The Microsoft Phony Phone Call II

A Short Playlet  ...

VOICE ON PHONE (odd indistinguishable accent):

Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company. I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer!

CHARLIE

Terrible problem?

VOICE ON PHONE

Terrible, Terrible, Terrible! You don't want to know!

CHARLIE

What I do know is that you are not Microsoft, and this is the Microsoft Phony Phone Call Scam!

VOICE ON PHONE

That's not true!  And whatever you do, don’t hit “control, alt, delete” if you’re pregnant or nursing a child. 

CHARLIE

I know the drill. You con me into letting you get on my computer, you plant a virus, and then charge me an arm and a leg to fix it.

VOICE (slight pause)

Ahh, you’re right. You’re one smart young man!

CHARLIE (modestly)

Well … thank you.

VOICE

I’ll be hanging up now.  You have a nice day.

CHARLIE

Wait a moment.  I’m curious, if you don’t mind.  Why do you do this? Do you need money that badly?

VOICE

Not, not really. I got a buck or two.

CHARLIE

Then, why rip people off in such a cynical way?

VOICE

Well, my son said I needed a hobby.

CHARLIE

Your son said you … wait a minute.

VOICE

Yes?

CHARLIE

Where do you live?

VOICE

Boca Raton Florida.

CHARLIE

Whereabouts in Boca Raton?

VOICE

416 Lumley Drive, APT 7A.  A lovely garden apartment with a tasteful mezuzah by the front door.

CHARLIE

DAD!

VOICE (now DAD)

CHARLIE?  What a surprise!

CHARLIE

Ye-ah, what a surprise for me too!

DAD

And here we usually only have the opportunity to talk after Sunday nosh.  

CHARLIE

Dad, how come you have a cheesy foreign accent?  

DAD

It’s the first thing they teach you in Phony Phone Call Scam School.

CHARLIE

There's a school for this?

DAD(bragging)

Not only that, I was in the top half of the class!  

CHARLIE   

Dad, why are you doing this?

DAD

You told me I needed a hobby, remember?  Would you rather I be playing bingo?

CHARLIE

I’d rather you not be committing felonies!

DAD

Oh, Charlie, this is a nice little pastime.  You don’t have to leave the apartment, you get to meet all kinds of interesting people, and then you get to rob them.

CHARLIE

But you didn’t bring me up this way! What does Mom think of all this?

DAD

I’ll get her.  Charlotte, guess who I was about to rip off?  Charlie!

MOM

Charlie!  How nice, I’ll be right there! I’ve got a real sucker on the phone!

CHARLIE

Oh, no!  Mom, too?

DAD

She graduated higher in the class than I did.

MOM (getting on the phone)

Charlie, darling, how are you?  What a schlimazel I just had on the line.  I was looking at his hard drive; he had pornography of Judi Dench!

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, what are you both doing?!  You guys didn’t bring me up this way!

DAD

There’s a reason we didn’t.

CHARLIE

What’s that?

DAD

There was no internet then.

CHARLIE

But conducting phony Microsoft phone calls, ripping off innocent people, this just isn’t Kosher!

DAD

You know, Charlotte, the boy’s right. What would Rabbi Schwartzman say?

MOM

Not much. He’s been dead ten years now.

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, stop this Phony Phone Call Scam right now!

DAD

Do you think we should give back the money, son?

CHARLIE

Of course you should!  Now how much have you ripped off from people so far?

DAD

Oh, 80, 90 thousand, give or take.

CHARLIE

Okay, 80 or 90 …. WHAT?!

MOM

80 or 90 thousand, dear.  Probably closer to 90.

DAD

Yes, that’s about right.  We’re rounding

CHARLIE (breathless)

How long have you been doing this?

DAD

Two or three months. 

CHARLIE

Eighty, ninety thousand dollars from two or three months?!!

MOM

Again …  rounding.

CHARLIE

In that case:  Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company.  I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer.

DAD

That’s not a bad indistinguishable accent there, son.

CHARLIE

Thanks, Dad.  Can you guys float me an application for the Phony Phone Call Scam School?

MOM

For sure!

CHARLIE

Maybe I’ll move down to Boca and work the system with you guys!

DAD

But, boychik, what about how you said we didn’t bring you up this way?

CHARLIE

That’s right, Mom and Dad, you didn’t.  But don't worry.

MOM

Why?

CHARLIE

I forgive you!

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