very handsome young gay men!"
"Cupid, that was Achilles and Patroclus! You just ruined an ages-old mystery that has sparked fascinating debate and scholarship for centuries!"
"Well, at least you've got closure on it, and ...."
"Enough, Cupid! Besides we've already replaced you."
"Barry Manilow?! He's a mortal! With a bad facelift!"
"He writes the songs that make the whole world sing, Cupid."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now, Zeus?"
"Flutter the pavement, kid. Oh, and Cupid?"
"For interviews, get yourself at least a North Face jacket. You wanna be naked, get yourself a series on HBO!"