Friday, April 5, 2013

Atop of Ebert's Hill




As the legend goes, the old gnarled tree atop of Ebert's Hill comes alive before the eyes of one who chants the special incantation at midnight whenever a full moon shines above. I fell into possession of the incantation and ventured forth to see if the legend was true. 

"Dominos Pizzos Deliveros," I intoned on that windswept night six years ago.

The jagged branches of the old gnarled tree began moving and transforming, taking the shape of a beautiful young maiden. The tree's roots lifted out of the ground and became feet, and the woman walked toward me.

"Thank you for my liberation," she said, "I pray your captivity will not be long."  I felt my middle thickening, my arms twisting and freezing into place, and my feet sprouting and digging themselves deeply into the ground.  

I've heard of "popping a woody," folks, but this is ridiculous!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Don't worry:  if it's me falling, you'll hear me screaming all across the internet even if your PC is turned off!

This is my weekly contribution to the Fabulous Friday Fictioneers, and yep, I'm well over the 100 word limit at 146 words this week but I'm a tree, for goodness sake, so what the hell do you want? When you're ready to check out whether the other fictioneers put good wood on the ball, click the link above which also includes the special incantations that make up the ground rules here atop of Ebert's Hill, and yes, I did choose the name to honor the late film critic.

Think that you will never see a poem lovely as a tree?  Take another look at me, and see you next Friday. 

40 comments:

shreyank2012 said...

haha hilarious... Dominos Pizzos Deliveros

Perry Block said...

Yep, and I got fast delivery too, all right! Thanks for writing.

Brudberg said...

That was hilarious and sure with a beautiful maiden you might turn woody, but this is taking it a little bit far.

worksbyclaire said...

I liked this very much. An odd mixture of funny (with the incantation) and something much more sinister.
Claire

janet said...

Love the chant and how he ended up captive of the tree.

janet

Russell said...

If it doesn't go away in four hours get to a doctor, or perhaps a tree surgeon. Great story, Perry.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

Janet says it's a good thing no one came by with a chainsaw. Me? My mind splintered off in a zillion directions. I'm barking your praises.
shalom,
Rochelle

nightlake said...

lol. thought the maiden would bring pizza, but she turned you into a tree. Thanks for the laugh:)

Sandra Crook said...

I loved the incantation. Very funny.

EL Appleby said...

Hilarious - as was your reason for going over the word count! Great stuff :)

wmqcolby said...

Great command of the Latin ... except, you forgot the "pass the Nabiscos" (always said at Rochelle's mom's Mah-Jongg get-togethers).

Also very cautionary about getting what you want only to find out it ain't what you thought (or some crap like that).

Seriously, though, fun story!!! Thanks, Perry!

Perry Block said...

Yes, a six year long woody is a bit much!

Perry Block said...

Dominos Pizzos Deliveros? Turned out to be very sinister, and the pizza wasn't too good either!

Perry Block said...

Thank you. Feel like coming to free me?

Perry Block said...

Erection lasting longer than six years, call the doctor. After you receive the celebratory parade, maybe they'll find a way to do something about it ...

Perry Block said...

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened to be, figuratively and literally. Thanks, Rochelle!

Perry Block said...

Yeah, just a pizza would have been fine. Thanks!

Perry Block said...

I think it came from Macbeth originally. That Shakespeare knew his stuff!

Perry Block said...

I'm a tree, damn it, what do people want from me?!

Perry Block said...

Yes, cautionary is what I'm all about. What do people think is funny about all this?

I'm a tree, damn it!

Tom Poet said...

Thanks for the laugh.

Tom

Perry Block said...

I'm being eaten alive by woodpeckers and you're laughing? Now I know who my friends are!

Linda Palund said...

Great! It made me laugh, but I do feel for your plight. That's the old turnaround - and one of the only ways of getting out of a spell. "Pizzos Deliveros?"

Perry Block said...

Maybe once they finally deliver the damn pizza, I'll be free! Of course, I guess it'll be a bit cold and I have no microwave ...

jwdwrites said...

Very funny Perry. That's it, next time I'm switching to Papa John's, you can't be too careful. :)

Perry Block said...

Now I remember! It's the Papa John's incantation where you don't turn into the tree and the young maiden goes off with you.

There really is a difference in take-out pizza, I guess ...

erinleary said...

Amazing you could even type with your branches!! I hop you are released soon.

Perry Block said...

Well, you now know the incantation. Come release me!

thebumblefiles said...

Oh, I thought you had found Charlotte for a second! Doh!! Woody, indeed, but not the kind you wanted. Sorry, Charlie. Very imaginative take on the prompt. I enjoyed it!

Perry Block said...

Yep, not the kind I wanted and no Charlotte either. Maybe Joe will come release me?

lora mitchell said...

Provocative !!! I had a feeling sooner or later, some male FFer was going to present something kinky... ahhhh...a 6 yr. woody indeed.

bwfiction said...

I wondered what that big knot was. I just knew pizza was bad for you.

Perry Block said...

Yes, but after year 5, I finally did break down and see my doctor. Fortunately, he couldn't do anything about it ...

Perry Block said...

I'm surprised you were able to see the teeny-weeny knot.

lingeringvisions said...

Lol, you ain’t right! Was Ebert’s Hill an ode to the passing of Roger Ebert or a coincidence?

Perry Block said...

An ode. Squeezed in, to be sure, but an ode.

zookyworld said...

That's a hilarious incantation! Dominos isn't the only one that delivers, with the spell forcing a woody prison. Six years is a long time!

Perry Block said...

Yep, I'm sure looking forward to it! Thanks for writing.

greenwalledtower said...

I guess like magic, along with Dominos pizza, always has a price to pay for it. Great story.

Perry Block said...

At least the pizza I could afford!