Once upon a time in a lovely green valley by a lake --- where the price for
buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- there stood a
charming cottage in which Blog,
a young bunny, and Mother and Father Bunny lived.
Blog was generally a
happy little bunny except for one thing --- he was ashamed of his ugly sounding
name.
“Why do I have a
horrible name like Blog?” he asked Mother and Father Bunny.
“It was supposed to be
Bob,” explained Mother Bunny, “but Dad burped when he said the name to the Register
of Bunny Names and unfortunately the clerk wrote down “Blog.”
Now there was a law in the land where Blog and Mother and Father Bunny lived
that forbade bunnies from changing their names.
It was called the
“Jennifer and Jason Act,” passed by a group of bunnies born in the 70’s who
were afraid their really cool names might be yanked away and they’d be saddled
with annoying 90’s names like Max, Zachery, and Carlotta.
Despite sadness over his horrible name, Blog was always happy when Mother Bunny
read to him at bedtime. He especially loved two books: “The Little Engine
that Gave Up and went for a Beer” and “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown.”
Mother Bunny read these two books to him over and over. She would have read
them to him under and under, as well as in between and in between, if only
those two idiotic statements made any sense.
Of the two, Blog especially adored “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown.”
It taught a wonderful
lesson about bitterness, acrimony, and revenge, and had pop-up pictures too! It
told the tale of Twitter,
a beautiful young bunny with a lovely smile and pretty blue eyes, who was cast
as the ingénue in an upcoming warm-hearted children’s book “The Runaway Bunny” by Margaret Wise Brown.
Twitter was brutally
fired by Margaret Wise Brown, who thereupon replaced her with some no-talent male
bunny she was rumored to be sleeping with. The meanest children’s author this
side of Eric Carle, Ms. Brown was known on the set of an earlier book, “Goodnight Moon,”
to make the Bowl of Mush cry.
Twitter was undaunted. She began networking on LinkedIn and made history by becoming
the first person ever to make successful use of LinkedIn’s moronic Endorsements
feature.
Before long, she
attracted the attention of a children’s book author named Perry Block.
Their collaboration
led to “Twitter
Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown,” which quickly went viral after being selected
for Oprah’s Book Club. It vastly outsold “The Runaway Bunny,” the first edition
of which included an ill-advised chapter showing a scantily-clad Margaret Wise
Brown and the no-talent Bunny vacationing in Majorca.
How Blog admired Twitter!
“And what a beautiful
name!” Blog thought. “How could anybody ever say that you could waste time with
Twitter?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a few years, little Blog grew tall and came of age.
One day he announced
to Mother and Father Bunny that he was going out into the world to seek his
fortune.
“I would like to meet
Twitter before I begin,” said Blog. “I googled her
and I know where I may find her.”
“By the way even
‘Google’ would have been a better name for me.”
The next day, Blog bid Mother and Father Bunny farewell and set off on his
journey, making his way out of the lovely green valley by a lake --- where the
price for buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- and
where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a young bunny, and
Mother and Father Bunny lived.
In a few days Blog arrived at the address he had googled for Twitter.
“But what is this?”
exclaimed Blog!
The sign in front of
the address said:
Hoppity’s House of
Hotties!
Blog entered.
Red flocked wallpaper.
A fat pig with a cigar playing an upright piano. Steve Buscemi!
Blog realized he
wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
“Where … where can I find Ms. Twitter?” Blog stammered to a large animate rubber
ball standing just inside the door, who was in fact ‘the Bouncer.’
“She’s in the back, Mac!” said the Bouncer. He was also a poet.
Blog made his way to the back of the building. Through a half open door he saw
a wan, pale, painfully thin young bunny he recognized as Twitter, his hero.
“Ms. Twitter,” Blog called hoarsely, “Ms. Twitter...”
Twitter turned and gave a half-smile. “Yes, do I know you?” she said.
“Ms. Twitter, I’ve been a huge fan of “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown” ever since I was a small bunny.
You are my role model!”
Oh, sure!" sighed Twitter. "I’m a
role model like Paul
Rudd and Seann
William Scott in the movie ‘Role Models,’ also starring Jane Lynch. I’m sorry to disappoint
you. Hope you haven’t traveled far.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“My life was once wonderful, just as in my book. I was hanging with Oprah and
Gayle, signed to do big budget book with Curious George, Rowling’s people were at the doorstep! Then it
happened.”
“What happened?”
“The older man who
wrote the book, Perry Block, turned on me! He stole all the money, saw to it
that I got nothing, and began spreading vicious lies that I … that I was doing
it like a bunny!”
Twitter broke off in
loud sobs!
(Author’s Note: The above allegations are the subject of litigation
and are unproven. And I am NOT an older man!)
"Imagine," sobbed Twitter, "me, doing it like a bunny! I
don't even get poked on Facebook."
“So you had no options,” Blog said quietly.
"I had to eat,”
said Twitter, “but I couldn’t even get a walk-on in a Captain Underpants book!”
Just then, a loud voice bellowed from outside the dressing room
“Twitter doll, time to
give the customers some yum-yum!”
Blog saw the look of terror in Twitter’s still
beautiful blue eyes.
“I’m sorry,”
she mumbled. “I have to go on now …”
“Twitter,” said Blog, “this might seem crazy,
but I have an idea. I’m going out into the
world to seek my fortune. Why don’t you come with me?”
Twitter looked as if she’d been struck by an
anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon! In fact, since this is a children's
story, she was struck by an anvil from a Warner Brothers
cartoon.
“Why … why
would you do that for me?”
“I know you don’t
really know me, but I've known you all my life.”
“I think I trust you, but …”
“Twitter, I would never!” said Blog. “I don’t even have HBO.”
“If you’re sure I won’t be a burden.”
Blog couldn’t believe
his ears!
Yes, they were long,
furry, and stood straight up from the top of his head, but he should have been
used to that by now!
Twitter got ready to
go, and she and Blog were soon outside and on the road. Where they were headed,
neither of them yet knew.
But somehow it didn’t matter.
“You know,” said Twitter, “I don’t even know your name.”
Oh
no! What if Twitter thought his name was stupid?
What if she thought
his name sounded like “Bob” if you burped when you said it?
What if she no longer
wanted to go?
“My name’s Blog,” he muttered nervously.
“Blog,” said Twitter.
Twitter repeated it again. “Blog,” she said slowly and thoughtfully.
“I think that’s a very nice
name.”
“You think that?!” sputtered
Blog, amazed. “Why?”
“Because it’s the name of someone who cares.”
For the first time in
his life, Blog was no longer ashamed of his name.
Actually, he was kind of proud of it!
And in that
very moment, Blog felt like a million bucks --- which would have been
many times over what you’d need to buy a buildable lot in that lovely green
valley, by a lake, where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a
young bunny, had once lived.
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With apologies to Eric
Carle and to the memory of Margaret Wise Brown, both of both I’m sure were and are very nice.
