Donald Trump, Man of Peace and the Gaza Riviera

    

Yep, Trump is a hero in Israel today.  He was "instrumental" in bringing about a six-week ceasefire, the release of all Israelis being held hostage in Gaza and hundreds of Palestinians being held by Israel, and a proposed Gaza reconstruction process ...

which will result in

“The Riviera of the Middle East!”

"Damn it," said Trump, "what did I do all this for if I didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize? Why did I resolve a conflict that was 3,000 years in the making ever since Jews were first invented to not get the Nobel Peace Prize that I deserve over that woman in the South America country who agrees I richly deserve this prize and she doesn't?

This was the greatest moment in the history of the world along with the overrated inventions of fire and the wheel and it was mine, all mine!

But I am happy that peace seems at hand in the Middle East such that I may now reconstruct Gaza into a place of luxury resorts, marinas, and my long-dreamed of "Riviera in Gaza Paradise!” 

It’ll be Blgly!  It will have the best beaches in the world with unbelievable sand.  BTW, the sand is already there, we don't have to truck it in at all!

 And  there’ll be Trump Tower Gaza. 

And my close personal friend and partner in "peace" [snicker] Benjamin Netanyahu need not worry if the Israelis treat him so unfairly and  kick him out of office because before long he and I will be relaxing poolside at the Trump Tower Gaza being waited on by Palestinians like Chuck Schumer during my third term in office as President of the United States.

People are going to say "sir, you have done an unbelievable job in creating this vacation paradise like no one has ever seen before! And we love the Gaza Gift Shop!"  

Yes, I Donald J. Trump am so glad I was single-handedly able to bring peace to the Middle East after 3,000 years of conflict  over ... over ... oh, what the hell was it over anyway? and ....

Welcome, my Billionaire Friends, to the Gaza Riviera!

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[Great that there is a cease fire, the hostages are back and Palestinian children are safe, but Trump could have done this 7 months ago if he understood the issues at all or cared about the people involved.  I'm sure he'll go back to destroying our democracy tomorrow.

The New Logo For The United Quisling Party of America

 

                         

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

I've developed this new name and logo for the Republican Party.  The gentleman in the logo is Vidkun Quisling, one of the most famous traitors of all time.

Everyone in the Republican Party from Mike Johnson to John Thune to Lindsay Graham to Marjorie Taylor should now be called: 

                                             

United Quislings

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I only wish it could be implemented for real.

Trump Just Poking A Little Bit of Fun

 

According to Vice President JD Vance President Trump was just "poking a little bit of fun" when he posted the above deep fakes of Minority House Leader Hakeem Jeffries and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer that were not only profoundly racist but also idiotic and unbelievably puerile for the supposed leader of the Free World.

  But that's not all:

News Item:  Trump has ordered actor and activist Mark Ruffalo arrested and deported  and has mandated that Jon Voight be cast in any roles originally slated for Ruffalo.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune: Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

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News Item: Trump has sent American Troops to Canada, Greenland, Barbados, and Vatican City to conquer them and create the 51st, 52nd, 53rd and 54th states of the United States "with more to come."

Speaker Mike Johnson:  Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

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News Item:  Trump has unleashed multiple hydrogen bombs all throughout the planet and most of the Earth is in ruins.

Vice President JD Vance:  Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

We should all be able to poke as much fun in our lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just poking a little bit of fun.

Pete Hegseth, Late Night TV Huckster

 

 I'm Secretary of Hot War Pete Hegseth!  In  line with my compelling speech on Warrior Ethos a few days ago, I'm coming to you on ABC, CBS and any other radical left crazy TV broadcast stations we can make money on with an amazing offer!

Most warriors over 40 look in the mirror and see this:

When they could be seeing this:

 Yes, today's warriors need to be trim, fit, and male. And there will be no more beards, long hair, or superficial individual expression. But worst of all is a warrior with undereye bags!

Nothing indicates lack of readiness to hunt, attack, and kill our enemies than looking like you've been up all night drinking, which, umm, I never have been!

But now there's Particle Face Cream which will reduce those undereye bags to fighting size to make you look great as you rip the lungs out of the Enemy Within in Portland Oregon!

And fellas: it will make those few women who remain in our armed services after we kick most of them out look younger and hotter! Ah-Whooo!

Particle Face Cream has six clinically proven ingredients.  Do I know what they are? Of course not, who cares?

So, generals and admirals and even lowly warriors, through this special TV offer on this radical left crazy woke television station, Particle Face Cream is now available for the low, low price of only $99.99 per tube but hey, I'm only getting half of that! 

Of course Trump is getting the other half, naturally.

Get Yourself Particle Face Cream today!

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[BTW, Garish tattoos are fine and dandy!]

Yep, It was I, Mickey Mouse, Who Made the Decision to Can Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

I, Mickey Mouse, am the one who made the decision to can Jimmy Kimmel.

 After all, I am the face of all the Disney Enterprises.  

I was only doing what Walt Disney would have wanted me to do. Let's face it: Walt was not the most liberal of gentleman.  He would say to me "Mickey, I want to change the lyrics to "When You Wish Upon a Star"  from:

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are   

 to

When you wish upon a star 

Makes a big difference who you are!"

Many people have wondered if Walt was antisemitic. When Michael Eisner  became Chairman of Disney, Walt got himself cryogenically flash frozen and I doubt he'll ever come out again.

That was Walt.  But what could I do, he drew me and he could erase me!

So we tried to play ball with Trump.

We returned Splash Mountain to its original racially insensitive Uncle Remus Song of the South origins. 

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah, my ass!

We installed a new attraction Howard Ludnik's Wild Ride. Seemed natural because Howard Ludnik has a face like a Muppets Character.

I even made Donald Duck wear pants for the first time ever to prevent Donald from looking 'too woke.'

And we shitcanned Jimmy Kimmel.

It wasn't an easy decision.  Guillermo is like a second father to me.

But at what a price!

We had five visitors to Disney World in Florida last week, and they were The Five from Fox News.

There are so few people in Disney World anymore I'm afraid Trump will mistake Pirates of the Caribbean for a boat from Venezuela and bomb it.

I am receiving endless volumes of angry mail from all over the country, much of which is decidedly anti-Mouse.  Frankly  I haven't seen so much mouse hatred since the townsfolk in the Piped Piper of Hamelin.

Minnie has left me.  I think she's dating Stephen Miller. 

He certainly looks like a rat.

Yep, of course I'm regretting the decision! I've just got to relax.

I wonder if Colbert is on tonight.

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The Difference Between "Use By" and "Better If Used By" - A Primer

 

The older I get the more I'm concerned about things like the labelling on the food we eat. I've made a bit of the study of the subject and this is what I have concluded.

There is a significant difference between food labeled "Use by March 1, 2025 " and food labeled "Better If Used by March1, 2025." The "Use By" admonition is hard and fast.  You shouldn't dare eat the product, let's say it's pudding, once you have transgressed the proffered date. What will happen? 

   "OMG. I missed the "Use By March1, 2025"  date! It's March 2!  I'm poisoned!           Oh no, I'm glowing green!  I'm probably  radioactive! 

Then there is the "Better If Used by March 1, 2025" ....

       "Oh, it's March 2, I missed the March 1 date. You know, this pudding is good.             But yesterday it was better."

There's no hard and fast drop dead date. You could eat the pudding next year.  It would still be pretty good, it just wouldn't be "better."   

All you'd have to do is keep in mind to eat it before the Apocalypse.

Then there are products labelled "Enjoy by March 1, 2025."  But what if I eat the pudding before the provided date and I don't enjoy it? Then the label is a lie!  They promised enjoyment and didn't deliver.

So avoid this label.

And so the morale of the story is always buy food labeled "Better If Used By"  because you can pretty much eat it forever.  I hope this clarifies things for you.

I wish it did for me.

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TV Talk with Donald J. Trump

 

TV Talk

by Television Critic, Donald J. Trump

A few thoughts on the new television season.

 This fall brings the return of Only Murders in the Building and again the pairing of Steve Martin and Martin Short continues to be nothing short of inspired.  These two pros know how to garner laughs out of material which sometimes falls short of stellar but which is always at least solidly serviceable.. 

The premise may be a wee bit shopworn but with Selena Gomez along to keep it from being too Boomer-centric, Only Murders is consistently amiable and enjoyable.

I wish I could say the same about another Boomer- oriented offering, The Thursday Murder Club.  This movie wastes Hellen Mirren, Ben Kingsley, and Pierce Brosnan in a sea of agist tropes and an insipid murder mystery which makes it a major disappointment.

The Studio on Apple, however, continues to demonstrate why it is a multiple Emmy winner.  Seth Rogan's comedic directing and timing is impeccable - as is that of the rest of the cast - making this a sublime send up of Hollywood. 

On the other hand, Jimmy Kimmel is a no talent dipshit with no ratings and here's what I have to say about his long overdue suspension.

And Seth Myers and Jimmy Fallon are both no talent losers and those two scumbags are next!

 Meanwhile I'm happy to report that construction is proceeding apace on the new White House ballroom which will consist of 80,000 square feet of ornately designed  space and include a 105 inch OLED television screen which I will use to screen the latest in television comedy, dramedy, and documentaries so that I may write about them for all of you, my treasured readers.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

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A Frank and Candid Conversation with Bruno on The One Day in the Year in Which Dogs Can Speak

Let's exercise our suspension of disbelief and now, once a year, dogs can talk.

And this is that once a year.

Bruno ... Bruno, is this the day?

                   You betcha.  All day long.

Funny, I thought you'd have a deeper voice.

                    You were expecting maybe James Earl Jones? 

 

No, it's fine. I've so many questions to ask you.

                   Okay, Shoot!  (Which is something I would never say to Kristi Noem!) 

Why is it that you and most dogs seem to like people more than you like other dogs?

                   Look: you feed me, you pat me, you keep me warm.                                                      What the hell has Harper down the street ever done for me?

Why do you like chasing a ball?

                  Because it hearkens back to our hunting instinct. And it's good exercise.                    You know you could get your ass out of a chair once in a while too!

Who's going to throw a ball to me?

                 OMG!  With that attitude no wonder you have the "I've Fallen and I Can't                    Get Up Company" on speed dial!

Why do you sniff the butts of other dogs?

                  It's our way of getting to know each other. You human beings meet for                      coffee to see if you're compatible. We sniff butt. 

BTW, some of us hope that meeting for coffee will lead to butt sniffing too.

                 I wasn't going to say that but yep, that's one thing we've got over you                         guys. We skip the coffee and go right to the butt sniffing.

What do you learn about a fellow dog by sniffing butt?

                So much! breed, gender, age, preferences: chasing a                                                   ball vs. chasing a stick, smelling pee vs. smelling poop, Ginger vs.                             Mary Ann, pronouns ...

 Ginger or MaryAnn?! Dogs care about that?

            Everybody cares about Ginger or MaryAnn.

Why do you pee in certain spots.  Are you marking off territory?

         

           Why do you pee in certain spots? Are you marking off territory in your toilet? 

 What kind of food do you prefer - kibble, canned dog foods, or the Fresh Pet, Farmer's Dog variety.

      

          Quite frankly, they're all about the same.

Really? You don't prefer anything?

        Yeah, the food you guys eat.  Whenever we get table scraps, all of us think the          same thing "You have this kind of food and you feed us that swill?'

Are you a Democrat?

        Of course. I may be a dog, but I'm not crazy. 

Do you mind being tethered to me while we're walking?

        Of course I do. Does anybody really think I'm gonna run off after a squirrel?             You're more likely to run off after a 55-year-old woman!

Tell me this: Do you ever feel bad that you didn't get to be a person?

         Yeah, sometimes. I might have been a doctor. Or a lawyer.

I bet you'd have been a good one.

          Yeah, especially compared to you!

Touché, Bruno! Okay, last one: are you Jewish?

          Yes, of course. That's how you guys raised me.  I dig the traditions and the                 values.

What's your favorite Jewish holiday

            Any one where's there's brisket and I get scraps!

I might have known.  Is there anything you want to ask me?

           Yep, one thing.

Shoot!  (Ooops!  Sorry.)  And it is:

          What the hell did you let them do to my balls?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.

I still hate posting pictures of myself, but I couldn't let Bruno down.

"The War for the Tush Push" - A Film by Ken Burns

        

Historical Personages: President Jeffrey Lurie,

     Major General Nick Sirianni 

     General Jalen Hurts 

     General Saquon Barcley 

     Retired General Jason Kelce 

     Jimmy Fallon, talk show host

     Corporal Highsmith (a fictitious character)  

 

                                 PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

In the waning months of 2024 a great controversy arose in America. Our forces from Pennsylvania - the Eagles, of which I am honored to be President - believed in liberation. The forces from Missouri - the Chiefs - sought the opposite.

 

  GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

                 It was known as The War for the Tush Push. 

 

Ashokan Farewell plays

                              GENERAL JALEN HURTS

We the Eagles sought to free the Tush Push for all time. The Chiefs sought to enslave it.

 

        Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

I am Major General Nick Sirianni. I was privileged in the War for the Tush Push to serve under President Jeffrey Lurie alongside two great generals, General Jalen Hurts and General Saquon Barkley.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

It was a war that separated state from state, city from city, even brother from brother.

 

         RETIRED GENERAL JASON KELCE

Yep, separated me from my brother, Travis. The separation made somewhat less harsh by the 100 million dollars we were paid for our podcast.

 

    Major GeNERAL NICK SIRIANNI

In early 2025 the forces massed on each side. The men in our camp realized what horrors the next morning might bring...

   CoRPORAL HIGHSMITH

Oh, Sarah, dearest! I wish you could be with me tonight. But alas, you cannot be ... because I forgot to pay for your plane ticket.

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

On a crisp afternoon in February the conflict came to a head.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Forward, men! The War for the Tush Push is joined!

 

General saquon barkley

Remember, should we win, it's on to The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!

 

PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

As the afternoon wore on, the battle swung back and forth. My generals were brilliant in the fray, my Aide-de-Camp Bradley Cooper cheering them on, constantly at my side.

 

           GENERAL JALEN HURTS

All around me bodies were hurtling into space, smashing against one another, men falling to the ground, crying out: Hike! Hike! Hike! Then I saw one of the most frightening things I've ever seen ...

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

It was Barkley! He'd flunked hard to the ground. It looked like ... he wasn't going to get up!

 

 PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

Get up, Saquon, for the love of God, please get up ...

  

 

   GENERAL SAQUON BARKLEY

I too thought I was down for the count. But I couldn't let the Tush Push down. We needed one more charge, so I rallied!

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

One more charge to victory. All our men together, pushing tushing hard, once more, into the breach!

 

Major geNERAL NICK SIRIANNI

We broke through their lines! The Tush Push had been liberated.

 

   PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

Victory at last! For the Eagles and the Tush Push! Bradley Cooper and I hugged each other for joy!

 

  RETIRED GENERAL JASON KELCE

And I hated to say it but take that, Travis! Of course later he became engaged to Taylor Swift, not too shabby, but my wife Kylie's podcast ain't too shabby either!

 

   CORPORAL HIGHSMITH

Oh, Sarah, we have been victorious! I am well and will see you soon! In a few days after I sober up from being shit-faced from the celebration.

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

And then it happened ...

 

JIMMY FALLON

And with us tonight are the two heroes who turned the tide of battle in The War for the Tush Push, Welcome to the Tonight Show: Jalen Hurts and Saquon Barkley!

Thank you, Jimmy. 

 

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Thank you, Jimmy.

 

GENERAL SAQUoN BARkleY

Great to be here.

 

JIMMY FALLON

You know I’ve been wondering something about you guys since your stirring victory.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Yes?

 

JIMMY FALLON

You two ever think about playing football?

 Ashokan Farewell plays

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

  

I Am A Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap And I'm Sorry But I Simply Don't Belong on Perry's Head

Hey, Perry, thanks for buying me.

I am a Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap.  I was made to be that way. 

You and I are gonna have a a lot of fun together, you riding me backwards on your head, me proudly aloft, both of us playing softball, hanging with buds, and of course checking out the ladies.

Yep, it's gonna be a good life!

Wait a minute!  There's something wrong here.  My spidey sense is tingling!

Perry, you watch "Only Murders in the Building.""

You find Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench oddly attractive.

Lately you've been considering a reverse mortgage and you don't even need one but you're a sucker for Tom Selleck.

This looks bad, very bad.  Oh no!

You drink two Ensures every day!

OMG, Perry Block, you're 75 years old!!!

How were you allowed to buy me?  What kind of people are they hiring at Rally Sports these days?  Baseball cap sadists?  

Didn't anyone tell you there's an age cutoff  for wearing Backwards Phillies Caps? 

By most authorities that cutoff is 35 years old, but some other authorities rate it even younger.  Keynesian economist Paul Krugman, who is also an expert on Baseball Capology, has written extensively on the subject and has designated 27 as a more accurate cutoff.  

And he has a Nobel Prize. 

Didn't they tell you that wearing a backwards baseball cap while 75 is against the law in most jurisdictions? True, it's only a misdemeanor in Philadelphia but should Phillies Karen spot us  you'll face charges while I'll spend the rest of my life on top of that goofy short gray haircut trolling for baseballs and  grabbing them out of the hands of decent folk from coast to coast!

Oh, Perry, please take me to Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap Rescue and rehome so that I may be worn backwards by a freckled faced kid named Skippy who spends his lazy summer afternoons at the old fishin' hole.

What am I saying! I don't want to live in a Norman Rockwell painting!

Okay, Perry, you seem like a very nice person.  Actually I wouldn't go that far but at least you're not a shit.  I guess I could get used to you wearing me forward in that old guy style which makes you look like you could be Nick Castellanos' gardener.

I guess things could be worse.

I  could be a Backwards Mets Baseball Cap.

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"I just can't abide that goofy short gray haircut!"