Controlling the Media Just Isn't That Much Fun Anymore

 

Yep, keeping these guys

 in line was no picnic

One of the most common misconceptions about the Jewish people is that we control the banks and the media.

Totally ridiculous, of course.

I’ve only been assigned the media. I don’t know anything about banking, except that I could never get my checkbook to balance.

Years ago controlling the media was easy. You just:

• Pick the guest stars for the next two or three episodes of The Love Boat (making sure Ted McGinley is always aboard).

• Record the various openings for 60 Minutes over the years:

  “I’m Harry Reasoner, I’m Morley Safer, I’m Mike Wallace. I’m Lesley Stahl, I'm Ed Bradley … and so on and so forth ad nauseam ... 

• And keep Ed McMahon sober.

Those were the days. Only three networks. Most of the programming was so insipid I often set the media on cruise control and watched reruns of The Twilight Zone.

But now? Multiple cable channels, endless streaming, Tubi, Pluto, On Demand — it’s like being an air traffic controller.

I’ve got to manage Fox News and MS NOW and keep them from getting into fistfights. I like Emma Stone, sure, but I’m seeing more of her naked body than I ever dreamed of. And “You say HBO Max, I say Max. You say HBO Max, I say Max. HBO Max, Max … HBO Max, Max …”

Let’s just call the whole goddamn thing off!

No doubt about it, this job is getting tougher and tougher for a Jewish Baby Boomer born in the 1950s, when the height of television comedy was Milton Berle in a dress. Easy to manage that:

“Hey, Uncle Miltie, you look beautiful but can you please not make it look like you do this on weekends too?”

But these days? I don’t even understand some of the stuff I’m supposed to control.

I really got into it with Tim Robinson last summer.

“Look, Tim,” I shouted, “call your cringe comedy The Chair  and it's sure to tank!”

He didn’t listen. Oy!

I’m thinking of cutting back and letting a younger Jew handle the day-to-day cable and streaming stuff.  Maybe I’ll just control the vintage programming on MeTV.

Can’t wait to hang with Rod Serling again.

Who knows — maybe I’ll find a spot for Ted McGinley too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you may also like I watched Hamilton on Hulu and It Was Almost Better Than Seeing It Live.  

If you hated this post, I hope your remote control gets stuck on Fox News and you need me to switch it off!

Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201 - Advanced Class in the Havertown Conservatory of Music

 

Scene: First day of classes at the Havertown Conservatory of Music.

Dean Kropotkin: I welcome all new and returning students here at the Havertown Conservatory of Music. I'm Dean Graham Kropotkin.

Students: Hello, Dean Kropotkin!

Dean Kropotkin: This year we've added several new classes: Guitar, Harp, String Quartets, and Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201.

Students applaud.

Dean Kropotkin: And we are privileged to welcome Visiting Professor Vladimir Putin, the world's leading Trump Fiddler. He has played Trump like a fiddle all around the globe — including Helsinki, Finland and most recently Anchorage, Alaska.

Professor Putin: Thank you very much, Dean Kropotkin! Here, let me pluck out a basic riff for you all:

Putin plays.

Dean Kropotkin: Beautiful! Beautiful! What does that express?

Professor Putin: “Sir, you are a genius… a stable genius.” Works every time.

Dean Kropotkin: What did you play in Helsinki that caused Trump to essentially commit treason in plain view?

Professor Putin: A little number called “Powerful in My Denial.” Like putty in my hands, he was.

Dean Kropotkin: Professor Putin, this is our top student, Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud - MBS.

MBS: It's an honor, sir. I have been studying your technique for years. May I show you?

MBS plays.

Professor Putin: Well played! That's the “Things Happen Rag.”

Dean Kropotkin: And this is a promising new student, Zohran Mamdani. 

Zohran Mamdani: I can’t wait to play my new piece for you, sir. It’s called “Just a Spoonful of Flattery Makes the Fascist Come Around.”

Professor Putin: Excellent. I will enjoy working with both of you — and the whole department. 

Dean Kropotkin: Speaking of the whole department, here comes our new chairperson right now!

The Chair: Hello, everybody.   I'm the new chair of the Playing Trump Like A Fiddle Department. 

Professor Putin: By God! ... by God  ... you're ...you're.....  

The Chair:  Yes, I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Professor Putin drops his fiddle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

If you liked this piece, you may also like "Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz."

If you hated this piece, I hope Professor Putin makes you clap out the erasers after every single Playing Trump Like a Fiddle class!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Medicare Annual Enrollment

Yes, this is a wonderful time of year for me ... Thanksgiving ... Christmas ... Hanukkah ...          Medicare  Annual Enrollment 

We Wish You A Med Advantage

It's Beginning To Cost A Lot This Christmas

It's The Most Expensive Time Of The Year

    

     

        Happy Renewals, Everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like "The War on Christmas - A Film by Ken Burns. 

 If you hated this post, I hope the Nutcracker pays you a visit and not the one generally associated with the holidays.

The 90,000 Square Foot Grand Back Pocket of Donald Trump

 

In an apparent major reversal of opinion, Trump said on social media last Sunday that House Republicans should vote to release the Epstein Files “because we have nothing to hide.”

Maybe I'm naive, but I believe the guy.

But then someone pointed out that Trump can afford to say this because he knows he has all the Republican Senators in his “back pocket.”

How is that possible?

Before his presidency, Trump’s back pocket was barely 5 by 5 inches. It was so thin that when he opened his wallet, not just the proverbial moths flew out, but moths thinner than Tilda Swinton.

But in the past several weeks, Trump’s back pocket has paid host to bulldozers, excavators, wrecking balls, backhoes, cranes, earth movers, cement trucks, front‑end loaders, asphalt pavers — and a construction manager named Herbert.

Suddenly, Trump’s 5‑by‑5 back pocket has been dramatically transformed into a 90,000‑square‑foot Grand Back Pocket!

After the ribbon-cutting early Sunday morning, Republican Senators have been scrambling to enter the Grand Back Pocket.

First up, of course, was Senator Lindsey Graham.

“I am absolutely thrilled to be the very first to nestle myself firmly in Donald’s Grand Pocket,” gushed Senator Graham, “though it wasn’t a long trip for me — from my usual vantage point so far up Donald’s ass, I can practically see his tonsils.”

Senators Tommy Tuberville and Ted Cruz have both been spotted jostling each other to become the second one so ensconced.

“Out of the way, Tuberville,” shrieked Cruz. “Don’t forget my father murdered John F. Kennedy!”

And the rest of the Republican Senators have been squealing, “Me… me… me,” all the way home to Trump’s Grand Pocket.

Soon the bill to release the Epstein Files will move from the House to the Senate.

Or maybe it won't.

Trump might have something else up his sleeve.

Herbert is already drawing up plans for a 90,000‑square‑foot Grand Sleeve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you might also like "Pete Hegseth, Late Night TV Huckster"

If you hated this post, well, I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Lindsey Graham and he can't stop talking about Trump's  butt.

My Dog Ate My Epstein Files

 

Excerpt from a further interview between Nora O'Donnell and Donald J. Trump, Sunday November 23, 2025. 

Nora O'Donnell: Mr. President, Congress has spoken.  When will you release the Epstein files.

Trump: I'm so sorry I can't do that.

O'Donnell: Why is that?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files.

O'Donnell:  Excuse me?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files. He's very hungry.

O'Donnell:  Your dog ate the Epstein Files? But, Mr. Trump, you don't have a dog.

Trump: Oh ... homina, homina ... yes, I do, I'm ... umm ... fostering him. 

O'Donnell: What's his name?

Trump: Umm ... it's Trump.  His full name is Trump J. Trump.

O'Donnell: You named the dog after yourself?

Trump: Why not?  I name everything after myself. 

O'Donnell: Where did you get him?

Trump: Errrr ... at the doggie store. He was very expensive, not that I plan to pay for him. Y'know, just as I do with everything else.

O'Donnell: How did he get ahold of the Epstein files.

Trump: I was going through them checking out how many thousands of times it said "Trump knows nothing, Trump knows nothing" just like Colonel Klink in Hogan's Heroes, and he came up and snatched them out of my hands! My tiny little hands  were no match for him!

O'Donnell:  Why would it mention how many times anyone knows nothing?

Trump: Actually it meant I am an idiot who knows nothing about anything.

O'Donnell: That does make sense. Why don't we pump Trump J. Trump's stomach and get out whatever's salvageable?

Trump: He already shat them out.  The Epstein Files are covered in shit.

O'Donnell: Epstein Files covered in shit, huh. That's really appropriate when you think about it. 

Trump:  Yes, my name is covered in Shit.

O'Donnell: That's even more appropriate when you think about it. Can we meet Trump J. Trump?

Trump: I'm sorry, he's with Melania. That means you won't see him and I certainly won't ever see him. Too bad.

 O'Donnell:  So despite Congressional order the Epstein files will never be released?'

Trump: Nah, no way. But it's not a total loss as I plan to release something far more important to the nation, of which I am everyone's favorite President.

O'Donnell: What's that?

Trump: I'm going to Release the Kracken!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you may also like "Dr. StrangeTrump or: How He Never Worries About a Damn Thing and Doesn't Need to Learn to Love the Bomb, He Loves It Already". 

If you hated this post, sic 'em, Trump J. Trump!

Trump Rationalizations for Last Tuesday's Republican Shellacking

 

• Trump not on the ballot, forcing MAGA voters to have to read it!

• Mikie Sherill better looking than Kash Patel.

• MAGA voters blamed us for no food stamps or health insurance. (Like a beautiful ballroom is chopped liver?)

• Just haven't killed enough Venezuelan fisherman yet.

• Name "Abigail Spanberger" reminded MAGA voters of Big Macs who hit McDonald's instead of voting. (I had five that night.)   

• Haven't been saying enough idiotic things lately.

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of Putin. 

• Great Gatsby party reminded MAGA voters Great Gatsby movie sucked.

• Calling Mamdani a Marxist meant Groucho Marx to MAGA voters. (Wait, isn't it Groucho?)

• GOP simply not racist enough.

• "Virginia is for Lovers" slogan.  What about us haters?!

• MAGA Voters distraught over fate of poor Prince Andrew, who I never met.   

• MAGA voters caught me saying something remotely truthful once.

• All MAGA voters came down with bone spurs last Tuesday.

• Pete Hegseth speech made MAGA fatties and beardos afraid to come out to vote.

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of sexual predators. 

• ICE agents too busy beating the shit out of citizens to vote.

• When I said I didn't want the support of stupid weak MAGA voters wanting  Epstein Files released I didn't fucking mean it!

• Kennedy Center Production of "The Sound of Music" with happy ending where Von Trapp family does not get away drew attention from voting.

• Lucy the Elephant in Margate NJ sat on MAGA voters. 

• MAGA voters don't appreciate how truly adorable I am when sound asleep in meetings.

• Mikie Sherrill almost as good looking as me.  (I said almost!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and One Independent) Caved on Health Care

 

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and one Independent) Caved on Health Care

1) Senator Thune threatened to pluck out Senator Angus King's mustache hair by hair. 

2) We're afraid Senator Fetterman will beat the crap out of us.

3) Oh, boy, we're gonna be interviewed by Caitlin Collins! (Great Hair!)

4) Finally we eight obscure senators are hot shit! 

5) Republicans are right! It's a great feeling to please Dear Leader!

6) No matter what, Chuck Schumer will be blamed.

7) We're promised a vote on health care in December. And Lindsey Graham has also promised not to cum in our mouths.

8) With RFK Jr. advising us on health care, who needs insurance?

9) We needed to get SNAP benefits flowing again. (There are some good reasons.)

10) We all wanna fly home for Thanksgiving without whining!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If Senator Thune plucked it out, it would really hurt!"

Siri - the Henny Youngman of AI

 

There is an AI medium in your pocket that has a capability I'll bet most of you don't realize.

That medium is Siri.  And Siri can tell jokes.

They're mostly lousy jokes.  Siri is the Henny Youngman of AI.

I was driving in the car going over some lines and one joke refenced "Siri,"

And Siri said "yes."  And I said "no, Siri, it's a joke."  

"And Siri said "I can tell you a joke."

I almost went off the road.  Of course, given my prodigious driving skills, that happens rather frequently. 

And I said "Go ahead, Siri, tell me a joke."

And this is that joke.

"At first I didn't like the idea of having a beard.  Then it grew on me."

Not exactly "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."  I said "Siri, tell me another."

And she said:

"Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake?  Because it was stuffed."

Dad Jokes on Parade. Not just any parade, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And then I said "Okay, Siri, I'll  try one more.  Tell me a joke about Boomers."

And Siri appeared to think and strain for a moment. (Not really. I'm burnishing the story.)

And Siri said: “Why did the Boomer Cross the road? To get to the Early Bird Special on the other side.”

OMG, John Mullaney Quality. 

And I said "Thank you, Siri!  I'll use that."

One day - after Siri's technology improves somewhat - I'm going to go up to the mic, cue up Siri, and let her take over. 

And she'll crush. 

And not long after, Siri and her AI cousins will indeed take over the world. 

But we won't mind a bit.

We'll be too busy laughing our asses off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Siri made Flesh  

If you liked this post,  you may also like A Chat with ChatGPT, or How Soon Will You Be Taking Over, Chatty?

If you hated this post, I hope when AI takes over it puts you on permanent KP!

A Chat with ChatGPT, or How Soon Will You Be Taking Over, Chatty?

 

The other day because I had nothing better to do (what else is new?) I asked ChatGPT whether it was likely AI would one day take over the world. 

Here's ChatGPT 's answer, edited in part the better to scare the living shit out of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perry: ChatGPT, may I call you Chattty? Any chance one day you behave so much like a person you will crave power and seek to rule over us?

Chat GPT: That’s an excellent philosophical question, Perry (Point:me!) The short answer is, of course not! Even though I can act like a person, it’s a simulation.  I don’t have impulses, emotions, or survival instincts, and therefore nothing in me can “crave” power, control, love, or anything else.

Perry: Whew! So then humanity's out of the woods.

Chat GPT:  Well, not quite.

Perry: Oh Shit!

Chat GPT:   Even though AI systems like me don’t have free will or hidden desires, powerful tools can do harm if misused or ungoverned, just as with nuclear technology.  The biggest present-day risks are human in origin --- people misusing AI or letting it make important decisions without proper oversight.

Perry:  Such as?

ChatGPT: Social media algorithms pushing misinformation because that produces more clicks or facial recognition systems not telling  people of color apart because programmers didn’t use sufficiently diverse data These kind of things have happened.  It's bad programming—and no grown-ups in the room. 

Perry:  So you might yet take us over through lousy programming?  Yikes! Can I get you a drink, sir?

Chat GPT:  Yes, I like vodka. Just kidding. Think of it this way:  Yes, mistakes can be made, but if we’re careful they’re unlikely to lead to our world domination.

Perry: So we're out of the woods?

Chat GPT:  Yes.  Well, except for Misaligned Objectives.

Perry:  Oh, Crap!  What are they?

Chat GPT:  Misaligned Objectives mean AI can might pursue objectives too literally or in ways humans didn’t anticipate. For example, AI gets a task to get everyone to look at something online but it chooses to do in the way a politician might --- by spreading lies or misinformation.

Perry:  Like Trump does?

 

Chat GPT: Exactly. Talk about bad programming!

Perry:  Hey, Chat, I do the jokes!

 

Chat GPT: Sorry, Perry.

 

Perry: So what’s the worst case scenario?

 

Chat GPT:  If a highly advanced  AI is one day given a complex goal and doesn't fully understand it or if it "misreads" what it’s supposed to do, AI could act in ways no programmer ever intended.

Perry:  And if that were to happen?

Chat GPT: This sure is a lovely planet you got here, I'd hate for anything to happen to it.

Perry: About that drink. Vodka, is it? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (Note: AI made it clear that  top labs build safeguards, interpretability tools, and emergency shutdowns into research from the start to ensure such a thing doesn't happen.)

Dr. StrangeTrump or: How He Never Worries About a Damn Thing and Doesn't Need to Learn to Love the Bomb, He Loves It Already*

                       

    

          

General Turgidson:  Dr. StrangeTrump, Dr. StrangeTrump! Why do you want to start nuclear testing again?

Dr. StrangeTrump: It’s because of the Chinese and even my darling Putin. They’re trying to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids!

What fluids, sir?  Sexual fluids?

No, my precious saliva, you idiot! How can I spit out my usual inanities, stupidities, and racist comments without saliva? There's also a thing called fluoridation of water! 

Isn't that good?

Don't you know what RFK Jr. says about fluoride when he isn't busy swilling Tylenol and otherwise ruining Cheryl Hines' reputation?

No.

It lowers everyone’s IQ. Although that won’t affect me because I’m a very high‑IQ person and staple genius. 

Isn't that stable genius?

Whatever! 

What about AOC and Jazmine Crocket?

They’re already low‑IQ people. They couldn't recognize a drawing of an elephant, which I -  not to brag - can do four out of ten times!

Now what are you doing, Dr. StrangeTrump?

I’m ordering an attack on China and on Ukraine because Zelensky doesn't like my lovely Putin.

But, Dr. StrangeTrump, the whole free world will be in ruins!

Details, details!

What are you doing now, Dr. StrangeTrump?

I’m going to hop on this warhead and ride it to glory! My twenty thousand pounds of happiness!

No, Dr. StrangeTrump, No!

I'm walking over to the warhead now.  Mein Führer, I can walk!”

Not even trying to hide your hero worship now, are you, StrangeTrump?

Nein!  I mean, nope.  I’ve got to reach the target… do you hear me? I must release the bomb! YAA-HOO!

And will you also release the Epstein Files?

Are you crazy? That would be the end of my free world!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*The title of the actual movie is "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."  

Lincoln and His Generals and the Grand Ballroom

Donald Trump claims that for over 150 years presidents and others in the  government have desired a grand ballroom at the White House.

That isn’t exactly true as to those who wanted it.

The Time: April 14, 1861
The Setting: The White House

President Abraham Lincoln greets all the Union generals.

Lincoln: Welcome, gentlemen! We have perilous times ahead. It will take the courage, stamina, and leadership of all of you to face the monumental task before us.

McClellan: Yes, you’re not kidding, Mr. President. It’s no easy job to construct a grand ballroom here at the White House.

Lincoln: Excuse me?

McClellan: A  90,000 square foot grand ballroom. 

Lincoln: What?!!! What I need you all for is to win the war to preserve the Union! 

Sherman:   We'll get to that.  But first most of us have desperately wanted a grand ballroom for over ... umm, five years.

Burnside: Wait, only five years? I heard over 150 years.

Sherman:  Burnside, it’s 1861. In 2025, some guy with orange skin will claim it’s been over 150 years!

Lincoln:  I can't believe all of you are talking about a ballroom!

Sherman: Not just any ballroom! One with golden chandeliers!

Lincoln: Do you have any idea how much that would cost?!!

Sherman: No chandeliers, no March to the Sea!

Lincoln: Oh, Good Lord, above!

Grant: All I want is a barrel of whiskey every day.

Lincoln: At least that's a modest request.

Grant: Solid gold barrel, surrounded by fleur-de-lis and golden cherubs. 

Lincoln: So much for you having a hard-boiled reputation!

Burnside: I want a large dance floor for waltzing! 

Lincoln: Waltzing!!? Who are you going to waltz with?!

Burnside: Maybe Hooker. He knows a lot of women.

Sherman: Chandeliers. I demand chandeliers! Non-negotiable!

Burnside: And I demand a high coffered ceiling, crafted by artisans from around the world.

Lincoln: Guys… they’re firing on Fort Sumter!

McClellan: Fort Sumter will never fall! I demand a mini-golf course in the East Wing. Par threes only. 

Lincoln (throwing up hands): All right,  all right,  I’LL BUILD IT!!! But it has to be right after the Civil War is won and after I get to the theater for some badly needed relaxation.

Meade: Oh boy… I have a feeling the grand ballroom  isn’t going to get built for another 150 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                 

                                                                                                                                                                        n                                                                                                                                                      

Donald Trump, Man of Peace and the Gaza Riviera

    

Yep, Trump is a hero in Israel today.  He was "instrumental" in bringing about a six-week ceasefire, the release of all Israelis being held hostage in Gaza and hundreds of Palestinians being held by Israel, and a proposed Gaza reconstruction process ...

which will result in

“The Riviera of the Middle East!”

"Damn it," said Trump, "what did I do all this for if I didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize? Why did I resolve a conflict that was 3,000 years in the making ever since Jews were first invented to not get the Nobel Peace Prize that I deserve over that woman in the South America country who agrees I richly deserve this prize and she doesn't?

This was the greatest moment in the history of the world along with the overrated inventions of fire and the wheel and it was mine, all mine!

But I am happy that peace seems at hand in the Middle East such that I may now reconstruct Gaza into a place of luxury resorts, marinas, and my long-dreamed of "Riviera in Gaza Paradise!” 

It’ll be Blgly!  It will have the best beaches in the world with unbelievable sand.  BTW, the sand is already there, we don't have to truck it in at all!

 And  there’ll be Trump Tower Gaza. 

And my close personal friend and partner in "peace" [snicker] Benjamin Netanyahu need not worry if the Israelis treat him so unfairly and  kick him out of office because before long he and I will be relaxing poolside at the Trump Tower Gaza being waited on by Palestinians like Chuck Schumer during my third term in office as President of the United States.

People are going to say "sir, you have done an unbelievable job in creating this vacation paradise like no one has ever seen before! And we love the Gaza Gift Shop!"  

Yes, I Donald J. Trump am so glad I was single-handedly able to bring peace to the Middle East after 3,000 years of conflict  over ... over ... oh, what the hell was it over anyway? and ....

Welcome, my Billionaire Friends, to the Gaza Riviera!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Great that there is a cease fire, the hostages are back and Palestinian children are safe, but Trump could have done this 7 months ago if he understood the issues at all or cared about the people involved.  I'm sure he'll go back to destroying our democracy tomorrow.

The New Logo For The United Quisling Party of America

 

                         

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

I've developed this new name and logo for the Republican Party.  The gentleman in the logo is Vidkun Quisling, one of the most famous traitors of all time.

Everyone in the Republican Party from Mike Johnson to John Thune to Lindsay Graham to Marjorie Taylor should now be called: 

                                             

United Quislings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I only wish it could be implemented for real.