Thursday, June 3, 2010

Twitter and Blog


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Once upon a time in a lovely green valley by a lake --- where the price for buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- there stood a charming cottage in which Blog, a young bunny,  and Mother and Father Bunny lived. 

Blog was generally a happy little bunny except for one thing --- he was ashamed of his ugly sounding name. “Why do I have a horrible name like Blog?” he asked Mother and Father Bunny. “It sounds like the noise you make just before you are about to throw up!”

“That’s exactly what it is,” said Mother Bunny. “The night you were born Father Bunny drank half a fifth of 100% proof Stolichnaya to celebrate, and he puked all over our charming cottage. He made that disgusting noise each time he heaved, we thought it was funny, and hence, your repulsive name.”

"Can you imagine that awful sounding word ever being applied to anything in the real world?” smirked Father Bunny. “Preposterous!”

Although Mother and Father Bunny were sorry now, there was a law in the land where Blog and Mother and Father Bunny lived that forbade bunnies from changing their names. This was called the “Jennifer and Jason Act,” passed in the 1980’s by a group of bunnies born in the 70’s who were afraid their really cool names might be suddenly yanked away from them and they’d be saddled with annoying Jewish Biblical names like Ezekiel and Hephzibah.

Despite sadness over his horrible name, Blog was always happy when Mother Bunny read to him at bedtime. He especially loved three books: The Little Engine that Gave Up and Went for a BeerClifford the Big ‘Red’ Dog Before the House Un-American Activities Committee, and Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown.

Mother Bunny read these three books to him over and over. She would have read them to him under and under, as well as in between and in between, if only those two idiotic statements made any sense.

Of the three, Blog especially adored Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown. It taught a wonderful lesson about bitterness, acrimony, & revenge, and had pop-up pictures too! It told the tale of Twitter, a beautiful young bunny who was slated to appear in an upcoming warm-hearted children’s book The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown. Twitter was a very sweet bunny with blue eyes and the kind of smile that makes your smile look as goofy as that of actor
 Richard Kind.

Just before final dress rehearsal for the book, Twitter was brutally fired by Margaret Wise Brown, who thereupon replaced her with some no-talent bunny she was rumored to be sleeping with! By all accounts, Ms. Brown was the most hated children's book author this side of Marc Brown (no relation) who on the set of an earlier book, Goodnight Moon, had regularly made the bowl of mush cry.

Unbowed, Twitter picked herself up and networked her bunny behind off, becoming the first ever bunny to be a LION on LinkedIn! Before long, she attracted the attention of a children’s book author named Perry Block.Their collaboration led to Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown, which quickly went viral after being picked for Oprah’s Book Club, vastly outselling The Runaway Bunny, the first (now hard to find) edition of which included an ill-advised chapter showing a scantily-clad Margaret Wise Brown and the no-talent Bunny vacationing in Majorca.

Thoroughly broken --- and the no-talent bunny having run off with the aptly named Megan Fox --- Margaret Wise Brown entered a monastery in Tibet, never to be heard from again.

How Blog loved and admired Twitter!  If only he could one day meet her and learn to be like her!  “And what a lovely name,” he thought.

"Twitter!  Bet she never wastes a minute of her time on foolish unproductive things!” 

One day, when he was of age, Blog announced to Mother and Father Bunny: “I am going out into the world to seek my fortune. And the first thing I must do is meet Twitter! I have Googled her and Map Quested her address and I will be off tomorrow.”

“By the way,” Blog added, “Even ‘Google’ would have been a better name for me.”

The next day, Blog bid Mother and Father Bunny farewell and set off on his journey, making his way out of the lovely green valley by a lake --- where the price for buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- and where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a young bunny, and Mother and Father Bunny lived.

Two weeks later, Blog arrived at the address that he had Googled for Twitter. It was only about half a mile from his home, but remember, he had used MapQuest. 

“But what is this?!” exclaimed Blog! “This can’t be right!” 

The sign in front of the address said ‘Hoppity’s House of Hotties!’

Blog entered. To his dismay, he saw red flocked wallpaper, a fat pig with a cigar playing an upright piano, and worst of all … worst of all … the pig was playing something by ABBA!

“Where … where ... can … can ….I find Ms. Twitter?” Blog stammered to a large animate rubber ball standing just inside the door, who was in fact ‘the Bouncer.’

“She’s in the back, Mac!” said the Bouncer. “I’m a large rubber ball and a poet!"

Blog made his way to the back of the building, and there through a half open door he saw a wan, pale, painfully thin young bunny he recognized as Twitter, his heroine.

“Ms. Twitter,” Blog called hoarsely, “Ms. Twitter...”

Twitter turned and gave a half-smile. “Yes, do I know you?” she said pleasantly.

Blog wasn’t sure of himself but he spoke anyway.

“Ms. Twitter, I've loved Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown ever since I was a small bunny. You are my idol, and I've always wanted to meet you!”

Twitter looked shocked. “Oh, sure!" sighed Twitter. "I’m a role model like Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott in the movie ‘Role Models,’ also starring Jane Lynch. I’m sorry to disappoint you. Hope you haven’t traveled far, or God forbid, by MapQuest!”

“Twitter,” Blog said “May I ask what happened?”

“Everything was once wonderful, just as in the book,” Twitter said slowly. “I was hanging with Oprah, set to do a book with Curious George, and then it happened.”

“Yes, Twitter,” said Blog earnestly, looking directly into Twitter’s troubled eyes.

“The older man who wrote the book, Perry Block, turned on me! He stole all the money, saw to it that I got nothing, and began spreading vicious lies that I … that I,” Twitter began to cry, “was doing it like a bunny!” Twitter broke off in loud sobs!

{Author’s Note: The above allegations are the subject of litigation and are unproven. And I am NOT an older man!}

"Imagine," sobbed Twitter, "me, doing it like a bunny!  I don't even get poked on Facebook!"

"There, there,” said Blog, wondering why he was saying “there, there,” when he didn't  even know “where, where” “there, there” was.

“So you had no choice,” Blog said quietly.

"I'm not proud,” said Twitter, “but I had to eat. I couldn’t even get a walk-on in a children’s book by Sarah Ferguson!”

Just then, a loud voice bellowed from outside the dressing room “Twitter doll, time to give the customers some yum-yum!”

Blog saw the look of fear in Twitter’s still beautiful blue eyes.

Twitter,” Blog said, “this may be crazy, and I know you don’t really know me, but I've known you all my life!  I’m going out into the world to seek my fortune --- Please come with me!”

Twitter looked as if she’d been struck by an anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon!  In fact, since this is a children's story, she actually was struck by an anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon.

“You would want me?!!” she gasped.

“Yes, please,” Blog said. “Please --- find your coat and grab your hat, we can make the bus in seconds flat. Then we’ll make our way downstairs and have a …”

“If you’re going to sing me the entire Beatles songbook,” Twitter laughed softly, “what choice do I have?”

Blog couldn’t believe his ears! Yes, they were long, furry, and stood straight up from the top of his head, but he should have been used to them being that way by now!

“Then you’ll come with me?” Blog asked.

“If you really want me,” Twitter answered.

And at that, Twitter flashed that very smile Blog so loved from Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown --- you know, the one that makes your smile look as goofy as that of actor 
Richard Kind.

Blog’s heart raced. In fact, by the finish line his heart had beaten out all his other organs, with his pancreas second and his liver still in the money at third. Blog’s heart paid out at 6-1.

Within minutes --- after Blog collected his winnings ---Twitter was ready to go, and she and Blog were outside and on the road. Where they were headed, neither of them knew. But somehow, it didn’t quite matter.

“You know,” said Twitter, “I don’t even know your name!”

Blog felt suddenly embarrassed. What if Twitter thought his name was stupid? What if she thought his name sounded like the noise you make just before you are about to throw up? What if she no longer wanted to go?

“My name’s Blog,” he muttered nervously.

“Blog,” repeated Twitter. “Blog,” Twitter said his name again, slowly and thoughtfully.

“I think," said Twitter, "that’s the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard!” 

“You think that?!” sputtered Blog, amazed. “Why?”


“Because it’s the name of someone who cares about me,” replied Twitter.

For the first time in his life, Blog was no longer ashamed of his name.

Actually, he was kind of proud of it!

And in that very moment, Blog felt like a million bucks --- which would have been many times over what you’d need to buy a buildable lot in that lovely green valley, by a lake, where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a young bunny, had once lived. 

The End 

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With apologies to the memory of Margaret Wise Brown and Marc Brown, both of whom I’m sure were and are very nice. 

And apologies also to Richard Kind. Inline image 3


And very gracious thanks to Mooshe Nickerson for her terrific original illustrations that accompany this story.


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12 comments:

Melinda said...

Brilliant and funny! It's like the PG version of children's books! :)

Perry Block said...

Thank you very much, Melinda.

I actually love the story too. It's probably my favorite piece among everything I've written because the humor actually does tell a story that's kind of sweet.

At the same time, it comments on social networking and the sometimes bizarre words and concepts employed as part of this new facet of the human experience.

And who among us doesn't feel like Blog some of the time? Or in my case, just about every waking moment!

I really appreciate your kind words. Think there's a market for me in the Netherlands?

Best Regards,

Perry

Melinda said...

The Netherlands is quite liberal (or still is, after the elections) and open to new and different kinds of art forms, literary and otherwise so am pretty sure there is a place for you!

I like your piece, because it is quite a refreshing take on Twitter and Blog which are much written about in different articles, but almost always in similar ways.

Perry Block said...

Thanks again, Melinda. I think I may move to the Netherlands because nobody in the United States writes me nice letters like you do. In fact, for the most part, nobody in the United States writes me anything at all.

I don't even get letters from people telling me I suck! At least that would be recognition of a sort.

As for "Twitter & Blog," I first conceived the piece while contemplating the fact that "blog" is without doubt the ugliest word in the English language. This is not a word we've been stuck with since ancient times; we inflicted it on ourselves. Were Merriam and Webster being held at gunpoint when they approved this trainwreck of a word into the offical cannon of English usage?

I sure hope so. No other explanation makes sense.

Anyway, from there it seemed very natural to me to make "Blog" into a well-meaning, good-natured bunny plagued by the sound of his own name. At this point, it's hard for me to even think of the words "Twitter" and "Blog" as anything other than the names of these two bunnies, kindred souls hopefully on their way to some very happy times ahead.

Just so long as they don't name any bunny children after their dad!

Best Regards,

Perry

Deana Wilmink-Martina said...

Hey Perry, guess what; I like your story/post too and I live in the Netherlands too. Isn't this a coincident?

But I also noticed that you tweeted that you now know that "blog" comes originally from the word web-log.

I think most people didn't have a chance to see your story yet or, didn't have the patience to read such a "long" story.
You know that on the internet people don't read long stories. In this case a long blogpost.

Here I mean, "most people" don't do that.
And then on the internet you seem to have to tell people to leave a comment if you want them to do that.

I just started to follow you on twitter.
So, I'll come back to read your blog.

Best Regards, from the Netherlands,
Deana Wilmink-Martina

Perry Block said...

Thank you very much, Deana!

I'm definitely moving to the Netherlands! Stay with you until I get a place?

I take breakfast about 10:00.

Best Regards,

Perry

Deana Wilmink-Martina said...

You're welcome, Perry. I live in a small village in the North of the Country-side. I live with my husband and our two grown sons, both students, and our dog, pointer.

But there are a lot of houses for sale in our village.
On my blog you can see some info and photo's of the village, even my front door is on one of the photo's (LOL).My blog is not yet as I would want it to be.

If there is one thing I already have, what I wanted to have, that I call success; it is having the time for myself to fill in as I want to.

I'm working on the abundance of money now.(LOL)

Best Regards,
Deana Wilmink-Martina

Perry Block said...

Deana,

Thank you, but I think I'll hold up on any move just yet.

I've got a 15 year old to get through college and buy other stuff for, and the Philadelphia Phillies, slumping a bit right now, rely on me so for moral support.

I'm also tied up with that damn abundance of money you also wrote about. What ever does one do with all this?

Best Regards,

Perry

well read hostess said...

Fantastic!!! LOVE IT! And, of course, validates my belief that the word "blog" is heinous.

Perry Block said...

Well Read,

Well said!

I too have marveled at how this barf bag of a word has been so blithely accepted into the English language. When I refer to anyone as a "blogger," I feel like I'm an English guy insulting them.

If you come up with a better word, let me know because I'm sick of being insulted by English guys!

Marisa Birns said...

I've noticed that in all the comments, you have not addressed the issue of stealing all of poor bunny Twitter's money.

Just wait until Easter! You'll be sorry.

Perry Block said...

Marisa,

I did not steal Twitter's money.

I believe Andrew Breitbart is behind this assasination of my fine, noble, and youthful character.

If what I suspect is true, I'm going to tell my newfound buddies at @rightnetwork. They'll be supporting President Obama when I get through with them.

By the way, I floated Twitter a couple of bucks last Christmas to tide her over. You should do the same. Blog ain't no millionaire, you know.