Tuesday, December 12, 2017

He's Got 'Rocky Raccoon Eyes'

 Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota...

I’ve often wondered why I still have long eyelashes at age 67. 

What once served as a somewhat pleasing complement to my blue eyes (they are!) and youthful appearance today provides me with little more than the capability to flick away dust and the occasional errant fly.

Long eyelashes do not turn one into Elizabeth Taylor at 67 years old.

It’s a different story with respect to that which lies underneath my eyes.  There reside circles so dark and deep-set one would think a deranged bartender had attacked my face with two shot glasses.

Unlike my vestigial eyelashes, the dark circles under my eyes do indeed serve a purpose in the current day—making me look like former talk show host Larry King after a couple more weddings.

A few days ago I ran into Farbman in the city.  He took one look at me and began singing:

"Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon"

“Why are you singing ‘Rocky Raccoon,’ Farbman?” I asked. 

“Your dark circles, dude. You’re looking like a raccoon these days!”

“Thanks! Lovely to see you too.”

But Farbman’s boorish song was a clarion call to action.  I marched myself to the nearest department store and straight to the Elliot Arpeggio make-up counter. Behind the counter was a stylish and very attractive young woman---the kind who would have roundly rejected me even when I was young and cute.

“Miss, I’m looking for…”

“Oh, I can tell what you’re looking for, sir.  Y’know, I’m reminded of an old Beatles song…”

“Alright, I’ve heard it already today!”

“My name is Greta, sir, and I can help you find just the right shade of eye cream cover-up for your Rocky Raccoon eyes.”

She managed to get it in after all.

Greta and I went through many different shades of cover-up.   Dark Tan with Yellow Undertones.   Light Flesh with Green Highlights.  George Hamilton Super-tan with Flecks of Melanoma. 
 “This is the right one,” shouted Greta, “we’ve found it!”

“What is it, Greta?”

 “Medium Pink with Essence of Jew!

“Do I really look younger?” I asked.

“You sure do, sir!”

“How much younger?”

“About 30 dollars younger. With tax, $33.80 younger.”

Taking my newly concealed circles out into the sun, I felt a new confidence radiating within me.  Were women actually looking at me?

That hadn’t happened since the Reagan Administration.

I called Farbman to meet me to show off my new found eye-opening return to youth and shortly he arrived.

"Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon"

“Farbman, you’re still singing?  But my dark circles are gone!

“Your dark circles are gone all right, but ...”


"They’re replaced by enough Medium Pink with Essence of Jew circles for an attic full of raccoons!”

So maybe I do have 67 year old Rocky Raccoon eyes, and maybe  there’s only so much that cover-up can do. Despite Greta's best efforts.

But my eyelashes?

God bless 'em!  At least they’re still 32.


Sorry, I would have linked to "Rocky Raccoon" for this piece but all I could find on-line are covers.  And you don't need covers.  Except for your eyes.


Gardenlover said...

Now you've got me singing, "He's got Bette Davis (at age 90) Eyes."

Perry Block said...

I would prefer Bette Davis eyes to Rocky Raccoon eyes. Or even Walter Brennan eyes.