Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Why Can't He Be Eight, or Alley Oop!



This coming April 25 will mark a major occasion in the life of my son Brandon Block.

On that very day, Brandon will celebrate his 18th birthday, kind of watershed moment in the life of any young person.  No longer a child by any stretch of the imagination,  Brandon will soon be heading out the door to college and on to new adventures, experiences,  and the start of a whole new independent life for himself.

Just one thing.

Why the fuck can't he still be eight??!!!

"Brandon," I said, "take a look at this picture I just found of you and me!"

"Just found, Dad?  It's by the front door.  And there's one in the den, and another one in my room, and it's on your Facebook page too."

"I hadn't noticed.  But look at us here:  you riding on my back, me taking you all kinds of exciting places! How come we don't do that anymore?"

"Well ... one reason might be I'm not a toddler.  And also, in that picture your back is not  minutes away from throwing itself at the mercy of Medicare!"

"That's years away!  C'mon, kid: Let's try it one more time!"

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea.  Isn't there a no suicide clause in your policy with Codgers's Life?"

"That's Mass Life! And it doesn't exclude death while reliving wonderful moments from your kid's childhood!

"I warn you, Dad.  I've gained a few pounds since soccer season."

"C'est du rien! I'm going to lift you and carry you like Jean Valjean carried Marius through the sewers of Paris!"

"Yes, Mr. Jackman, sir!   I'll try it, but I'm doing it under protest." 

"Good deal!  Okay,  I'm bending at the knees.  CHECK!  Next,  put your legs around my shoulders.  CHECK!  Now,  I place my hands on both your shins!  CHECK!

"And next,  take 15 years off both our respective ages.  NO CHECK!" 

"Okay,  Brandon, here goes ...  ALLEY OOP!"

"Wait, Dad!  Alley Oop?! Where did you get that --- an old Popeye cartoon?"

"You know Popeye?" 

"Well, you often mutter about it in your sleep. Seems you have a thing for this Olive Oyl character and ..."

"Enough!  Here comes Try No.  2:  ALLEY OOP!!"

"Alley Oop it is." 

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"What is it, Dad?  I didn't feel any movement, but I did hear a sound like a truck back firing." 

"Bran ... umm ... could you by any chance reach that phone book over on the bureau?"

"Yeah, sure.  Why?"

"Don't ask.  Just please look up Dr. Hans Kropotkin, the chiropractor, and read me ...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you liked this post, you might also like Bedtime Story, Why Can't He Be Seven?, and A Cosmic Case of Role Reversal.

If you hated this post, I hope your kid comes home from college with a tattoo the size of Panama! 


10 comments:

Doreen McGettigan said...

OMGoodness is right! Thank you SO much for depressing me today! I have a granddaughter who will be 18 in September.
Then again, how cool is it to have an 18 year old granddaughter and still be this young, so much to ponder:)
Happy Birthday to Brandon!!

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Doreen. Since I know your age to be 41, I'm amazed you have an 18 year old daughter, and am alerting the authorities. Hopefully everything checks out.

Brandon says thanks. Dr. Kropotkin is calling for strict bed rest and no thoughts of Olive Oyl.

Libby said...

So little Brandon is going to be 18 huh? Are you keeping him in state or out of state for college/university? You know, if he stays home for school you can keep your eye on him during these advanced school years or not. Hope he has a great day on his upcoming birthday.

Perry Block said...

He's going to Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Libby. Unless he honors my wishes and becomes eight again. I'm still rooting for it!

marie bo said...

I love this one...Since my little boy is about to become a Dad himself to two at once...and stories of the bee-bop song and his kiki-dee, kiki-do, and kiki-da blankies are being told...

Perry Block said...

And don't forget his name was once Scoober and he did something called "Kretschmer, Sniggledorf, and Blabble."

Wait a minute! Doesn't he still?!!

K.B. Owen said...

Congrats on your son's upcoming milestone! I feel for ya, Perry...my oldest just turned 20 a short time ago (haven't tried to pick him up since he was 6, though).

Hope the back heals up quickly! ;)

Perry Block said...

The back will heal. The aging angst and the loss of that little sweet voice speaking to me like I actually know stuff --- that will heal not so much.

Brian Murphy said...

Perry, when I ran into you at WaWa you told me you wrote a comedy blog. I just checked it out and the first post I read has me totally depressed!

However, I will give your blog a second chance if I don't go to whatever Scandinavian country practices Euthanasia and ask to be put out of my ancient misery.

BTW I will pass it along to the rest of the clan.

Good to see you again.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Brian. If I have depressed you, then I am a success at last!

Good luck with the ancient misery and if you find an antidote, let me know. Nice to see you as well.