Introducing: The Cream of Wheat!

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Yes, folks, it's ... 

The CREAM OF WHEAT!

Get Ready to 

Take Your Lumps!

           

           

         Welcome to my brand new highly original laugh-a-second web comic which is in no way whatsoever a blatant and shameful rip-off of a hilarious and far better in every respect web comic known as 

if you've ever even heard of it (hush...hush)

I decided to start me one of these web comics when I read in Time Magazine that Matthew Inman, who writes and draws The Oatmeal,  has THIS many followers

Whereas my Humor Blog 

has THIS many followers

... and you can see where he thinks is the most fit place to read it. 

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This is Matthew Inman.

And this is me. 

Nobody had to send me a message in a bottle to tell me what to do!

Although I did get  a message in a bottle from some annoying guy named Robinson Crusoe, but I'm way too busy starting my own web comic to pay any attention to such nonsense!

So ...starting here, starting now

The CREAM OF WHEAT

will take on 

AND WE WILL EAT ITS LUNCH!

... or breakfast, as the case may be.

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How You Know
 When Your Dog Is 
GAY.



Gets along well with the cat.

  In fact, has sometimes Gone Antiquing with him.

Rhinestone Poop Bag

L-L-L-L-L-L-O-O-O-VES 

JUDY!

Won't chase a ball unless you throw
two of them.



AND

Quite Simply, Ground Zero.




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ARE YOU RELATED TO   
RICHARD III?

Take this handy micro-quiz to determine if your DNA matches that of the warped, twisted hunchback! 

1) Who or what is Bosworth?

 a) the gravelly voiced actor from Charlie's Angels

b) Actress Kate, haven't seen her in much lately

c) The gravelly voiced actor from Happy Days

d) A Field. Not of Dreams. Or of gravel. (Not yet anyway)

2) Finish this quote: "A horse!  A horse! ...

 a)   "Of course!  Of course!"

b) "I love you, Sarah Jessica!"

c) "I love you!" .... Catherine the Great

d) "My kingdom for a horse!  It's a shitty deal, I know."

Answer: You have absolutely no chance whatsoever of being related to Richard III.

Or to anybody royal or important. 

Now go back to your damn cubicle! 

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If People were Encased in

 CHOCOLATE

Ben Franklin

So THAT, Dr. Franklin, is how a short, bald, dumpy guy like you was able to load up on the babes?

George Bush

   Elected two terms. Served 8 years. Had to be the reason! Had to be. 

Bruce Wayne

How do I know you're Batman, Mr. Wayne? How do I know you're Batman?!  Why ... you've exactly the same rich chocolate coating and delicious nougat center!!!

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Please come back and visit us again soon.

The CREAM OF WHEAT

Instant Laughs, Guaranteed!

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[And that's your first issue of the Cream of Wheat, folks!  Whaddya think?

What?!!  You're lawyers for Matthew Inman, and you're serving me?!! 

Oh.  With Oatmeal.  Ha, ha, that is funny!

You win. ]

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If you liked  this post, you might also like Oh, the Lame Places You'll Go, The Next Dark Knight Rising, and Why Aging Sucks.

If you hated this post,  well,  I'm afraid there's not much that medical science can do for you ....

Cream of Wheat Weather, Whether or Not

So many issues ....

Every so many winters, I get a sudden hankering for Cream of Wheat. It's not that I actually like the stuff.  In fact, I find it kind of gooey and lumpy and pasty and gross .... but in a good way. 

Mostly it reminds me of my childhood, my mother standing over the stove  cooking old original Cream of Wheat that took a good half hour to prepare, loading it up with milk and sugar, and then gently foisting it on me just before school.  I always felt well protected from Winter's Chill with Cream of Wheat inside my tummy, even though it did little to prevent me from getting regularly beaten up by half the schoolyard from Grades 1 through 5.

Cream of Wheat television commercials strove to present the same image as well.  As a freckle-faced youngster ate the the porridgely product and then ventured directly out into a raging blizzard, an airborne bowl of nutritious  steaming hot Cream of Wheat hovered directly over his head, guiding him and protecting him on his way to school while the jingle played:

That's Cream of Wheat weather we repeat,

So guard your family with hot Cream of Wheat ... 

And so it was  on a cold day last week that a familiar hankering for that wholesome goodness, nourishment, and marginal taste once again struck.   I bounded out of the house to the nearest SuperFresh and right to the aisle where Cream of Wheat 2012 was regularly being purveyed. 

But which Cream of Wheat to buy?  This is a product that has more speeds than a racing bike.

There's Original Cream of Wheat (takes 30 minutes), Quick Cream of Wheat (bringing it down to five), Instant Cream of Wheat (just one short minute),  Mix and Eat Cream of Wheat (it's there for you whenever you want it, baby!), and new It's Cooking in the Box Cream of Wheat. 

I opted for tradition but with a 21st Century attitude and selected the five minute variety. But as I lifted the box towards me, I saw something that truly surprised me.

They still have that old-fashioned black man on the box!  He's still got a chef's hat on, he's still smiling graciously, and he's still serving me a bowl of Cream of Wheat.   Me, a white guy!!!

This doesn't seem right, I thought.  

Just then my friend Sheila Farbman happened down the aisle. 

"Hi, Perry!  What ya getting?"

"Oh, hi, Sheila.  I was just .... um .... grabbing some Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions!"

"But those aren't Wheaties.  Wheaties are in an orange box."  

"Well,  Sheila, I don't think I ever mentioned this, but I'm a little color blind."

"But the size of that box is way smaller than a Wheaties box."

"I'm size blind too."

"I'm so sorry.  Well, let me help you then.  We'll just put back this Cream of Wheat..."

"Cream of Wheat!?  This is Cream of Wheat?   Thank God you came along!" 

When Sheila left, I grabbed back the Cream of Wheat box off the shelf and headed for the check out line. Sheepishly sliding the box over to the check out guy, I looked  upward and away as if I were considering writing a term paper on the ceiling tiles. 

"About this Cream of Wheat," he said ....

"Cream of Wheat!?"  I blurted out in a voice many octaves above that of the very young Wayne Newton.  "No, no,  no, I meant to buy Wheaties!" 

"What I wanted to say, sir, is if you want the Cream of Wheat, it's two for one today.  You could go back and get another." 

"Uh, no thanks," I sputtered and leaped out of the store like I was running from Geoff Treegoob, one of the toughest of the fifth grade bullies. 

First thing I did back home was some research.  Turns out some people do  think the Cream of Wheat man has outlived his time.  Others believe the image has been transmuted to stand simply for quality.  I guess it's not my call to make.

I will, however,  make the call about the stuff that's in the box.  I cooked it up in five minutes and scarfed it down in seven.  Tasted like Plaster of Paris .... but in a good way. 

And then, all of a sudden there it was!  That  airborne bowl of nutritious  steaming hot Cream of Wheat was hovering directly over me,  guiding me,  protecting me ....

That's Cream of Wheat weather we repeat,

So guard your family with hot Cream of Wheat! 

.... and unceremoniously dumping its contents on my head.

That's hot nourishing,  gooey, lumpy, pasty, and gross Cream of Wheat for you.  One breakfast cereal.  

So many issues!

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One Last Bedtime Story

Last week, my son Brandon turned 16.

It’s an exciting time for him. Driving an automobile is just around the corner that he’ll soon be driving around himself, new friends and experiences beckon on the horizon, and a lifetime of promise and opportunity awaits.

Why the fuck can’t he still be 6?

To rekindle those golden days of  six-year-old yore 'ere they slip away to where I can’t chloroform them and drag them home kicking and screaming, I thought it’d be nice one last time to read Brandon a bed time story.

“Brandon," said I, "I've got an idea.  How about tonight I favor you with a bedtime story?”

“I’m good, Dad.” 

“No, Bran. You see, this is a life experience that shortly we’ll never be able to duplicate. Plus, not to  invoke guilt, I diapered you, took you to Disney World, and bought you an X-Box."  

"Okay. As long as it doesn’t take too long. Got a math test tomorrow.”

“I’ve selected a wonderful book: The Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown.”

“Dad, I believe that’s Goodnight (pause) Moon. The way you read it with the word 'the' and no pause makes it sound like a fraternity prank from Animal House.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me something before we get started?”

"I’m good, Dad.” 

“No, you see, you’re supposed to ask May I have a drink of water, please?"

“I’m not thirsty.”

“No, you’re REQUIRED to ask it! It’s part of the gestalt.” 

“All right, all right! May I have a drink of water, please?”

“We have tap water, Deer Park, and Evian.”

“Dad, read the story.”

“Yeah, sure.  Here goes ... In the great green room, there was a telephone, and a red balloon ... Hey, Bran, I wonder why the characters are bunnies. Do you think Ms. Brown was trying to illustrate the oneness and commonality of all creatures great and small?”

“I think she thought bunnies were cute, Dad.”

“And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush …  Say, Bran, did I ever make you my special lump-free Cream of Wheat?” 

“Yeah, Dad. Tasted like a bowl full of mush.”

“And a quiet old lady whispering ‘hush’ ... Hey! Quiet old lady? I don’t like that reference! It ought to be a pensive but still lithe and attractive post-Boomer woman.”

“Dad, this isn’t a politically correct reading of Huck Finn. I think you ought to read it like it is.”

“Now where was I?  Oh yeah ... Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon... You know, that would be quite a prodigious physical accomplishment for a cow! Do you think Cirque de Soleil could train one to …." 

“I think Cirque de Soleil is doing quite well without a cow , Dad.”

“Goodnight stars ... Why, that sounds like the tag line at the end of the  Hollywood Squares.  Ha, that Charley Weaver!”

"Dad. Math test tomorrow.”

“Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush … Now why would anybody say Goodnight nobody? Unless it's me at the end of an evening after getting my usual response on Twitter!” 

“Dad, please. Could we just move on?”

“And Goodnight noises everywhere ... The End.

“Very nice, Dad. Goodnight.”

“Uh, Bran?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“My knees are kind of a little stiff right now.”

“So?”

“May I have a drink of water, please?”

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