Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Coca-Cola Cold Turkey, Part II
This time I mean it. This time I'm not fooling around. This time next time I pause for refreshment my paws are going to be wrapped around something other than the refreshment I have historically paused for. (Whew!)
This time I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey.
I've written before about my love of Coca-Cola and that clean crisp delicious kick to the the throat that only Coke has, and I've written about my prior attempts at canning the Coke, all of which have gone as belly up as my belly has remained full of Coke.
But this year there's something different, a new motivation impelling me to kick the can and its contents as hard and as far down the road as possible. Sometime during the past year the following infographic hit the Internet which purports to show what a can of coke does to your body.
To summarize, when you first drink a Coke, ten (10) teaspoons of sugar hit your system, which is enough to turn virtually anyone into Kathie Lee Gifford. This is 100% of your recommended daily intake of sugar, which daily intake recommendation was established by Patches, one of the Keebler elves. The only reason you don't throw up now is because, disgusting as this all is, it isn't a blind date with a female Steven Tyler.
After 20 minutes, this sugar surfeit turns to fat and many coke drinkers notice their bodies will now make an audible BOINGG! sound should they trip or fall over. Caffeine now suffuses the brain, leading most Coke drinkers to stay up all night to write term papers, usually getting an A.
Next your body ups your dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain in the same way heroin does. Most Coke drinkers now have fabulous sex with gorgeous partners who just happen to materialize out of thin air the way they often do in Coke commercials. The sex is heightened, passionate, and the best of their lives.
That part isn't so bad, I guess.
I could go on to describe further what Coca-Cola does to the body, but frankly I don't understand the rest of the infographic with all its chemicals and formulas and hazmat warnings. My brain is too busy trying to scope out what happened to my quota of fabulous sex with gorgeous partners and why I got a C minus on my term paper.
So how to go Coca-Cola Cold Turkey?
Just drink a lot of water? Water is the beverage equivalent of Wonderbread. Orange juice then? Well, OJ may be fine for breakfast, but if you're drinking it morning, noon, and night your esophagus will soon be fit only for sausage casing.
But I have found the solution. A drink that is smooth, delicious, non-irritating to the stomach, and even healthful. And I have former television talk show host Larry King to thank for it.
Now I've always wanted to be exactly like Larry King except in every way possible other than the succession of hot wives. Not long ago I heard Larry on the radio extol the virtues of drinking red grape juice. Did you know that grape juice is rich in flavonoids and catchin, which are extremely heart healthy substances? And did you know that no one drinking grape juice has ever spontaneously combusted into Kathie Lee Gifford?
So I reacquainted myself with grape juice and I like it just fine. And the grape juice I prefer is Kedem's, made in strict compliance with rabbinical standards which means I got the Big Boy pulling for me too. Frankly grape juice has it all --- except that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat that only Coke has.
The time has come. Tomorrow there will be thirst. Tomorrow there will be temptation. Tomorrow there will be Coke v. Kedem, Caffeine v. Catechin, and yes, Flavonoids v. High Fructose.
I am strong. I am resolute. I am ready!
Wish me luck.
May I have one last kick to the throat, please ....