Monday, October 14, 2013

The Truth About Columbus

Here's what really happened, folks! 

Christopher Columbus --- do not believe whatever you read about him back in grade school. 

It didn't really happen the way you were taught. The guy simply had himself one hell of a press agent. 

Here's what actually took place back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean green and kind of murky. 

See, even that part wasn't true. 


It had been an arduous voyage for Captain Christopher Columbus and the collective crews of his three ships the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Baby. The year was 1492 and sailing under the aegis of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, Columbus sought passage to India by sailing west instead of east based upon his belief that the world was as round as Chris Christie at All You Can Eat Night at Red Lobster.

He'd had to kiss a lot of butt to secure such a kickass aegis to sail under.

Now most folks back in the day laughed and scoffed at Columbus, the common belief being that the world was flat like a pancake with delicious maple-flavored syrup poured directly on central Europe and a tasty slab of butter right in the heart of Paris. Nobody ever challenged this view because most people enjoyed the free pancake brunch on Sunday, and there was no substantial ecological movement at the time to bitch about people eating the planet.

Many also believed that a ship traveling west would encounter fearsome sea serpents, islands of vicious cannibals, and the dreaded ends of the Earth, which is why so few people ever bought return trip tickets despite the substantial discount. Dismissing the laughers and scoffers as well as the handful of dudes who laughed without scoffing and/or scoffed without laughing, Columbus set sail  on August 3, 1492.

At first all went well. The ships  caught favorable breezes, the spirits of the men were high, and so was Captain Columbus, who rarely came out of his cabin on the Santa Baby except for more Oreos and Cheez-its.

Then things began to change.

On September 12  the Nina was enveloped by a terrifying sea monster. Wrapping its body around the entire ship,  the Nina was pulled undersea and 320 screaming seamen were plummeted into a watery grave.

"And I left my suit coat on board," whined Columbus, known for having all the sensitivity of a Republican Congressman discussing women's reproductive rights.

September 25 brought more tragedy.  The Pinta was lured to an uncharted desert isle by two sirens, most of the men preferring the taller siren named Ginger but a surprising minority liking better the shorter one called Mary Ann

Once on the isle, they were jumped by a tribe of cannibal Scientologists who forced them to purchase books by L. Rob Hubbard before devouring them.  Many were in training with John Travolta when they were eaten.

"Yonder ahead!" cried the lookout on the Santa Baby on October 14.

"Is it land, mate?" hollered Columbus.  

"No, Captain, it's the end of the world."

"Oh, it's the not the end of the world, sailor. You're just having a bad day.  Things will look up tomorrow."

"No, Captain, my day's been fine.  This is the actual end of the entire world here, sir." 

Columbus thereupon turned about and gazed at the huge volumes of gushing thundering water pouring and tumbling over the sides of the Earth out into space and on into infinity.

"Who knew?" he said, shrugging his shoulders."If only I could build me a hotel and casino here, I'd never have to kiss ass for another lousy aegis again!"

Stumbling into action, Columbus barked orders to his men: "Raise the top mizzenmast! Rig the rigging! Hoist up the John B. sail, see how the main sail sets, call for the captain ashore, let me go home!"

And fortunately the Santa Baby turned about and headed home. Unfortunately for Columbus,  he  never copyrighted his orders to the crew.

"What are you going to tell them, Captain Columbus?" said the first mate.  "There's no passageway to India.  The Earth is flat! 

"Shhhh," said Columbus. "Think I'll say I found a new world with land rich for exploitation and native peoples ripe for subjugation."

"But it's a lie, Captain! How will you get away with it?"

"I'm Christopher Columbus. They'll believe any old crap I lay on 'em."

"But what happens afterwards?"

"Oh, we'll find a way to keep it going."


Know what this means, folks?

1) We are all of us just part of the "keeping it going."  And you already felt insignificant!

2) Despite his achievements, Christopher Columbus was a prick.

3) FREE PANCAKE BRUNCH ON SUNDAY!  And I'm chowing down on Philadelphia. 


N/A said...

First, Columbus was really a prick. For sure.

Second, you sir, made history more fun. However, please do not tell this tale to any children who are actually learning about US history for the first time... tell snarky adults who just want to be amused. I suggest you make this a full-length thing and publish it if you're willing to include a few zombies and a vampire. You must keep on trend.

Perry Block said...

Ah, Lady J, you warm the cockles. You thought I was going to say of my heart, but no, just the cockles.

Yes, except for the fact that Columbus was an asshole, this story is fiction. How do we know? Because if we were characters Columbus made up, we'd all have been dismembered by now. And don't worry, a vampire is coming up soon, though probably not in this story. Columbus is blood sucker enough.