How many times have you said that there simply aren't enough hours in the day? That you don’t have enough time to do
everything you have to do?
And why doesn't somebody do
something about it?
Finally someone has.
Professor Maximillian Schlosser
of the University of Havertown has developed a brilliant innovation to time which
breaks down each day of the year into three segments instead of two. The three
segments will be:
1) Daytime
2) Nighttime
3) Schlossertime!
"I believe that the invention of Schlossertime," says Professor Schlosser, "is nothing less than the most important scientific development since the discovery of masturbation by 11 year old Ricky Scoggins of Ft. Wayne Indiana in 1947."
"I have named Schlossertime after myself," adds the professoor, " because none of you idiots thought of it!"
Under the new daily structure, Daytime will start the moment we go to work and continue until we leave work for a total of 11.5 hours. Next comes Schlossertime [patent pending] --- based on calculations so complex and intricate that even Professor Schlosser calls them “boner killers” --- for 12 hours 45 minutes.
"I have named Schlossertime after myself," adds the professoor, " because none of you idiots thought of it!"
Under the new daily structure, Daytime will start the moment we go to work and continue until we leave work for a total of 11.5 hours. Next comes Schlossertime [patent pending] --- based on calculations so complex and intricate that even Professor Schlosser calls them “boner killers” --- for 12 hours 45 minutes.
"During Schlossertime,"says Professor Schlosser,"folks get to spend time with the family and/or read and watch television, especially if they happen to be Schlosser Owls.”
Nighttime follows for ten hours
and 15 minutes bringing Total Daily Hours (TDH) to 33 hours, 34 1/2 minutes instead of the passe and laughably scant 24 hours.
Schlossertime
easily surpasses the the “Minute to Unlimit” Concept put forth in recent
years by a team from Harvard University which proposes splitting each minute
into two sub-minutes --- i.e. 5:32 P.M. (A) and 5:32 (B) --- to double the
number of minutes in each day.
Unfortunately experiments
with the Minute Double-a-tron failed to meet expectations when one minute (8:47
Friday March 15 2034) went berserk and went on a rampage, killing several
Harvard researchers before being subdued with a snooze alarm.
Schlossertime
will be implemented later this year throughout all blue states in America. If
it works as well as projected, we will have plenty of time to really fuck the shit out of the red states. At least until Schlossertime spreads nationwide on July 18, 2019 at 4:35 A.M. which happens to be --- wait for it --- Schlossertime.
Happy
Schlossertime, everyone!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you liked this post, you'll like my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and should order it right away. If you hated this post, I hope you wind up watching Jimmy Fallon and listening to ABBA for all 12 hours and 45 minutes of each and every Schlossertime!
2 comments:
Now I worry that these extra hours are going to give you more time for self-promotion. Pretty soon, you'll be posting photos of your breakfast on Facebook along with your lunch. Inquiring minds will want to know what brand of toilet tissue you use and endorsements from companies selling hemorrhoidal suppositories will come streaming in. Your ass will be famous!
My ass already IS famous!
It's the rest of me that isn't. I have no idea what that means.
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