Sunday, May 22, 2016

The Day CNN Almost Reported the News

This is CNN - Certainly Not the News 

"And thank you, panel.  Again this has been our dream team panel of experts on "Texas Tornado Terror!" discussing whether last week's devastating tornadoes in the state of Texas may have been anti-Semitic. We'll have you three back again soon to discuss all of this much, much further."

"Looking forward, Wolf."

"I'll be waiting right here, Wolf."

"What do you think, about 15 minutes, Wolf?"

"Now, before we return to today's other approved story, here's something different we have never reported on before.  We'll go to Indonesia where a revolutionary new agricultural development is more than doubling production of life-saving rice ...."

"Wolf, what the hell are you doing!!?”

"I'm reporting a new story, Bill."

"What are you, crazy?!!  This is CNN, where we only report two stories a day. Three maybe, if the Apocalypse should happen."

"Bill, I know you're the producer here and you're only following the CNN - Certainly Not the News news model, but I thought our viewers might want to learn something new that's a bit out of the mainstream."

"Ridiculous! Our viewers don't have the attention span to focus on more than two stories a day! What do you think this is - NPR?"

"Well, no, I just thought the anti-Semitic tornado story was kind of beat after we had the exclusive one-on-one with Alan Dershowitz and the neo-Nazi meteorologist."

"Trust me, our viewers are hungering for more of the same!  Who's reporting that silly farming story anyway?"

"Sara Sunman, a very perceptive reporter and expert on Asian culture from the New York Times. Look, there she is on the monitor."

"Wolf, are you out of your mind? That's an average looking woman! None of our male viewers is going to want to have sex with her."

"Are looks the only criteria for hiring on-air women here at CNN?"

"Of course not, Wolf.  They have to have big tits too."

"Bill, with all due respect there are many qualified women journalists who are not hot."

"Of course there are.  On the radio!   Which is where you'll be if you keep up this nonsense about actually reporting the news."

"Bill, I believe the American people want and deserve to be fully informed. Americans are clamoring to hear the news --- all of it! --- presented comprehensively, fairly, and objectively.   Plain and simple, the American people deserve better!  

"Umm, Wolf?"

"Yeah, Bill?"

"The American people are about to elect Donald Trump."

"Oh yeah, you're right.  My bad."

"So do your job."

"You got it."

"Folks, we'll get back very shortly to "Texas Tornado Terror!" - Were last week's devastating tornadoes in the state of Texas anti-Semitic? - but first, I sat down with Donald Trump earlier today in a candid one-on-one....

This is CNN - Certainly Not the News 



Dave Clark said...

News with a Point (or two)

I prefer my news with boobs.
If it’s going to be disaster and doom,
please give it a bit of sex appeal,
to take away some of the gloom.

It’s highway wrecks this,
and robberies that,
so lets spice it up a bit
with some tit-for-tat.

With Walter, Dan, or Tom,
the news always had a point,
but add one more,
when it’s done by Tina, Leslie or Melicent.

So when the news is big storms,
or just pure catastrophe,
let’s make sure every story,
has a bouncy delivery.

* I guess we were on the some wavelength when I wrote this poem.
DC @

Perry Block said...

Great poem, Dave! Yes, I am on that wavelength far too much. I enjoy the news and weather babe proliferation, aside from the upsetting truth that I am age ineligible for all of them (let alone cool ineligible), but I wonder about a society where there is no room on-air for an average looking woman who has the same or even more talent. Whatever happened to Nancy Dickerson or even Barbara Walters who did great work without having to be babes? (Oh, and by the way, you should see the Traffic Reporter on the CBS affiliate in Philadelphia. Hard to keep your hands on the wheel when she comes on!)

Russell said...

I was hoping CNN (or the Weather Channel) would send a hot young babe (or two)to cover the bad weather in Arkansas. We've had a rash of twisters breaking out more fiercely than an infestation of poison ivy at the Clinton family annual Roll In The Weeds picnic. The foul weather has focused its wrath on low income families in mobile homes (sometimes known as trailer trash)and appears to delight in the demolition of their humble abodes. Sometimes even uprooting their outdoor restroom facilities and throwing them for hundreds of yards with the residents still inside. A one-toothed spokesman for the trailer park industry was quoted as saying, "I think it's pretty shitty to hit attack a man while his pants are around his ankles."

In other news, correspondent "Plain Jane" Hathaway has been dispatched to a Philadelphia suburb where renown blogger and humorist, Perry Block is reportedly on his way to Walgreens to refill his prescription for hand cream and tissues. Film at 11.

Perry Block said...

I'll have to get back to you. Nancy Kulp is here; I haven't had a woman like this since ... ever. No hand cream and tissues for this boy today!