"Even More Ways that I, Donald J. Trump, am Better than Obama"

  

"Even More Ways I'm Better than Obama"

"Kim Jong-un likes me best."

"My hands are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Has Obama ever given Putin a sponge bath?"

"Obama comes from Kenya while I, a true blue American, don't even know where on the map of South America Kenya is!"

"A family of egrets is living in my hair. Obama only has some mild dandruff."

"I'll bet Obama doesn't even look at pictures of porn stars!"

"Not only did I insult John McCain I insulted every POW in history. Obama never even insulted John McCain."

"Obama's only had one wife. I've had three!"

"Rodrigo Duterte likes me best."

"My ears are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Did Obama ever get birdies back to back on Martin Luther King Day?" 

"Obama couldn’t manage a Russian Reset. I’m going to pull off a Russian Regret!"

"Wait til you hear me sing Amazing Grace!"

"Everything about me is smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Obama ever found a University named after him?"

"Have you ever heard Obama say anything as bi-partisan as There were very fine people on both sides?"

"I know how to have WAY more fun in Moscow than Obama does." 

"Sean Hannity likes me best.  But you knew that."

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Podcast Perry II

I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to gain exposure to sell my book Perry Block – Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is by appearing on podcasts.

Recently I was privileged to do three podcasts in one day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Howdy folks, this is Farm, Fields, and Manure, your podcast about the milkin' cow life.  I’m your host, Clem Fairweather. We's have a special guest today Mr. Perry Block, a city feller, who's gonna tell us about a book he's written."

"Thanks, Clem.  Its' a pleasure to be here.  Uhh, what's that smell, Clem?" 

"Horse shit.  It's a common smell around a farm."

"How..uh .. nice."

"You get to like it when you grow up on a farm.  Now here's a present we give to all guests on our show, Peery."

"Thank you. An ear of corn. With bites taken out of it."

"Ha! I didn't notice Ol' Betsy took a few bites.  Heh-heh-heh."

"Ol' Betsy. Your horse?"

"No, me wife! Now Peery you're the first JEW! we ever had on Farm, Fields, and Manure.  Lemme ask you something I've always wondered about."

"Sure."

"Where are your horns?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From there it was over to You're in Focus, a podcast run by photographer Marv Clickson, who took my photograph for the back cover of my book.

"Perry Block is here to talk about his new book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute," said Marv.  "Welcome, Perry!"

"Thank you, Marv."

"You know, folks, I took Perry’s picture for the cover of his book.”

"Actually it was the back cover, Marv.  Anyway, my book is about a Baby Boomer who's struggling to deal with the advancing..."

"Excuse me, Perry, but looking at you again, I'm just amazed at the job I did making you look palatable!"

"Yeah, you did great.  Now my book is kind of a ..."

"You have those sunken eyes, enormous nose, blotches all over your skin. Fixing you up is a tribute to my photographic skills!"

"Umm ... getting back to my book."

"Let me explain the technique I used, folks. I had to use a new kind of filter called "Aging Douche Control"“...

  

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Finally I was scheduled for a podcast the promised a true opportunity to wax eloquent about my book and maybe pot a few sales. It was called Book Blatherings. 

"This is Matthew Stephenson for Book Batherings. A warm hello to book lovers everywhere. And a warm hello to Perry Block, who is our guest today.

"Thank you Matthew, I very much look forward to discussing my book today on your very book-centric show.

"Who are your favorite authors, Perry?"

"I like Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Joyce, and of course Shakespeare."

"Ah Shakespeare! Shakespeare the Bard! Will of Avon!

"What plays do you love?"

"Umm ... I very much like Julius Caesar.  King Lear next.   But aren't we here to talk about my book?”

“Let’s recite some Shakespeare together, Perry, shall we?  How about some King Lear?”

  “But … but … but…”

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

   “Great, Matthew… but ... but ... ”

   “And now Act I, Scene I of Julius Caesar!” 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, folks, maybe not today,  but tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, I’ll give it all another shot.

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial

The Steering Wheel Dial.

If the term hasn’t been coined yet, let’s coin it now.

We’re all familiar with the Pocket Dial when your cell phone bumps against the side of your pocket and embarrassingly dials the number of one of your friends who is annoyed as hell because it’s 3:30 AM!

And who doesn’t like you enough to want to hear from you any time of day!

The Steering Wheel Dial takes embarrassment a step further, occurring when your hands knock against the buttons on your steering wheel linking your Bluetooth phone to the car’s audio. Unlike the relatively innocent Pocket Dial, a Steering Wheel Dial is all your fault! 

“Hello, Perry?"

“Oh, gee Farbman, I didn’t mean to call you.”

“Oh, it was a Pocket Dial? Well, they happen, don’t they?”

“Yes, they do. But this one … um … happened to be a Steering Wheel Dial.”

“Steering Wheel Dial!  That you should be able to avoid.”

“Really?” 

“Of course!  Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel is all.”

“My hands do tend to slide a bit."

“Please be careful! I’m trying to take a nap.”

Fifteen minutes later:

“You again?!!” 

“Yeah, uh, Farbman, I had a sharp right turn around train tracks and …”

“Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel like I said!”

“I tried, but my hands slide!”

“Don’t let them!  Have some self-control!”

“I’ve never been good at that.”

“Look, dude, a Pocket Dial is inadvertent, not your fault. But you should be able to control your hands long enough so you don’t Steering Wheel Dial me every five minutes!”

“Actually it’s more like every 15 minutes.”

“Keep your hands still.  You’re not milking a cow!”

Wanting no more embarrassment from my Steering Wheel Dial  I reviewed Farbman’s counsel over and over in my mind:

"Keep my hands up high. Don’t let them slide.  I'm not milking a cow.”

Fifteen minutes later:

“Goddamnit, Perry! Again with the fucking Steering Wheel Dial!!!

“Farbman, I was just in a terrible accident!”

“Terrible accident, you say?”

“Yeah, they freed me with the jaws of life! I’m being taken away now in an ambulance!”

“You’re in an ambulance now?”

“There’s no telling how badly I’m hurt!”

“But your hands, Perry. Tell me about your hands!”

“They’re all bloody and throbbing and I can’t feel …”

“But they are off the steering wheel, right?”

“Right.”

“Good.  I’ll call you after my nap.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so, folks: 

Keep your hands up high. Don’t let 'em slide.  You're not milking a cow. 

That is, if you want to avoid ...

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial!

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You Can Skip Ad in Five Seconds, But Why Would You?

Here's why, by percentage:

                                                                                       

7.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it makes them feel gutsy even though they still sleep with a night light.

5.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because there is no Premium Option  to skip ad in four seconds.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because to the best of their ability to  determine in five seconds of watching there are not going to be any tits in the ad. 

13% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is narrated by Susan Sarandon who refused to support Clinton. Happy Now, BITCH? 

2.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have to pee. 

2.7% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Applebee's and you do not believe anyone has ever said "Y'know, there's an Applebee's a couple of blocks from my new house; I'm gonna be Eating Good in the Neighborhood!" 

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and the ad isn't very interesting anyway.

2% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Scientology and Scientology just ain't any fun anymore without Leah Remini. 

7.4% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they do not want to become any more sexually transfixed by Mike Rowe than they already are. 

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they also skip to my Lou.

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is almost time for shul.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have been commanded to skip ad in five seconds by Lord Sandor, the Ruler. 

8.5% -  People who skip ad in five seconds because given the luck they have had throughout their entire lives there is just no way there are going to be tits in the ad, even if they did watch it all the way through.

0.7 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because what are you going to do about it, Pilgrim?

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and even though they are Jews just like us, why not check it out? 

24% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they are impatient assholes.

.2 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because a sexual partner is waiting for them. In other words, not you.

Note: Total of percentages above may not equal 100% because of rounding and very poor math skills.

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