Coca-Cola Cold Turkey, Part II

  This time I mean it. This time I'm not fooling around. This time next time I pause for refreshment my paws are going to be wrapped around something other than the refreshment I have historically paused for. (Whew!)

This time I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey.

I've written before about my love of Coca-Cola and that clean crisp delicious kick to the the throat that only Coke has, and I've written about my prior attempts at canning the Coke, all of which have gone as belly up as my belly has remained full of Coke. 

But this year there's something different, a new motivation impelling me to kick the can and its contents as hard and as far down the road as possible. Sometime during the past year the following infographic hit the Internet which purports to show what a can of coke does to your body. 

To summarize, when you first drink a Coke, ten (10) teaspoons of sugar hit your system, which is enough to turn virtually anyone into Kathie Lee Gifford. This is 100% of your recommended daily intake of sugar, which daily intake recommendation was established by Patches, one of the Keebler elves.  The only reason you don't throw up now is because, disgusting as this all is, it isn't a blind date with a female Steven Tyler.

After 20 minutes, this sugar surfeit turns to fat and many coke drinkers notice their bodies will now make an audible BOINGG! sound should they trip or fall over. Caffeine now suffuses the brain, leading most Coke drinkers to stay up all night to write term papers, usually getting an A.

Next your body ups your dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain in the same way heroin does.  Most Coke drinkers now have fabulous sex with gorgeous partners who just happen to materialize out of thin air the way they often do in Coke commercials. The sex is heightened, passionate, and the best of their lives.

That part isn't so bad, I guess.

I could go on to describe further what Coca-Cola does to the body, but frankly I don't understand the rest of the infographic with all its chemicals and formulas and hazmat warnings.  My brain is too busy trying to scope out what happened to my quota of fabulous sex with gorgeous partners and why I got a C minus on my term paper. 

So how to go Coca-Cola Cold Turkey?

Just drink a lot of water?  Water is the beverage equivalent of Wonderbread. Orange juice then?  Well, OJ may be fine for breakfast, but if you're drinking it morning, noon, and night your esophagus will soon be fit only for sausage casing. 

But I have found the solution.  A drink that is smooth, delicious, non-irritating to the stomach, and even healthful.  And I have former television talk show host Larry King to thank for it.

Now I've always wanted to be exactly like Larry King except in every way possible other than the succession of hot wives. Not long ago I heard Larry on the radio extol the virtues of drinking red grape juice.  Did you know that grape juice is rich in flavonoids and catchin, which are extremely heart healthy substances? And did you know that no one drinking grape juice has ever spontaneously combusted into Kathie Lee Gifford?

So I reacquainted myself with grape juice and I like it just fine.  And the grape juice I prefer is Kedem's, made in strict compliance with rabbinical standards which means I got the Big Boy pulling for me too.  Frankly grape juice has it all --- except that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat that only Coke has.

The time has come. Tomorrow there will be thirst. Tomorrow there will be temptation. Tomorrow there will be Coke v. Kedem, Caffeine v. Catechin,  and yes, Flavonoids v. High Fructose.

I am strong. I am resolute. I am ready!

Wish me luck.

May I have one last kick to the throat, please ....

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The Summer Carving

It was the summer I was 12 that I climbed up the little tree and carved our initials PB & CC within a heart. The carving was crude but the feelings were not.  I was in love and knew I always would be.

Love, however, never quite stays the same.  Other loves came and went. Some were sweet, others quickly soured.  Sometimes there was joy and happiness, other times disappointment and loss. 

I came back to the little tree, climbed up and found the carving PB & CC within a heart.

It had endured, as had the love it bore.  

PB & CC in a heart. 

Perry Block loves Coca-Cola!   

My first. My last.  My Always!

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Okay, so it turns your insides into an enormous plate of spaghetti cooked al dente and throws corrosive battery acid into your mouth with an intensity no tooth can withstand ....  but, hell, no relationship provides the incredible Zip!!! that Coca-Cola does. So my short response to this week's Friday Fictioneers picture prompt is in tribute to the Pause that Refreshes, Coca-Cola.

The other Fictioneers, Coke lovers and detractors alike, have many other views of the prompt, all of  which you can access by clicking here.

So if you indulge, have a Coke and a smile.  Especially if you have any teeth left to smile with.

Visiting Day from the NSA

Got any Pop-Tarts, Perry?

I must admit to conflicting feelings about the NSA Scandal involving the government snooping on the telephone and electronic media records of millions of Americans. On one hand, I value the right to privacy and am concerned about potential infringements of that right.  On the other hand, I appreciate the efforts of anyone trying to keep me from being blown up.

Then there's the matter of  Edward Snowden.  Here's a guy who feels it's necessary to violate the primacy of highly confidential information in the name of democracy.  Isn't that exactly what the National Security Agency feels as well?  So what's the difference between the NSA and Snowden, aside from Snowden's incredibly self-aggrandizing attitude?

That said, I was kind of surprised when I stumbled into my kitchen yesterday morning and  was promptly handed a bagel by an officious looking man in a dark gray business suit. 

"Morning, Mr. Block.  I know you don't like butter or cream cheese, so your bagel's lightly schmeared with strawberry jam, just the way you prefer it."

"Thank you very kindly.  Who the fuck are you?!"

"Agent Leonard Dawes of the National Security Agency.  We've been monitoring your electronic communications for quite some time, Mr. Block."

"So that's why I always hear sneezing whenever I post on Facebook."

"That's Agent Carruthers.  Got to get him to start using a handkerchief."

"But why are you here? Why don't you just monitor my phone calls, like you do with everyone else?"

"We do, but there's only so much you can learn from heavy breathing."

"But I'm not a radical!"

"Oh, no? We have it on good authority that you participated in numerous peace marches in the late 60's and early 70's."

"But that was only to try to meet chicks and score dope!  I was about as political as The Brady Bunch!"

"Funny you should say that since we're also monitoring Greg Brady; all those flowery shirts, he had to be up to something!  Besides we also have it on good authority you voted for McGovern."

"He was running against Nixon!  I would have voted for Cheech and Chong against Nixon! Well, maybe only Chong if I'd have known Cheech was going to co-star in Nash Bridges."

"We've also been monitoring your blog, Mr. Block."

"Thank God, at last somebody reads it!"

"Oh heavens no, we don't read it!  We just check from time to time to see if anybody does."

"Well, how do I go about living with the man in the gray flannel suit in the same room as my major appliances?"

"Just ignore me, act like there's nobody here."

"That's kind of tough with a tennis racket, golf clubs,  and matching three piece set of Louis Vuitton luggage in my living room. Say, would you like some Coco-Puffs, Agent Dawes?"  

"Mr. Block, you shouldn't eat that sugary crap. Saps the strength for radical acts." 

"Not only that, but my dentist wants me to give up Coca-Cola!"

"That is tough, Mr. Block!  With you going through such trauma, think I'll let you slide and clear out."

"Thank you, Agent Dawes."

"Mr. Block, one bit of advice?"

"Yes, Agent Dawes?"

"Don't leave Twitter!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coca-Cola Cold Turkey

Things Go Better with Coca-Cola!

It's true.

Coca-Cola has been my constant companion throughout my life. I love the clean crisp kick to the throat that only Coca-Cola provides.

But at my last dental checkup, the inside of my mouth was termed so deplorable it warranted a full-blown response from FEMA.

"If you want to keep your teeth,” my dentist warned me, “you must give up Coca-Cola!"

"But why, doctor? You don't need teeth to enjoy Coke."

From those early days when Coke came in returnable glass bottles to the stupefying introduction and speedy crash and burn of New Coke to the modern day incarnation of multiple Coke products like as Vanilla Coke, Coke Zero, and Coke with Chocolate Morsels, Coca-Cola and I have been inseparable.

But medical science now tells us that my beloved beverage causes legions of ill effects even beyond tooth decay.  When you first drink a Coke, ten entire teaspoons of sugar blast your system.  That’s enough sweetness to power “Good Morning America” for six months.

Caffeine next floods your brain, leading you to stay up all night writing term papers, reorganizing every closet in your house, or driving to Nova Scotia. Ensuing chemical reactions fry your brain and body in a manner so bad for your health it’s a wonder there aren’t hazmat warnings on the side of the can.

So how to live without that incredibly refreshing pause that refreshes?

I could drink water.  Ice cold water may be okay if you’ve just hiked across the Sahara; otherwise a glass of water has all the allure of sex with a chick from a Norman Rockwell painting.

I could drink juice. Orange juice and grapefruit juice are indeed simpatico with pancakes and eggs and bagels, but after 9:00 AM?  Orange juice and corned beef?  To me, that just isn’t kosher!

I could drink Perrier with a twist of lemon.  I could wear a beret, sit in a corner cafe, and feign sophistication and savoir faire. Nah, my most profound perception about life so far has been how to get more Coca-Cola into it.

But I don’t want to rival father of our country George “First in War, Last in Teeth” Washington when it comes to dental well-being.

So, I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey!  

I will no longer Have a Coke and a Smile,  Open Happiness, or even  Buy the World a Coke and Keep It Company. 

From now on Things will Go Better with water.  Or juice.

 Or even a beret.

Am I serious about this?

Yep.  It's the Real Thing! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet and Carbonated Dreams, Perry!