Biggest Douche on Earth?

Dr. Lewitzky (center front) and his team;

Have they discovered the biggest douche on Earth?

News Item --- If you live long enough, you'll find out something that stops you in your tracks, curls your hair (even if you don't have any), and makes you question your sanity.  Such was the case this past week when a team of researchers from the University of Havertown PA discovered a blogger living just outside Philadelphia who has earned no renown whatsoever, not made millions of dollars,  and barely even gotten any women!

"The discovery of  the dismally unpopular blog Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and its author Perry Block ranks with that of the first cave paintings found in France," said Dr. Lance Lewitsky, head of the research team in presenting his findings last Thursday in Las Vegas before the annual convention of the International Association of Bloggers with Castles in Spain. 

"The only three things thought to be certain in this world were death, taxes, and fame and riches for blog writers," continued Dr. Lewitsky.  "The existence of Perry Block throws that all out the window!" 

Studies have repeatedly shown that bloggers become famous and earn millions of dollars within the first six months of starting a blog. The only exception  prior to the discovery of the woeful Mr. Block is that of  Myrtle Crosshair of Sibly, North Dakota who began a blog in early 2011 dedicated to her love of belly button lint and by year's end had earned only about $600,000 and appeared multiple times only on Leno!   However, that was largely because Letterman and Kimmel hadn't yet gone to the popular "All Blogger" guest format commonplace on most TV talk shows these days. 

"But this Perry Block guy," reiterated Dr. Lewitsky, "has been writing a humor blog for almost four years and has virtually no readers, hasn't made a dime, and has only nailed six or seven women based on the blog, only three of which could be reasonably described as smoking hot!" 

Professor Lewitsky contends that  Mr. Block may be the biggest douche living on the planet. Ironically, fame may yet come to Mr. Block as a TV movie ridiculing him is said to be in the works, and the difficult search is on for an untalented and goofy-looking actor to play the loser.   

For his part,  Mr. Block could  not be reached for  comment and is said to be in seclusion. And who could blame him?

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A New Joke for Humanity

LOL!  LMAO!  ROTFLMAO!

(It's all good.)

As many of you know, I happen to be somewhat of an inventor. And in my sincere hope of bringing merriment and joy to the world, I have invented a totally new form of humor!  

I call it the New Joke for Humanity. (pat. pend.)

Never mind the fact that last year I invented the world's first pair of pants that makes you look Jewish.  Although I was quite proud of the patented "Crouch Control" spandex  feature, not only did my pants fail to catch on with the American public, I'm facing lawsuits from half a dozen men who bought them including one guy who came down with something called "Inverted Penis Syndrome" who's being represented by Alan Dershowitz.

But the New Joke for Humanity will be different. 

We live in an age crying out for humor. "Shit My Dad Says" still has three million followers, Kristin Wiig is given a send-off on Saturday Night Live as if she were Charlie Chaplin, and in some remote pockets of the northernmost reaches of the central United States, Jay Leno is considered sporadically amusing.  

So several weeks ago I retreated to my Comedy Laboratory  (Note to Self:  Invent Comedy Laboratory)  intent on creating  a joke guaranteed to make you laugh your bejesus off!  BTW, unlike your ass, you can survive quite well without a functioning bejesus. 

After weeks of working feverishly without food, drink, or rest --- which will be condensed into an action-packed montage when the movie is made --- I fashioned the first three prototypes of my New Joke for Humanity: 

• "I just can't remember how you describe an article of clothing for someone of average build," the medium sighs.

• "I just can't remember the name of that famous drag queen," rued Paul.

• “Be-be, be-be,-be-be, I just can’t remember the name of that animal with the-the q-q-q-quills,” Porky opined. 

Cute premise, huh?  Thank you very much!

How do I know I have actually invented this revolutionary new joke format and that no person before me has ever scaled the heights of this incredible Mt. Everest of Comedy? 

Frankly I've conducted extensive and painstaking research in dusty libraries, esoteric museums, out-of-the-way antiques shops, and third-rate comedy clubs all throughout the world (or Google has) and found only one instance in history of the existence of a similar joke. That joke was delivered by an obscure young Greek comic named Drolius at open mike night in the Athens Lyceum in 427 BC. 

He did orate as follows:

• "As sure as I am  the greatest philosopher of all time, I forget what I did to Plato that night he and I spent together in a cave," butted in Socrates.

It didn't get a laugh.  Drolius went on to sell aluminum siding for Ionic and Corinthian split levels.  

So when it comes to the New Joke for Humanity, I be da man!

Here, Humanity!   A few exemplars of the world's newest joke to LOL you to sleep:

• "As sure as I am the former star quarterback for the now defunct Baltimore Colts, I can't remember the name of the country I live in," Johnny Unitas states.

• "As sure as I am the popular older actor named Van Dyke,  I just don't know what I should have done to show my new young wife that part of my body I want her to pay most attention to," pointed out Dick.

• "I can't seem to remember how I got that tough stain out of my shirt last week," Ida shouted out.

• "As sure as I am the founder of a University in Baltimore named Hopkins, I just cannot remember what my former wife who is a trial judge does when she picks up her gavel to keep order in the court,"  Johns expounds.

• "I can't seem to remember the name of the capital of American's second largest state," Austin texts us.

• "And as sure as I'm a famous British actor named Michael, I can't remember the name of the second largest city in Washington State," spoke Caine.

• "As sure as I'm the founder of Motown, I can't remember the name of that small round red fruit," rasped Berry Gordy.

• "As sure as I'm the late Chicago author named Turkel, I just cannot remember what happened that night when everyone on the Chicago Bulls had sex," Studs ejaculated. 

Want to play around with the New Joke for Humanity yourself?  Be my guest!   But you better do it now!   Once the patent issues, there will be royalties.  Big time. 

"Because as sure as I'm that young-looking sportscaster named Bob,  never forget what'll happen if any one of us tries to make unauthorized use of Perry's invention," jokes Costas!  

Humanity is one thing, my friends.  Business is another!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just don't remember what happened that time we had sex twice in one night," he came back at her.