Sunday, November 24, 2013

Dream a Little Dream of She

 Why can't a 63 year old create a dream girl too?

Last night, I was routing around HBO looking for something to watch for an hour or two instead of doing anything constructive, and I hit upon a fluffy little movie called Ruby Sparks. It's the kind of romantic comedy you kind of feel you've seen before, all about a young writer who through his writing creates his dream girl and then <POOF> magically she comes to life.

He's shocked and amazed, they come together, they love, they fight, they fight, they love, they come apart, they come back together, they love, they fight, and many other adorable things happen and that's just in the first half hour. But as I was in the process of being cuted-to-death, I began to wonder "why can't this be true for me as well?"

Why couldn't a 63 year old guy create his dream girl and have her spring to life just like she does for the young guy in the movie?  I'm a writer too, provided it's possible to be a writer when the most ardent devourer of your writing is the malware attacking your computer.  After all, "there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," even though your name is probably not Horatio unless both your parents hated you.

I switched off the TV and headed upstairs to the PC.

"Her name," I began, "is Gina Goldstein."

I don't really care all that much about her religion, I was thinking, but if I'm to have my total druthers, let's make her Jewish.  Okay, now on to the very troublesome issue of age.

"She is 44 years old .... no .... she is a well-preserved 48 years old .... no .... astonishingly young-looking for her age, she is 52 .... no ...."

I was trying, of course, to make this part realistic.  I wanted someone younger than me but not so young it'd be ridiculous to believe she'd want to hang with me short of every guy on the planet 60 and under being wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague!

"Every guy on the planet 6o and under having been wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague, she is...."

Nah, can't write that! What if it did come true? I could never deal with the guilt even if Gina did come walking out of the post-apocalyptic haze and into my life!  

"She is 35 years old and has always had a thing for older men,  finding young men superficial and callow."

That's it!

"Gina has beautiful eyes of the deepest blue, so blue you could practically swim in them ..."

Wait a minute!  What if the paranormal powers-that-be take that literally?  What if she winds up with chlorine in her eyes and a lifeguard on duty?   But I like the line.  Whatever it is that creates women out of thin air is just going to have to be widely enough read to process metaphors!

"Her mouth is full and upturned, with a smile that makes you feel like the sun just came out. She is as loving as Mother Teresa,  as funny as Jon Stewart, as sweet as Tupelo Honey, and has breasts as large as Sofia Vergara's."

Uh-oh!  Every non-gay guy she meets will be staring at her boobs, coming on to her, trying to take her away from me! I better go back and UNDERLINE AND CAPITALIZE THAT PART ABOUT HER LIKING OLD GUYS and, and ...  calm down now, dude, calm down! Okay, I think I've got it.

"Although she has spectacular boobs, they look much smaller and nondescript in the modest clothing she wears each and every day."

Perry, you are pure genius!

Just then the door bell rang.  I leaped up from the PC, my heart pounding like the Ringo Starr drum solo on Abbey Road, and tore for the front door! 

"I'm coming, Gina!"  I called out.  "Darling, I'll be right there!"

Fully out of breath, I reached the door and flung it open!

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Al Rothman,  head of the synagogue men's club."  

"You'll have to leave, Mr. Rothman.  You see, I'm expecting ..."

"You're expecting me. You only get one of your characters come to life, and you created me first.  Five or six posts back. Remember?"

"You're my one character?!!!"

"That's it.  Say, got any blintzes here?  I'd love me some cream cheese!

Well, at least I got the Jewish part right.



Unknown said...

I would immediately search the archives of your blog for all the characters you've created and delete and/or fix their flaws. You are a brave man. I wouldn't want any of my characters ringing my doorbell. : )

Perry Block said...

I've created a lot of women but they've all rejected me. They no doubt wouldn't have viewed that as a flaw. I'm going to have to do SOMETHING though; that Al Rothman is eating me out of house and home! Thanks for writing, Lauren.

Anonymous said...

One more time! Loved the article, Perry. I think your dream girl, Gina, sounds perfect for you! So sorry that Al showed up instead. Now, since you have your woman (if only in your mind) and you've nothing more to do except keep her happy (also in your mind), maybe you can create my dream guy! Yes, that would work. Jewish is ok, but I'm Episcopalian..maybe a stretch. And let's see....I'm 5'3", weigh 118 soaking wet, am a good cook, a fair writer, and well...the list goes on and on. I do tend to laugh uncontrollably in the most inappropriate times.....but one tiny flaw shouldn't keep you from creating the perfect guy for me, right? Joy Ross Davis

Perry Block said...

Okay, here goes: His name is George Clooney. He is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood if not the biggest star and one of the handsomest men in the history of the movies. Somehow he is also one of the very few people on the planet who seems to get better looking as he gets older. He is an excellent actor and director with a terrific sense of humor and physical presence and yet he somehow doesn't take himself too seriously and is known to be a great guy and a wonderful friend. For sometime now insiders in Hollywood know he longs for a woman from Alabama who is an Episcopalian. All right, now ... SIM SALA BIM!!!

Al Rothman, what are you doing here.

injaynesworld said...

The people we fall in love with are rarely the ones we think would be ideal, but it's a clever and funny premise, Perry, and I wish you well in your search for the perfect woman. I would only want to bring a character to life that would still respond to the "delete" button.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Jayne. It's a good point. But if they don't respond to the "delete" button, there's always the "Escape" button as well!

Marcia said...

Hey, you totally described my 32 yr old daughter! She does prefer older guys but, alas, an old guy to her is a decade or so closer to 40. You and she would be a laugh riot.

Kill your characters and start over with your perfect woman...easy-peasy!

Perry Block said...

Well, then I could write you as being single! I'm willing to go a bit older for certain choice opportunities.

All right, all right, back to the drawing board!

Anonymous said...

Hi Perry,
Like you, we found this movie on HBO and watched it, and I thought it was fun light-hearted fun fare. Don't know if you noticed, but Zoe Kazan, who played Ruby wrote the movie. I have to think she's related to Elia Kazan. Granddaughter? She looks too young to be his daughter, but I don't really know. Also saw another movie with a writer as the main character. The Words, with Bradley Cooper as an aspiring novelist is watchable, but not really very good.. It's not terrible, just predictable and mediocre. By the way, there's a formula for the perfect age for a woman for any man. Take the man's age, divide it by two and add seven. Hope this helps with your fantasy. Ron

Perry Block said...

Yeah, Ron, it was a cute movie, it's just that it's hard for me to watch it without thinking, damn it!, get me one of those! It doesn't help that I was already over 30 when the stars of that movie were born. According to Wikipedia, Zoe Kazan is Elia Kazan's granddaughter and she is a lot cuter than he was, especially to those who still blame him for testifying voluntarily during the McCarthy Hearings in the 50's. Didn't see the Bradley Cooper movie,but I'm been long aware of the formula for a younger woman/older man. Shit, I've been trying to work it without success for the past ten years! Thanks for writing, Ron.

Russell said...

When I was 25 I fantazied about women 10 years older than me. Now, at 58, that idea doesn't seem as attractive as it once did. Most of the female characters I've created are irritable and grouchy. I think I'll just keep the one I have at home.

Perry Block said...

For me to fantasize about a woman 10 years older than me is to fantasize about someone I'll have to spoon feed. Most of the female characters I create are beautiful, loving, and have big boobs. Unfortunately they all reject me and I could swear I don't write that part in. You're right, stick with the one you got. And does she have a sister?

Cee Martinez said...

hehehehe I am sure you and Mr Rothman would make a lovely couple! :) x

I once created my dream guy but it entailed too much booze and painkillers and maybe it was more a bad science experiment but the point is the clean up far outweighed the benefits. LOL I should hire someone else to do the conjuring or use a monkey paw to wish on the next time ;)

Perry Block said...

Mr. Rothman is a lovely person, but frankly...< censor every last disgusting joke flashing through your mind, Perry, to come up with >... he's too tall for me. Perhaps I should have used booze and painkillers in my conjuring. It may not have produced Gina Goldstein, but at that stage every girl is Gina Goldstein!

Thanks for commenting, DPB. You are, of course, America's Dream Girl.

Beth said...

I've seen that movie! Cute premise but a little silly. Okay, I'm not Jewish and my eyes aren't blue. They are green like emeralds in the bright sun, or if I'm brooding, like the sea on a stormy day. Hopefully, I'd fall into your category of 50+ but astonishingly young looking! And I do have great boobs (or so I've been told :) One other thing (a major stumbling block)--I'm married. Create some new, sexy, smart characters and happy dreaming, Perry!

Perry Block said...

Her name is Beth. She has eyes green like emeralds in the bright sun or, if she's brooding, like the sea on a stormy day. She is over 50 but astonishingly young looking! And she has great boobs! She is also recently divorced and loves older men, especially Jewish ones.

Okay, so I padded it a bit.

Beth said...

LOL. You know how to make a girl's day! I don't think I'll ever become Jewish, though. ;) Both of my husbands (on #2) are older than me.

Perry Block said...

No need for you to be Jewish at all, just to like one of them. Okay, let's try this: Her second husband having decided later in life that he wanted to enter the priesthood ....

(BTW, followed your blog. Sorry, I meant to do it sooner.)

Beth said...

Well, it's about time. Thanks. And that priesthood thing. And Jewish thing. A lot to ponder...

Perry Block said...

While you're pondering, I'll start writing.