Friday, April 14, 2017

A Visit from the Bearded Financial Planner from those Ameritrade Commercials

SCENE I -  To Run with the Bulls

Bearded Financial Planner: How old do you want to be when you retire?

Professional Woman: I was thinking around 70.

Bearded Financial Planner: Alright! And before that?

Professional Woman: You mean, after that?

Bearded Financial Planner: No, I mean before that. Do you have things you want to do before you retire?

Professional Woman: Yeah, sure.

Bearded Financial Planner: Like what?

Professional Woman: I thought we were supposed to be talking about investing for retirement.

Bearded Financial Planner: We're absolutely doing that! But there's no law that says you can't make the most of today. What do you want to do?

Professional Woman: I'd really like to run with the bulls.

Bearded Financial Planner: Wow! Hope you're fast.

Professional Woman: Not very.

Bearded Financial Planner: That's great!

Professional Woman: Why is that great?

Bearded Financial Planner: Looks like we won't have to talk about investing for retirement after all!


SCENE II -  Hardly a Fortune

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard:  I realize that $100,000 is hardly a fortune.

Earnest Wife:  One hundred and three.

Bearded Financial Planner:  A hundred and three.  Okay, well let me ask you guys, how long did it take you two to save that? 

Earnest Wife: Oh, a long time. 

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: A long time.

Bearded Financial Planner: Then it's a fortune!

Earnest Wife: I'm sure you talk to people all the time who think $100,000 is just pocket change.

Bearded Financial Planner: Right now we're just talking to you.

Earnest Wife: (to Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard)  I told you we had a fortune.

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: Yes, you did.

Bearded Financial Planner:  Actually, no, you don't.

Earnest Wife:  Excuse me?

Bearded Financial Planner: I'm just bullshitting you.  That paltry sum of money actually is just pocket change.

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: Well, can you help us?

Bearded Financial Planner: Are you kidding?  With that circumcised dick of a bank account and at your ages? 

Earnest Wife: But ... but ...where are you going?

Bearded Financial Planner:  I'm outta here!


SCENE III -  You are Busy!

Busy Blonde: I mean, I wish I had time to take care of my portfolio.

Bearded Financial Planner: Well, what are you doing tomorrow?  Ten A.M.?

Busy Blonde: Staff Meeting.

Bearded Financial Planner: Noon?

Busy BlondeEating.

Bearded Financial Planner:  3:45?

Busy Blonde: Compliance Training.

Bearded Financial Planner:  6:30?

Busy Blonde:  Sam's baseball practice.

Bearded Financial Planner: 8:30?

Busy Blonde(gestures)  Tai Chi.

Bearded Financial Planner:  It's relaxing.  Alright, 9:53.

Busy Blonde: I usually makes their lunches then and I have a little vegan. So. 

Bearded Financial PlannerWow!  You are busy! Wouldn't it be great if you had investments that work as hard as you do?

Busy BlondeYe-ah.  

Bearded Financial Planner: Well, I'm afraid you're shit out of luck.

Busy BlondeWhy?

Bearded Financial Planner:  Because ... because ...  Let's be clear here ...

Busy Blonde:  Yes

Bearded Financial Planner: I'm actually a DJ!



Russell said...

I know why you like that guy. You think he resembles you back when you were young and supposedly cute (never confirmed). Why don't you take care of the busy blonde's portfolio while as dashingly handsome younger author fondles--oops, I mean handles--her personal assets.

Perry Block said...

I was way cuter than him! Never thought to try the old financial adviser trick though. Yep, worming my way into her confidence, getting her to trust and like me, and just when I've got her eating out of my hand --- reveal I'm actually a DJ.

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