Sunday, October 12, 2014
If Moses Had a Goofy Sidekick
And Moses spake unto the Lord his God, "who am I to go onto Pharaoh and tell him to let thy people go, Lord? I am not a man of words. Mayest I have a little help here, please?"
And the Lord didst send a whirlwind, and didst send it Federal Express to boot, and from the whirlwind there emergest the rough, crude, and unformed figure of a man. And the man from the whirlwind didst thereupon take full human shape - even with an extra pound or two, a loud tie, and a silly walk - and didst traipse up to Moses in a comical manner and asketh him to borrow five bucks.
"Who is this oddball, Lord," saith Moses, "and why didst thou not even give him cab fare?"
And the Lord saith, "This is Farky Noodleman."
"Yes, and who is ... "
"He is thy goofy sidekick."
"Is he funny?"
"Is he funny? He slayeth more people than I ever did! Now go!"
And Moses and Farky Noodleman came before Pharoah, and Moses spake unto Pharoah: "Thus saith the Lord, the God of Israel, Let My People Go!"
"And Pharaoh saith "Go? Go where?"
And Farky Noodleman spake unto Pharoah,"We're talking about Jews, Pharoah. Obviously to the Catskills or to Miami Beach!"
"Ha, ha, ha," laugheth Pharoah.
"Pharoah," saith Moses,"if thou doth not let my people go, the Lord God will visit many plagues upon the land of Egypt."
"And he will visit," chortleth Farky Noodleman, "without so much as bringing a bottle of Chardonnay or even an Entenman's cake."
"Ho, ho, ho," laugheth Pharoah, and Moses joineth in too "he, he, he, he!" But Pharoah still wouldst not let the people go.
And Moses didst smote the waters and the waters turned to blood all throughout the land of Egypt, and if thou wast in the mood for anything other than a V8, thou wast out of luck. And Moses and Farky Noodleman didst appear again before the Pharoah to beseech him to let the people go.
"Say Pharoah, know what they call a Jewish boy who can't stand the sight of blood?"
"I knoweth not, Farkster."
And Pharaoh didst laugh mightily because the jests of Farky Noodleman had found favor in his eyes. But Pharaoh's heart was hardened.
"Gosh," sayeth Farkey Noodleman, "if the Lord God couldst performst the hardening four feet lower, every man on earth wouldst worship him!"
And both Pharoah and Moses didst guffaw and even poketh each other in the ribs, but Pharoah still didst not let the people go. And then God didst unleash His plagues upon Egypt, each of which Farky Noodleman hadst a bit of well-honed shtick ready for .....
There were wild animals running in the streets.
"And just when I renewed my membership to the Philadelphia Zoo!"
"This is how God rubs it in that I flunked biology?"
"Oh, great! And me with a hot date tonight!"
"What, doesn't anybody have stock in the electric company any more?"
...and more and finally: "Death of the First Born!"
"I dunno about you Egyptians, but if I had a younger brother I'd get him a phony ID as soon as possible!"
"I canst stop laughing!" saith Pharaoh. "You even maketh plagues fun, Farky. Okay, Moses, I will let thy people go."
And so Moses and Farky Noodleman led the Hebrews out of Egypt, but when they camest to the Red Sea, there wast a dilemna. "Look, Moses," saith Farkey Noodleman with much alarm, "Pharaoh's chariots are following us and we are blocked by the sea!"
And Moses didst raise his staff and parteth the Red Sea, just as pretty as you pleaseth. You hadeth to be there.
"Walketh this way," saith Moses to all the Hebrews.
And so, the children of Israel didst walkest this way just like Moses onto freedom, and it cameth to pass that this wast the first time in all the history of the world that this gag wast performeth.
"Whaddya know?" sigheth Farky Noodleman. "When all is said and done, count on Moses to get the biggest laugh of all!"
And coming soon: "If Henry David Thoreau had a Goofy Sidekick," "If Abraham Lincoln had a Goofy Sidekick," and "If You had a Goofy Sidekick."