Monday, July 18, 2016

When Every E-Mail Knows Your Name


Years ago - maybe 30 or more - we were first introduced to word processed letters with our names included within them,  and we were simply amazed. How was such incredible technology possible?

By today's standards, of course, these long ago letters were quite primitive. They looked something like this:


________________________________

Dear BLOCK PERRY,

We are pleased to inform you that you are the winner of our Publisher's Dumpinghouse Sweepstakes and you have won a gift especially selected for folks like you! Yes, BLOCK, PERRY, all you need do is send in the enclosed Winner's Coupon addressed specifically to you,   BLOCK, PERRY,  with a nominal $80 fee and your gift will be on its way to HAVERTOWN PENNSYLVANIA!  You are one lucky MAN WOMAN,  BLOCK PERRY! We urge you to send  the coupon with your payment today!

Sincerely, 
Publisher's Dumpinghouse


___________________________________

Today all of us receive a plethora of such letters in our email every day, and the technology now is perfect and seamless.  And the information they seem to have acquired about us has greatly advanced as well.


____________________________________

Dear Perry, 

We are pleased to inform you that you are the winner of our Publisher's Dumpinghouse Sweepstakes and you have won a gift especially selected for overage neurotics such as yourself. 

Yes, Perry, all you need do is send in the attached Winner's Coupon addressed specifically to Mr. Perry Block with a nominal $80 fee and your gift will be on its way to Havertown Pennsylvania, although  not to the nicer parts of Havertown but to the low rent area in which you live. 

Frankly you are one lucky Jew, Perry, even though you are somewhat of a disgrace to your people as you haven't been in synagogue since the Destruction of the Second Temple! 

Knowing what a lazy and shiftless loser you are, we urge you to forward the coupon with your payment today.  What better do you have to do?  Get yourself a woman? 

Oh, please! 

Sincerely, 
Publisher's Dumpinghouse


________________________________________________

Yep, today every e-mail knows your name.  And, at least in my case, most everything else too.

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12 comments:

  1. But there's no malicious intent, so it's OK!

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  2. Perry my friend, so glad you are writing today, and better than ever! You make me laugh! This is nothing short of genius! You are so funny and clever! What a wonderful thing to come home to, and find this to read and get a good laugh! Is there anything better than a good laugh? I don't think so!
    I'm at the age now where I get these letters, but now from a crematorium asking about my final wishes. Ughhh! One of my wishes is I wish they would quit sending these things. Geez, I'm not that old!!!!
    My 21 yr old daughter Annie, keeps getting letters telling her she needs to sign up for Medicare. And now they are calling here at home about signing up too-WOW-She's 21!!!! What an invasion! Yes, every email and just regular mail knows our name...sadly. Yikes-what else do they know...hmmmmmm....

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    1. What a nice letter! I never realized that Cole Porter had me in mind when he wrote that "you'd be so nice to come home to." Hope you and your daughter are well, I have a 27 and a 21 year old who make me feel proud .... but also old!

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  3. Angel thinks you're a genius? You'd better print that comment out and frame it.

    That second letter reads like it was written by Donald Trumps doghouse secretary. The name calling (i.e. - overage neurotic, lazy, and shiftless loser) is of A #1 quality and usually reserved for someone running for public office instead of someone running for the county line.

    I will agree that this is clever, funny, and well written. Nice job, old man.

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    1. Thank you, Russell. Oh, and with respect to "old man," fuck you. There, that covers it.

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    2. I figured that "old man" remark would make you pinch your rectal thermometer in half.

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