Why can't a 63 year old create a dream girl too?
Last night, I was routing around HBO looking for something to watch for an hour or two instead of doing anything constructive, and I hit upon a fluffy little movie called Ruby Sparks. It's the kind of romantic comedy you kind of feel you've seen before, all about a young writer who through his writing creates his dream girl and then <POOF> magically she comes to life.
He's shocked and amazed, they come together, they love, they fight, they fight, they love, they come apart, they come back together, they love, they fight, and many other adorable things happen and that's just in the first half hour. But as I was in the process of being cuted-to-death, I began to wonder "why can't this be true for me as well?"
Why couldn't a 63 year old guy create his dream girl and have her spring to life just like she does for the young guy in the movie? I'm a writer too, provided it's possible to be a writer when the most ardent devourer of your writing is the malware attacking your computer. After all, "there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," even though your name is probably not Horatio unless both your parents hated you.
I switched off the TV and headed upstairs to the PC.
"Her name," I began, "is Gina Goldstein."
I don't really care all that much about her religion, I was thinking, but if I'm to have my total druthers, let's make her Jewish. Okay, now on to the very troublesome issue of age.
"She is 44 years old .... no .... she is a well-preserved 48 years old .... no .... astonishingly young-looking for her age, she is 52 .... no ...."
I was trying, of course, to make this part realistic. I wanted someone younger than me but not so young it'd be ridiculous to believe she'd want to hang with me short of every guy on the planet 60 and under being wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague!
"Every guy on the planet 6o and under having been wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague, she is...."
Nah, can't write that! What if it did come true? I could never deal with the guilt even if Gina did come walking out of the post-apocalyptic haze and into my life!
"She is 35 years old and has always had a thing for older men, finding young men superficial and callow."
"Gina has beautiful eyes of the deepest blue, so blue you could practically swim in them ..."
Wait a minute! What if the paranormal powers-that-be take that literally? What if she winds up with chlorine in her eyes and a lifeguard on duty? But I like the line. Whatever it is that creates women out of thin air is just going to have to be widely enough read to process metaphors!
"Her mouth is full and upturned, with a smile that makes you feel like the sun just came out. She is as loving as Mother Teresa, as funny as Jon Stewart, as sweet as Tupelo Honey, and has breasts as large as Sofia Vergara's."
Uh-oh! Every non-gay guy she meets will be staring at her boobs, coming on to her, trying to take her away from me! I better go back and UNDERLINE AND CAPITALIZE THAT PART ABOUT HER LIKING OLD GUYS and, and ... calm down now, dude, calm down! Okay, I think I've got it.
"Although she has spectacular boobs, they look much smaller and nondescript in the modest clothing she wears each and every day."
Perry, you are pure genius!
Just then the door bell rang. I leaped up from the PC, my heart pounding like the Ringo Starr drum solo on Abbey Road, and tore for the front door!
"I'm coming, Gina!" I called out. "Darling, I'll be right there!"
Fully out of breath, I reached the door and flung it open!
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Al Rothman, head of the synagogue men's club."
"You'll have to leave, Mr. Rothman. You see, I'm expecting ..."
"You're expecting me. You only get one of your characters come to life, and you created me first. Five or six posts back. Remember?"
"You're my one character?!!!"
"That's it. Say, got any blintzes here? I'd love me some cream cheese!
Well, at least I got the Jewish part right.