My Dog Ate My Epstein Files

 

Excerpt from a further interview between Nora O'Donnell and Donald J. Trump, Sunday November 16, 2025. 

Nora O'Donnell: Mr. President, the entire nation wants to know.  When will you release the Epstein files.

Trump: I'm so sorry I can't do that.

O'Donnell: Why is that?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files.

O'Donnell:  Excuse me?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files. He's very hungry.

O'Donnell:  Your dog ate the Epstein Files? But, Mr. Trump, you don't have a dog.

Trump: Oh ... homina, homina ... yes, I do, I'm ... umm ... fostering him. 

O'Donnell: What's his name?

Trump: Umm ... it's Trump.  His full name is Trump J. Trump.

O'Donnell: You named the dog after yourself?

Trump: Why not?  I name everything after myself. 

O'Donnell: Where did you get him?

Trump: Errrr ... at the dog store. He was very expensive, not that I plan to pay for him as I do with everything else.

O'Donnell: How did he get ahold of the Epstein files.

Trump: I was going through them checking out how many thousands of times it said "Trump knows nothing, Trump knows nothing" just like Colonel Klink in Hogan's Heroes, and he came up and snatched them out of my tiny little hands!

O'Donnell:  Why would it mention how many times anyone knows nothing?

Trump: Actually it meant I am an idiot who knows nothing about anything.

O'Donnell: That does make sense. Why don't we pump Trump J. Trump's stomach and get out whatever's salvageable?

Trump: He already shat them out.  The Epstein Files are covered in shit.

O'Donnell: Epstein Files covered in shit, huh. That's really appropriate when you think about it. 

Trump:  Yes, my name is covered in Shit.

O'Donnell: That's even more appropriate when you think about it. Can we meet Trump J. Trump?

Trump: I'm sorry, he's with Melania. That means you won't see him and I certainly won't ever see him. No, no, never ever ever!

 O'Donnell:  So the Epstein files will never be released?'

Trump: Nah, no way. But it's not a total loss as I plan to release something far more important to the nation, of which I am everyone's favorite President.

O'Donnell: What's that?

Trump: I'm going to Release the Kracken!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you may also like "Dr. StrangeTrump or: How He Never Worries About a Damn Thing and Doesn't Need to Learn to Love the Bomb, He Loves It Already". If you hated this post, sic 'em, Trump J. Trump!

Trump Rationalizations for Last Tuesday's Republican Shellacking

 

• Trump not on the ballot, forcing MAGA voters to have to read it!

• Mikie Sherill better looking than Kash Patel.

• MAGA voters blamed us for no food stamps or health insurance. (Like a beautiful ballroom is chopped liver?)

• Just haven't killed enough Venezuelan fisherman yet.

• Name "Abigail Spanberger" reminded MAGA voters of Big Macs who hit McDonald's instead of voting. (I had five that night.)   

• Haven't been saying enough idiotic things lately.

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of Putin. 

• Great Gatsby party reminded MAGA voters Great Gatsby movie sucked.

• Calling Mamdani a Marxist meant Groucho Marx to MAGA voters. (Wait, isn't it Groucho?)

• GOP simply not racist enough.

• "Virginia is for Lovers" slogan.  What about us haters?!

• MAGA Voters distraught over fate of poor Prince Andrew, who I never met.   

• MAGA voters caught me saying something remotely truthful once.

• All MAGA voters came down with bone spurs last Tuesday.

• Pete Hegseth speech made MAGA fatties and beardos afraid to come out to vote.

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of sexual predators. 

• ICE agents too busy beating the shit out of citizens to vote.

• When I said I didn't want the support of stupid weak MAGA voters wanting  Epstein Files released I didn't fucking mean it!

• Kennedy Center Production of "The Sound of Music" with happy ending where Von Trapp family does not get away drew attention from voting.

• Lucy the Elephant in Margate NJ sat on MAGA voters. 

• MAGA voters don't appreciate how truly adorable I am when sound asleep in meetings.

• Mikie Sherrill almost as good looking as me.  (I said almost!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and One Independent) Caved on Health Care

 

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and one Independent) Caved on Health Care

1) Senator Thune threatened to pluck out Senator Angus King's mustache hair by hair. 

2) We're afraid Senator Fetterman will beat the crap out of us.

3) Oh, boy, we're gonna be interviewed by Caitlin Collins! (Great Hair!)

4) Finally we eight obscure senators are hot shit! 

5) Republicans are right! It's a great feeling to please Dear Leader!

6) No matter what, Chuck Schumer will be blamed.

7) We're promised a vote on health care in December. And Lindsey Graham has also promised not to cum in our mouths.

8) With RFK Jr. advising us on health care, who needs insurance?

9) We needed to get SNAP benefits flowing again. (There are some good reasons.)

10) We all wanna fly home for Thanksgiving without whining!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If Senator Thune plucked it out, it would really hurt!"

Siri - the Henny Youngman of AI

 

There is an AI medium in your pocket that has a capability I'll bet most of you don't realize.

That medium is Siri.  And Siri can tell jokes.

They're mostly lousy jokes.  Siri is the Henny Youngman of AI.

I was driving in the car going over some lines and one joke refenced "Siri,"

And Siri said "yes."  And I said "no, Siri, it's a joke."  

"And Siri said "I can tell you a joke."

I almost went off the road.  Of course, given my prodigious driving skills, that happens rather frequently. 

And I said "Go ahead, Siri, tell me a joke."

And this is that joke.

"At first I didn't like the idea of having a beard.  Then it grew on me."

Not exactly "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."  I said "Siri, tell me another."

And she said:

"Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake?  Because it was stuffed."

Dad Jokes on Parade. Not just any parade, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And then I said "Okay, Siri, I'll  try one more.  Tell me a joke about Boomers."

And Siri appeared to think and strain for a moment. (Not really. I'm burnishing the story.)

And Siri said: “Why did the Boomer Cross the road? To get to the Early Bird Special on the other side.”

OMG, John Mullaney Quality. 

And I said "Thank you, Siri!  I'll use that."

One day - after Siri's technology improves somewhat - I'm going to go up to the mic, cue up Siri, and let her take over. 

And she'll crush. 

And not long after, Siri and her AI cousins will indeed take over the world. 

But we won't mind a bit.

We'll be too busy laughing our asses off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Siri as she would appear today.  

But not for long. 

A Chat with ChatGPT, or How Soon Will You Be Taking Over, Chatty?

 

The other day because I had nothing better to do (what else is new?) I asked ChatGPT whether it was likely AI would one day take over the world. 

Here's ChatGPT 's answer, edited in part the better to scare the living shit out of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perry: ChatGPT, may I call you Chattty? Any chance one day you behave so much like a person you will crave power and seek to rule over us?

Chat GPT: That’s an excellent philosophical question, Perry (Point:me!) The short answer is, of course not! Even though I can act like a person, it’s a simulation.  I don’t have impulses, emotions, or survival instincts, and therefore nothing in me can “crave” power, control, love, or anything else.

Perry: Whew! So then humanity's out of the woods.

Chat GPT:  Well, not quite.

Perry: Oh Shit!

Chat GPT:   Even though AI systems like me don’t have free will or hidden desires, powerful tools can do harm if misused or ungoverned, just as with nuclear technology.  The biggest present-day risks are human in origin --- people misusing AI or letting it make important decisions without proper oversight.

Perry:  Such as?

ChatGPT: Social media algorithms pushing misinformation because that produces more clicks or facial recognition systems not telling  people of color apart because programmers didn’t use sufficiently diverse data These kind of things have happened.  It's bad programming—and no grown-ups in the room. 

Perry:  So you might yet take us over through lousy programming?  Yikes! Can I get you a drink, sir?

Chat GPT:  Yes, I like vodka. Just kidding. Think of it this way:  Yes, mistakes can be made, but if we’re careful they’re unlikely to lead to our world domination.

Perry: So we're out of the woods?

Chat GPT:  Yes.  Well, except for Misaligned Objectives.

Perry:  Oh, Crap!  What are they?

Chat GPT:  Misaligned Objectives mean AI can might pursue objectives too literally or in ways humans didn’t anticipate. For example, AI gets a task to get everyone to look at something online but it chooses to do in the way a politician might --- by spreading lies or misinformation.

Perry:  Like Trump does?

 

Chat GPT: Exactly. Talk about bad programming!

Perry:  Hey, Chat, I do the jokes!

 

Chat GPT: Sorry, Perry.

 

Perry: So what’s the worst case scenario?

 

Chat GPT:  If a highly advanced  AI is one day given a complex goal and doesn't fully understand it or if it "misreads" what it’s supposed to do, AI could act in ways no programmer ever intended.

Perry:  And if that were to happen?

Chat GPT: This sure is a lovely planet you got here, I'd hate for anything to happen to it.

Perry: About that drink. Vodka, is it? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (Note: AI made it clear that  top labs build safeguards, interpretability tools, and emergency shutdowns into research from the start to ensure such a thing doesn't happen.)

Dr. StrangeTrump or: How He Never Worries About a Damn Thing and Doesn't Need to Learn to Love the Bomb, He Loves It Already*

                       

    

          

General Turgidson:  Dr. StrangeTrump, Dr. StrangeTrump! Why do you want to start nuclear testing again?

Dr. StrangeTrump: It’s because of the Chinese and even my darling Putin. They’re trying to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids!

What fluids, sir?  Sexual fluids?

No, my precious saliva, you idiot! How can I spit out my usual inanities, stupidities, and racist comments without saliva? There's also a thing called fluoridation of water! 

Isn't that good?

Don't you know what RFK Jr. says about fluoride when he isn't busy swilling Tylenol and otherwise ruining Cheryl Hines' reputation?

No.

It lowers everyone’s IQ. Although that won’t affect me because I’m a very high‑IQ person and staple genius. 

Isn't that stable genius?

Whatever! 

What about AOC and Jazmine Crocket?

They’re already low‑IQ people. They couldn't recognize a drawing of an elephant, which I -  not to brag - can do four out of ten times!

Now what are you doing, Dr. StrangeTrump?

I’m ordering an attack on China and on Ukraine because Zelensky doesn't like my lovely Putin.

But, Dr. StrangeTrump, the whole free world will be in ruins!

Details, details!

What are you doing now, Dr. StrangeTrump?

I’m going to hop on this warhead and ride it to glory! My twenty thousand pounds of happiness!

No, Dr. StrangeTrump, No!

I'm walking over to the warhead now.  Mein Führer, I can walk!”

Not even trying to hide your hero worship now, are you, StrangeTrump?

Nein!  I mean, nope.  I’ve got to reach the target… do you hear me? I must release the bomb! YAA-HOO!

And will you also release the Epstein Files?

Are you crazy? That would be the end of my free world!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*The title of the actual movie is "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."  

Lincoln and His Generals and the Grand Ballroom

Donald Trump claims that for over 150 years presidents and others in the  government have desired a grand ballroom at the White House.

That isn’t exactly true as to those who wanted it.

The Time: April 14, 1861
The Setting: The White House

President Abraham Lincoln greets all the Union generals.

Lincoln: Welcome, gentlemen! We have perilous times ahead. It will take the courage, stamina, and leadership of all of you to face the monumental task before us.

McClellan: Yes, you’re not kidding, Mr. President. It’s no easy job to construct a grand ballroom here at the White House.

Lincoln: Excuse me?

McClellan: A  90,000 square foot grand ballroom. 

Lincoln: What?!!! What I need you all for is to win the war to preserve the Union! 

Sherman:   We'll get to that.  But first most of us have desperately wanted a grand ballroom for over ... umm, five years.

Burnside: Wait, only five years? I heard over 150 years.

Sherman:  Burnside, it’s 1861. In 2025, some guy with orange skin will claim it’s been over 150 years!

Lincoln:  I can't believe all of you are talking about a ballroom!

Sherman: Not just any ballroom! One with golden chandeliers!

Lincoln: Do you have any idea how much that would cost?!!

Sherman: No chandeliers, no March to the Sea!

Lincoln: Oh, Good Lord, above!

Grant: All I want is a barrel of whiskey every day.

Lincoln: At least that's a modest request.

Grant: Solid gold barrel, surrounded by fleur-de-lis and golden cherubs. 

Lincoln: So much for you having a hard-boiled reputation!

Burnside: I want a large dance floor for waltzing! 

Lincoln: Waltzing!!? Who are you going to waltz with?!

Burnside: Maybe Hooker. He knows a lot of women.

Sherman: Chandeliers. I demand chandeliers! Non-negotiable!

Burnside: And I demand a high coffered ceiling, crafted by artisans from around the world.

Lincoln: Guys… they’re firing on Fort Sumter!

McClellan: Fort Sumter will never fall! I demand a mini-golf course in the East Wing. Par threes only. 

Lincoln (throwing up hands): All right,  all right,  I’LL BUILD IT!!! But it has to be right after the Civil War is won and after I get to the theater for some badly needed relaxation.

Meade: Oh boy… I have a feeling the grand ballroom  isn’t going to get built for another 150 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                 

                                                                                                                                                                        n                                                                                                                                                      

Donald Trump, Man of Peace and the Gaza Riviera

    

Yep, Trump is a hero in Israel today.  He was "instrumental" in bringing about a six-week ceasefire, the release of all Israelis being held hostage in Gaza and hundreds of Palestinians being held by Israel, and a proposed Gaza reconstruction process ...

which will result in

“The Riviera of the Middle East!”

"Damn it," said Trump, "what did I do all this for if I didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize? Why did I resolve a conflict that was 3,000 years in the making ever since Jews were first invented to not get the Nobel Peace Prize that I deserve over that woman in the South America country who agrees I richly deserve this prize and she doesn't?

This was the greatest moment in the history of the world along with the overrated inventions of fire and the wheel and it was mine, all mine!

But I am happy that peace seems at hand in the Middle East such that I may now reconstruct Gaza into a place of luxury resorts, marinas, and my long-dreamed of "Riviera in Gaza Paradise!” 

It’ll be Blgly!  It will have the best beaches in the world with unbelievable sand.  BTW, the sand is already there, we don't have to truck it in at all!

 And  there’ll be Trump Tower Gaza. 

And my close personal friend and partner in "peace" [snicker] Benjamin Netanyahu need not worry if the Israelis treat him so unfairly and  kick him out of office because before long he and I will be relaxing poolside at the Trump Tower Gaza being waited on by Palestinians like Chuck Schumer during my third term in office as President of the United States.

People are going to say "sir, you have done an unbelievable job in creating this vacation paradise like no one has ever seen before! And we love the Gaza Gift Shop!"  

Yes, I Donald J. Trump am so glad I was single-handedly able to bring peace to the Middle East after 3,000 years of conflict  over ... over ... oh, what the hell was it over anyway? and ....

Welcome, my Billionaire Friends, to the Gaza Riviera!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Great that there is a cease fire, the hostages are back and Palestinian children are safe, but Trump could have done this 7 months ago if he understood the issues at all or cared about the people involved.  I'm sure he'll go back to destroying our democracy tomorrow.

The New Logo For The United Quisling Party of America

 

                         

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

I've developed this new name and logo for the Republican Party.  The gentleman in the logo is Vidkun Quisling, one of the most famous traitors of all time.

Everyone in the Republican Party from Mike Johnson to John Thune to Lindsay Graham to Marjorie Taylor should now be called: 

                                             

United Quislings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I only wish it could be implemented for real.

Trump Just Poking A Little Bit of Fun

 

According to Vice President JD Vance President Trump was just "poking a little bit of fun" when he posted the above deep fakes of Minority House Leader Hakeem Jeffries and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer that were not only profoundly racist but also idiotic and unbelievably puerile for the supposed leader of the Free World.

  But that's not all:

News Item:  Trump has ordered actor and activist Mark Ruffalo arrested and deported  and has mandated that Jon Voight be cast in any roles originally slated for Ruffalo.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune: Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

News Item: Trump has sent American Troops to Canada, Greenland, Barbados, and Vatican City to conquer them and create the 51st, 52nd, 53rd and 54th states of the United States "with more to come."

Speaker Mike Johnson:  Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

News Item:  Trump has unleashed multiple hydrogen bombs all throughout the planet and most of the Earth is in ruins.

Vice President JD Vance:  Oh, that's just President Trump poking a little bit of fun.

We should all be able to poke as much fun in our lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just poking a little bit of fun.

Pete Hegseth, Late Night TV Huckster

 

 I'm Secretary of Hot War Pete Hegseth!  In  line with my compelling speech on Warrior Ethos a few days ago, I'm coming to you on ABC, CBS and any other radical left crazy TV broadcast stations we can make money on with an amazing offer!

Most warriors over 40 look in the mirror and see this:

When they could be seeing this:

 Yes, today's warriors need to be trim, fit, and male. And there will be no more beards, long hair, or superficial individual expression. But worst of all is a warrior with undereye bags!

Nothing indicates lack of readiness to hunt, attack, and kill our enemies than looking like you've been up all night drinking, which, umm, I never have been!

But now there's Particle Face Cream which will reduce those undereye bags to fighting size to make you look great as you rip the lungs out of the Enemy Within in Portland Oregon!

And fellas: it will make those few women who remain in our armed services after we kick most of them out look younger and hotter! Ah-Whooo!

Particle Face Cream has six clinically proven ingredients.  Do I know what they are? Of course not, who cares?

So, generals and admirals and even lowly warriors, through this special TV offer on this radical left crazy woke television station, Particle Face Cream is now available for the low, low price of only $99.99 per tube but hey, I'm only getting half of that! 

Of course Trump is getting the other half, naturally.

Get Yourself Particle Face Cream today!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[BTW, Garish tattoos are fine and dandy!]

Yep, It was I, Mickey Mouse, Who Made the Decision to Can Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

I, Mickey Mouse, am the one who made the decision to can Jimmy Kimmel.

 After all, I am the face of all the Disney Enterprises.  

I was only doing what Walt Disney would have wanted me to do. Let's face it: Walt was not the most liberal of gentleman.  He would say to me "Mickey, I want to change the lyrics to "When You Wish Upon a Star"  from:

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are   

 to

When you wish upon a star 

Makes a big difference who you are!"

Many people have wondered if Walt was antisemitic. When Michael Eisner  became Chairman of Disney, Walt got himself cryogenically flash frozen and I doubt he'll ever come out again.

That was Walt.  But what could I do, he drew me and he could erase me!

So we tried to play ball with Trump.

We returned Splash Mountain to its original racially insensitive Uncle Remus Song of the South origins. 

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah, my ass!

We installed a new attraction Howard Ludnik's Wild Ride. Seemed natural because Howard Ludnik has a face like a Muppets Character.

I even made Donald Duck wear pants for the first time ever to prevent Donald from looking 'too woke.'

And we shitcanned Jimmy Kimmel.

It wasn't an easy decision.  Guillermo is like a second father to me.

But at what a price!

We had five visitors to Disney World in Florida last week, and they were The Five from Fox News.

There are so few people in Disney World anymore I'm afraid Trump will mistake Pirates of the Caribbean for a boat from Venezuela and bomb it.

I am receiving endless volumes of angry mail from all over the country, much of which is decidedly anti-Mouse.  Frankly  I haven't seen so much mouse hatred since the townsfolk in the Piped Piper of Hamelin.

Minnie has left me.  I think she's dating Stephen Miller. 

He certainly looks like a rat.

Yep, of course I'm regretting the decision! I've just got to relax.

I wonder if Colbert is on tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Difference Between "Use By" and "Better If Used By" - A Primer

 

The older I get the more I'm concerned about things like the labelling on the food we eat. I've made a bit of the study of the subject and this is what I have concluded.

There is a significant difference between food labeled "Use by March 1, 2025 " and food labeled "Better If Used by March1, 2025." The "Use By" admonition is hard and fast.  You shouldn't dare eat the product, let's say it's pudding, once you have transgressed the proffered date. What will happen? 

   "OMG. I missed the "Use By March1, 2025"  date! It's March 2!  I'm poisoned!           Oh no, I'm glowing green!  I'm probably  radioactive! 

Then there is the "Better If Used by March 1, 2025" ....

       "Oh, it's March 2, I missed the March 1 date. You know, this pudding is good.             But yesterday it was better."

There's no hard and fast drop dead date. You could eat the pudding next year.  It would still be pretty good, it just wouldn't be "better."   

All you'd have to do is keep in mind to eat it before the Apocalypse.

Then there are products labelled "Enjoy by March 1, 2025."  But what if I eat the pudding before the provided date and I don't enjoy it? Then the label is a lie!  They promised enjoyment and didn't deliver.

So avoid this label.

And so the morale of the story is always buy food labeled "Better If Used By"  because you can pretty much eat it forever.  I hope this clarifies things for you.

I wish it did for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TV Talk with Donald J. Trump

 

TV Talk

by Television Critic, Donald J. Trump

A few thoughts on the new television season.

 This fall brings the return of Only Murders in the Building and again the pairing of Steve Martin and Martin Short continues to be nothing short of inspired.  These two pros know how to garner laughs out of material which sometimes falls short of stellar but which is always at least solidly serviceable.. 

The premise may be a wee bit shopworn but with Selena Gomez along to keep it from being too Boomer-centric, Only Murders is consistently amiable and enjoyable.

I wish I could say the same about another Boomer- oriented offering, The Thursday Murder Club.  This movie wastes Hellen Mirren, Ben Kingsley, and Pierce Brosnan in a sea of agist tropes and an insipid murder mystery which makes it a major disappointment.

The Studio on Apple, however, continues to demonstrate why it is a multiple Emmy winner.  Seth Rogan's comedic directing and timing is impeccable - as is that of the rest of the cast - making this a sublime send up of Hollywood. 

On the other hand, Jimmy Kimmel is a no talent dipshit with no ratings and here's what I have to say about his long overdue suspension.

And Seth Myers and Jimmy Fallon are both no talent losers and those two scumbags are next!

 Meanwhile I'm happy to report that construction is proceeding apace on the new White House ballroom which will consist of 80,000 square feet of ornately designed  space and include a 105 inch OLED television screen which I will use to screen the latest in television comedy, dramedy, and documentaries so that I may write about them for all of you, my treasured readers.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Frank and Candid Conversation with Bruno on The One Day in the Year in Which Dogs Can Speak

Let's exercise our suspension of disbelief and now, once a year, dogs can talk.

And this is that once a year.

Bruno ... Bruno, is this the day?

                   You betcha.  All day long.

Funny, I thought you'd have a deeper voice.

                    You were expecting maybe James Earl Jones? 

 

No, it's fine. I've so many questions to ask you.

                   Okay, Shoot!  (Which is something I would never say to Kristi Noem!) 

Why is it that you and most dogs seem to like people more than you like other dogs?

                   Look: you feed me, you pat me, you keep me warm.                                                      What the hell has Harper down the street ever done for me?

Why do you like chasing a ball?

                  Because it hearkens back to our hunting instinct. And it's good exercise.                    You know you could get your ass out of a chair once in a while too!

Who's going to throw a ball to me?

                 OMG!  With that attitude no wonder you have the "I've Fallen and I Can't                    Get Up Company" on speed dial!

Why do you sniff the butts of other dogs?

                  It's our way of getting to know each other. You human beings meet for                      coffee to see if you're compatible. We sniff butt. 

BTW, some of us hope that meeting for coffee will lead to butt sniffing too.

                 I wasn't going to say that but yep, that's one thing we've got over you                         guys. We skip the coffee and go right to the butt sniffing.

What do you learn about a fellow dog by sniffing butt?

                So much! breed, gender, age, preferences: chasing a                                                   ball vs. chasing a stick, smelling pee vs. smelling poop, Ginger vs.                             Mary Ann, pronouns ...

 Ginger or MaryAnn?! Dogs care about that?

            Everybody cares about Ginger or MaryAnn.

Why do you pee in certain spots.  Are you marking off territory?

         

           Why do you pee in certain spots? Are you marking off territory in your toilet? 

 What kind of food do you prefer - kibble, canned dog foods, or the Fresh Pet, Farmer's Dog variety.

      

          Quite frankly, they're all about the same.

Really? You don't prefer anything?

        Yeah, the food you guys eat.  Whenever we get table scraps, all of us think the          same thing "You have this kind of food and you feed us that swill?'

Are you a Democrat?

        Of course. I may be a dog, but I'm not crazy. 

Do you mind being tethered to me while we're walking?

        Of course I do. Does anybody really think I'm gonna run off after a squirrel?             You're more likely to run off after a 55-year-old woman!

Tell me this: Do you ever feel bad that you didn't get to be a person?

         Yeah, sometimes. I might have been a doctor. Or a lawyer.

I bet you'd have been a good one.

          Yeah, especially compared to you!

Touché, Bruno! Okay, last one: are you Jewish?

          Yes, of course. That's how you guys raised me.  I dig the traditions and the                 values.

What's your favorite Jewish holiday

            Any one where's there's brisket and I get scraps!

I might have known.  Is there anything you want to ask me?

           Yep, one thing.

Shoot!  (Ooops!  Sorry.)  And it is:

          What the hell did you let them do to my balls?!

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I still hate posting pictures of myself, but I couldn't let Bruno down.