Whither Thou Bloggest is a quote I found myself ruminating upon the other day. It's derived from the Old Testament - the Book of Ruth - and it means literally:
"What am I going to do with
my suck ass blog?"
I've been writing this blog almost six years and it continues to be as popular as the slides of your 1964 family vacation to Freedomland USA. I began musing on Facebook that very day as to possible ways to pump up the blog, improve my readership, and get ya to love me!
Here's a few ideas so far:
1) Add a Frozen sing-a-long to every post.
2) Develop a story arc where I become Professor of Quantum Physics at MIT and do significant research in Vector Analysis. Merriment ensues.
3) More dick jokes.
4) Make the character an insecure Jewish Baby boomer. Oh, wait, that's the shitty premise we're trying to fix.
5) Add special features commentary by director Wes Anderson.
6) Include Bloopers and Out-takes, especially when I flub use of the pluperfect subjunctive. LOL!
7) Don't be so Jewish!
8) Instead of a Baby Boomer, I will now be a barefoot freckle-faced boy growin' up along the Mississippi with his best ol' friend Jim (Note: Check copyright availability.)
9) Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Liza Minnelli!
10) A quick 'n easy dinner recipe in every post.
11) All Flash Fiction will now only be about The Flash.
12) No more fantasizing about hot women. From now on, it's moonlight and Sean Hannity!
11) Adopt warm-hearted "From Our House to Your House" sensibility.
12) Close each post by digging into a large bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. Bon Appetit!
13) Make the character a blond Nordic gentile with self-confidence. You think that's a stretch?
14) Somewhere in this blog, boys and girls, I've hidden an afikomen!
15) I marry a woman with a big brood of children, and we follow their sassy adventures!
16) Bake each new fan a chocolate cake. But I won't have time to ice them.
17) I juggle flaming stuff.
18) More car crashes.
19) Ginger and Mary Ann cat fight over me.
20) Occasional cameos by Mr. Bill Murray!
21) Always leave 'em with the old soft shoe.
22) Sure, everybody loves 17th Century English drama, but if I read one more Beaumont and Fletcher joke....
23) Dick joke translations into the Greek exclusively by James Franco.
24) Develop line of "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" cutlery and and transform blog into 24/7 infomercial featuring Tom Bergeron.
25) Plumb the depths of human experience and illuminate the angst at the base of the soul. That'll reel in the suckers!
26) Add a catchy jingle. "Here's a story about a man named Perry ..."
27) Larry King? You're here? You'll do anything to stay active, won't you?
28) I go undercover at Scientology Headquarters and produce a hard-hitting series of posts which prove conclusively and beyond a shadow of a doubt that they ain't bothering nobody.
29) Add super hot women characters who have just overdosed on female Viagra. Explore endless ways in which they tell Perry "no, we're just not in the mood right now."
30) My secret identity as Batman is at last revealed! True, my crime fighting career is over, but maybe now you'll pay attention to the dick jokes?
So, do you have any other thoughts? All are welcome as I am as desperate for a blog concept as Republican Presidential candidates are for a credible idea.
Oh, and one more thing.
Any of you know Liza Minnelli?
I know you folks have great ideas, but don't all comment at once! It's too much for me to process!
Juggling a flaming chocolate cake while doing a soft shoe to Frozen sound track? Try being Catholic, we have lots of interesting controversies and we feel guilty about more things. Be more insecure, maybe your audience thinks you're becoming too normally Jewish. That's all I've got.
Hire people to read and comment. It's a simple as that, Perry. Do you think I'd come here and comment on your greatness every post if it wasn't for that fat check in my mailbox once every millennium? And by the way, I do a pretty good Liza Minelli
You got plenty, Tracey. Watch this space for the introduction of Perry, the Catholic neurotic who can't decide whether he accepts the Nicene Creed or the Apollo Creed or whether he loves chocolate flaming or frozen. If this works out, I'll hire you as my doctor. Believe me, there's plenty of work.
What?! You're not getting the check? It must be too fat for your mailbox! Okay, I'll just send you a share of the proceeds from my blog. That will fit in a flea's navel along with 6 sesame seeds and the heart of an agent (per Fred Allen). Oh, and please send a video of your Liza Minnelli. I'll use it on the blog.
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