Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial

The Steering Wheel Dial.

If the term hasn’t been coined yet, let’s coin it now.
We’re all familiar with the Pocket Dial when your cell phone bumps against the side of your pocket and embarrassingly dials the number of one of your friends who is annoyed as hell because it’s 3:30 AM!
And who doesn’t like you enough to want to hear from you any time of day!
The Steering Wheel Dial takes embarrassment a step further, occurring when your hands knock against the buttons on your steering wheel linking your Bluetooth phone to the car’s audio. Unlike the relatively innocent Pocket Dial, a Steering Wheel Dial is all your fault! 

“Hello, Perry?"
“Oh, gee Farbman, I didn’t mean to call you.”
“Oh, it was a Pocket Dial? Well, they happen, don’t they?”
“Yes, they do. But this one … um … happened to be a Steering Wheel Dial.
“Steering Wheel Dial!  That you should be able to avoid.”
“Of course!  Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel is all.”
“My hands do tend to slide a bit."
“Please be careful! I’m trying to take a nap.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“You again?!!” 
“Yeah, uh, Farbman, I had a sharp right turn around train tracks and …”
“Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel like I said!”
“I tried, but my hands slide!”
“Don’t let them!  Have some self-control!”
“I’ve never been good at that.”
“Look, dude, a Pocket Dial is inadvertent, not your fault. But you should be able to control your hands long enough so you don’t Steering Wheel Dial me every five minutes!”
“Actually it’s more like every 15 minutes.”
“Keep your hands still.  You’re not milking a cow!”

Wanting no more embarrassment from my Steering Wheel Dial  I reviewed Farbman’s counsel over and over in my mind:
"Keep my hands up high. Don’t let them slide.  I'm not milking a cow.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“Goddamnit, Perry! Again with the fucking Steering Wheel Dial!!!
“Farbman, I was just in a terrible accident!”
“Terrible accident, you say?”
“Yeah, they freed me with the jaws of life! I’m being taken away now in an ambulance!”
“You’re in an ambulance now?”
“There’s no telling how badly I’m hurt!”
“But your hands, Perry. Tell me about your hands!”
“They’re all bloody and throbbing and I can’t feel …”
“But they are off the steering wheel, right?”
“Good.  I’ll call you after my nap.”


And so, folks: 

Keep your hands up high. Don’t let 'em slide.  You're not milking a cow. 
That is, if you want to avoid ...

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial!


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