The Least Anti-Semitic Person You've Ever Seen

I was watching Donald Trump’s impromptu press conference last week, and I heard a young Orthodox reporter ask the President a question about anti-Semitism.

"Number one,” replied Mr. Trump, ”I am the least anti-Semitic person you've ever seen in your entire life.”

How about that? Mr. Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life!   I never knew that.   

But wait a minute.  That must mean everybody else I‘ve ever seen in my entire life is anti-Semitic!  At least somewhat.   

I came downstairs to the kitchen and my son Brandon was sitting at the table.

“Just what anti-Semitic schemes are you busily hatching, kid?” I snarled.

“What are you talking about, Dad?” 

“I never realized you disliked Jews, Brandon.  What have the Chosen People ever done to you?"

“What are you saying? I’m Jewish just like you.”

“Well, you may be Jewish, but you’re not as not anti-Semitic as President Trump.  President Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life."  

“Dad, you’re crazy.”

“No wonder you always get three out of the Four Questions wrong every Passover," I snapped, and stormed out of the house. 

But as soon as I got outside I noticed something I never realized before.

Everywhere I looked there were people who were not less anti-Semitic than Donald Trump! My neighbor Mr. Lieberman, the lady down the street Mrs. Schwartz, young Danny Feldman on his way to school, the Reisman’s dog Hymie ---- virulent Jew haters all!

Now I was truly terrified.  I drove directly to the synagogue, I desperately needed to see Rabbi Debbie King.

“Rabbi King!   Rabbi King!” I shouted running into the Temple Building.

She heard me and came out of her office.

“Yes, is that you, Perry Block?”

 “Yes, it is, Rabbi.”

“How can I help you, Perry?”

“Rabbi, everywhere I look I see ….

“Yes?”

“Everywhere I look I see ….

“Yes?”

“Why, Rabbi King, you anti-Semitic bastard you!”

The world is and has always been a perilous place for us Jews. Thank goodness for Donald Trump, the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life!

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Hello Yahweh!

Hello Yahweh!

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to invent a whole new branch of Judaism. 

In Rabbinical School she was voted "Most Likely to Pass Out at Circumcisions." 

Yet the world is now abuzz with news that Rabbi Debbie has wrought the greatest innovation to Judaism since Moses lugged two engraved tablets down the mountain and advised the Jewish people to take one and call him in the morning.

Her innovation is an entirely new branch of Judaism called "Hello Yahweh."

 "The state of the world had caused me to wonder," Rabbi King said. "How could a just God allow war, poverty, disease, and ABBA?  Why would the Supreme Ruler of the Universe permit the Jews to be so unfairly mistreated for centuries when only one Jew, comedian Bob Saget, actually deserves it? 

And why is there death when we already have blind dates?"

"God cannot be evil," Rabbi Debbie said, "so there can be only one answer to why the world is so troubled."  

"God just doesn't consider it a full-time job."

 From that she developed Hello Yahweh,  the purpose of which is to get on God's case. 

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison says: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman.   And  God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry" 

("He doesn't actually say this, adds the Rabbi, "or we'd all get a shrek! It's in the liturgy.")

"We next partake of Chodosh Orov or the Holy Performance Evaluation, in which we review the Supreme Ruler of the Universe's performance for the past week," explained the Rabbi. "The congregation reads the Evaluation Form silently while I read aloud.

 We then rate the Lord in three specific categories: Omnipotence,  Omniscience,  and Punctuality."

“How does he generally do? So far this year hasn't been great. He’s being tutored in everything except Punctuality.”

"It's Tough God Love!" said Rabbi King. 

"We're holding Hashem accountable. When he acts like a schlub, we treat him like Newman. If he does better, more like George and so forth."

News of Hello Yahweh is spreading and  many feel a deep sense of comfort in knowing that God can be every bit as much of a lame ass as they are.  And if even one war ends or disease is cured as a result of God working harder to raise his D in Omnipotence up to a C+ ,  there's hope for the rest of us to stop screwing up too. 

Plus getting rid of the disease and war are kind of good things on their own. 

"I believe God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass," concluded Rabbi Debbie King, the now famous founder of Hello Yahweh. 

"He just wants us to give it a good swift kick every now and then." 

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