Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Coca-Cola Cold Turkey, Part II



  This time I mean it. This time I'm not fooling around. This time next time I pause for refreshment my paws are going to be wrapped around something other than the refreshment I have historically paused for.

This time I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey.

I've written before about my love of Coca-Cola and that clean crisp delicious kick to the the throat that only Coke has, and I've written as well about my prior attempts at canning the Coke, all of which have gone as belly up as my belly up has remained full of Coke. 

But this year there's something different, a new motivation impelling me to kick the can --- and the contents therein ---  as hard and as far away as possible. Sometime during the past year the following infographic hit the Internet which purports to show what a can of coke does to your body. 



To summarize, when you first drink a Coke, ten (10) teaspoons of sugar hit your system, which is enough to turn virtually anyone into Kathie Lee Gifford. This is 100% of your recommended daily intake of sugar, which daily intake recommendation was established by Patches, one of the Keebler elves.  The only reason you don't throw up now is because, disgusting as this all is, it isn't a blind date with a female Steven Tyler.

After 20 minutes, this sugar surfeit turns to fat and many coke drinkers notice their bodies will make an audible BOINGG! sound should they trip or fall over. Caffeine now suffuses the brain, leading most Coke drinkers to stay up all night to write term papers, usually getting an A.

Next your body ups your dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain in the same way heroin does.  Most Coke drinkers now have fabulous sex with gorgeous partners who just happen to materialize out of thin air the way they often do in Coke commercial. The sex is heightened, passionate, and the best of their lives.

That part isn't so bad, I guess.

I could go on to describe further what Coca-Cola does to the body, but frankly I don't understand the rest of the infographic with all its chemicals and formulas and hazmat warnings.  You'd have to drink way less Coke than I for your brain to be able to figure it out; mine is still too busy trying to scope out where my proper ration of sex is and why I got a C minus on my paper. 

So how to go Coca-Cola Cold Turkey?

Just drink a lot of water?  Water is the beverage equivalent of Wonderbread. Orange juice then?  Well, OJ may be fine for breakfast, but if you're drinking it morning, noon, and night your esophagus will soon be fit only for sausage casing. 

But I have found the solution.  A drink that is smooth, delicious, non-irritating to the stomach, and even healthful.  And I have former television talk show host Larry King to thank for it.

Now I've always wanted to be exactly like Larry King except in every way possible other than the succession of hot wives. Not long ago I heard Larry on the radio extol the virtues of drinking red grape juice.  Did you know that grape juice is rich in flavonoids and catchin, which are extremely heart healthy substances? And did you know that no one drinking grape juice has ever spontaneously combusted into Kathie Lee Gifford?

So I reacquainted myself with grape juice and I like it just fine.  And the grape juice I prefer is Kedem's, made in strict compliance with rabbinical standards which means I got the Big Boy pulling for me too.  Frankly grape juice has it all --- except that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat that only Coke has.

The time has come. Tomorrow there will be thirst. Tomorrow there will be temptation. Tomorrow there will be Coke v. Kedem, Caffeine v. Catechin,  and yes, Flavonoids v. High Fructose.

I am strong. I am resolute. I am ready!

Wish me luck.

May I have one last kick to the throat, please ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

14 comments:

Extremely Average said...

I've tried to cut back on soda a bunch. I used to drink five or six per day and now it's about two per month.
I do feel better.

RozWarren said...

I'd rather drink grape juice than Coke any day. Glad you're coming over to the dark side.

Perry Block said...

You are a brave man! Henry Wood would (Wood would?) be proud.

Perry Block said...

I do like grape juice! Just hope my GPA doesn't drop now that I'm over here on the dark side without caffeine.

Russell said...

I only drink Coke that's been clinically infused with spiced rum. This does nothing to reduce the sugar content, but does give all my invisible sex partners a golden Caribbean tan. Red grape juice sounds okay, as long as it's been properly fermented first.

Perry Block said...

Isn't that odd? All the Coke I've consumed in my life and the only invisible sex partner I've gotten is a female Steven Tyler. Maybe I will do better with the properly fermented grape juice, just as long as it doesn't turn out to be Manischewitz.

Tracey Delaplain said...

Yes Russell is right. Medically speaking.

Tracey Delaplain said...

Share a coke with diabetes, heart disease, obesity and ED (it could happen).
I tried all of these names at ShareACoke.com. Coke politely thanked me not to suggest any more names. *sigh

Lorna Earl said...

I used to enjoy the stuff, too. Do you know what helped me kick the habit cold turkey and for good? I got pregnant and (for some odd reason) couldn't stand the taste of any cola product. Rather than cravings, I got aversions. Other aversions: baked potatoes and pumpernickel bagels. Go figure. So I suggest you get pregnant. Let me know how that works out for you...

Perry Block said...

Russell is always right, I've frequently found out. Especially when it comes to invisible sex partners.

Perry Block said...

Here's what my doctor actually said to me about the above: (1) I am at below average risk for diabetes (2) no indication of heart disease (3) obesity is clearly not a problem; I've always been skinny (4) ED - sadly not relevant. He said I could drink a Coke or two a day without worry. All that aside, I really do want to quit, or at least minimize, the Coke because of high fructose corn syrup and the chance of being dead, which I'm not in favor of. And my dentist, aside from the fact that I am financing his kids' college education, wants me to curtail it too.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, but it didn't work for me.

Beth said...

Is Diet Coke also bad? I drink one or two most days. I'm happy you know how to spell Kathie Lee Gifford but am disturbed about Russell's tanned invisible sex partners! Good luck.

Perry Block said...

Yes, I think Diet Coke might even be worse, so I'd give some thought to at least switching to regular Coke. Then you can look and feel exactly like me. Hey, I've been spelling Kathie Lee Gifford correctly for as long as I've hated her,and as for Russell's invisible women, he's my hero. My invisible women reject me.