Like, it's totally tubular, man!
I was hugely privileged this week to be given a tour of The Home for Outmoded and Obsolete Expressions, a sterling model for America's new breed of linguistic care facilities located in the highly non-highly Philadelphia suburb of Havertown PA.
I was hugely privileged this week to receive a tour of the Home for Obsolete and Outmoded Expressions, a sterling model for America's new breed of linguistic care facilities located in the Philadelphia suburb of Havertown.
My tour guide was none
other than the founder of the facility, eminent psychiatrist and powerful
advocate for the past tense, Dr. Elizabeth Funt.
The building itself is
nothing less than awesome! from the “Cat's Pajamas Dining Hall” to
the “Solid Ted, Enough Said Residences” to the “Fucking-A
Auditorium.” Dr. Funt explained to me how the inspiration for the facility
first came to her several years ago.
"I was browsing
in a dusty out-of-the-way bookstore, the kind that has way too many books
by Carlos Castaneda," said Dr. Funt, "when I came across the
term 23 Skiddoo in a broken-down thesaurus. It was old and alone, huddled between twenty
thousand leagues under the sea and twerp.
“I was heartbroken,
especially when I saw the way twerp was cruelly pushing it
around."
Dr. Funt knew she had
to do something and do it 23 Skiddoo! She reached out for funding
to former beatniks who were guilt-ridden over having sold out and jettisoned expressions
like Daddy O, Square, and Hepcat and established
the Home for Obsolete and Outmoded Expressions.
Appropriately, Hepcat,
Square, and the late 23 Skiddoo became its first
residents.
"Yesterday's
expressions are like fallen child stars,” Dr. Funt explained to me. "Think
of nifty and groovy as Macaulay Culkin and
David Cassidy, except without the cute haircuts and chronic drug and sex
addictions."
Strolling through the
hallways in the “Lay It on Me Living Quarters,” Dr.
Funt introduced me to residents Far Out and Right
On!, who share a room in the "Assisted Exclaiming Section". On
the day of my tour, they were both enjoying a visit from a young volunteer who
was pronouncing their names over and over in a well-studied, semi-defiant tone
of voice.
"Sure I miss the
days when I was in the mouths of every half-baked pseudo-revolutionary in the
country," said Right On! "but the lasagna here is
terrific." Far Out added that he does laps in the
Olympic-sized pool every day, ironically enough "to keep my waistline from
getting too far out!"
I was happy to learn
that many currently popular words and expressions stop by to volunteer their
time. Cool especially enjoys dropping in, no mean feat
considering its breakneck schedule in common usage throughout the world
today.
"Most of the
other words love it when Cool blows in," said Dr.
Funt, "usually in a fast car with a good-looking gerund on its l.
The day ended with an
old fashioned hootenanny in
the "Boss Ballroom." There they all were — fabled yet faded mainstays
like Tubular, Hot to Trot, Funky, and Say What? —
congregating and conjugating, mixing and modifying, and dancing and defining.
As I left, Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose! was leading
everyone in the hokey pokey, looking for all the world like a young John
Travolta.
It did my heart good
to see this wonderful new facility and the fine work being done by Dr. Funt.
And of course it was great to see all those senior expressions alert, happy,
and copacetic to the max!
I bid Dr. Funt “see
you later, alligator,” and she slipped me some skin.
How about that?
Some of the residents
are even beginning to make a comeback!
8 comments:
As a Pennsylvania resident who resides closer to Pittsburgh than Philly, I feel as though we are now mortal enemies based solely on the rivalry between the Pens and the Flyers.
Sounds like your tour went well though. I'd especially like to see the Fucking A Auditorium.
Not all that mortal. The Flyers and Penguins have the distinction of being two of the original six expansion teams in the days before hockey was so diluted that my blog is being considered for a team.
Pep rallies will be held in the Fucking A Auditorium. I don't expect we'll have capacity crowds. Thanks for writing, Adam!
I read this twice. I was sure you were fucking me with and this was an allegorical house. And then I was sure it was a real house and this woman just liked to spent money on quirky stuff and had a spark of genius. Then, I wanted a cupcake, but I controlled my urges.
This is interesting. We really do drop sayings by the wayside and move on--sometimes for the better (tubular is unfortunate, especially to my Midwestern sensibilities), sometimes for the worse (23 skidoo is silly).
Fucking A Auditorium. That is lovely. And I still say "Fucking A" to this day. :) Great post and fun idea.
Thank you, Lady J. Yes, of course I'm fucking with you! Dr. Lana Lewitzky and I love to do stuff like that.
Just seemed to me that the old and outmoded expressions had to be somewhere, I looked around, and here they be. Say, would you like to book the Fucking A Auditorium for your wedding?
You didn't happen to run into All That and a Bag of Chips while you were there, did you? I'm owed some money. I'd like to have your enforcer collect it for me and you can keep that as payment for the stolen tweet. It's a win/win.
Sadly All That and a Bag of Chips is in the old thesaurus having the shit kicked out of him by algorithm. Sad, but not every old expression can be saved. Even my enforcer is afraid of algorithm.
I think there's an empty room reserved for Bite Me somewhere in this nursing home for worn out adages.
Reserved but not yet occupied. Bite Me is still in the prime of life.
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