Like, it's totally tubular, man!
I was hugely privileged this week to be given a tour of The Home for Outmoded and Obsolete Expressions, a sterling model for America's new breed of linguistic care facilities located in the highly non-highly Philadelphia suburb of Havertown PA. My tour guide was none other than the founder of the facility, eminent psychiatrist and powerful Advocate for the Past Tense, Dr. Lana Lewitzky.
"I was browsing in an dusty out-of-the-way bookstore, the kind of place which low-balls its trade-in values and has too many books by Carlos Castaneda," said Dr. Lewitzky, "when I came across 23 Skidoo in a broken down thesaurus, old and alone, huddled between twenty thousand leagues under the sea and twerp. I was heart-broken, especially when I saw the way twerp was pushing it around."
Dr. Lewitzky knew she had to do something and do it 23 Skidoo! She reached out for funding to former hipsters guilt-ridden over having sold out and unceremoniously dumped expressions like Daddy O, square, and hepcat and established the Home for Outmoded and Obsolete Expressions in 2007. True to form, hepcat, square, and the late 23 Skidoo became its first residents.
"Yesterdays expressions are like fallen child stars," Dr. Lewitzky explained to me. "Think of nifty and jinkies as Macaulay Culkin and David Cassidy, except without the cute haircuts and chronic drug and sex addictions."
"Sure I miss my days in the mouths of every half-baked pseudo-revolutionary in the country," said Right On!, "but the lasagna here is terrific." Far Out added that he does laps in the Olympic sized pool every day, ironically enough "to keep my waistline from getting too far out!"
I was happy to learn that many currently popular words and expressions come by to volunteer their time. Cool especially enjoys dropping in, no mean feat considering its dizzying breakneck schedule in common usage throughout the world today. "Most of the other words love it when Cool blows in," said Dr. Lewitzky, "usually in a fast car with a good looking gerund on its l. Except for Groovy, that is, in whom I sense a certain bitterness. I've noticed Groovy steadfastly refuses to eat the Yankee Pot Roast Awesome occasionally drops off as well."
The day ended with an old fashioned hootenanny in the Fucking A Auditorium. There they all were --- fabled yet faded mainstays like tubular, Slap Me Some Skin, Say What?, keen, and even good old nifty --- all congregating and conjugating, mixing and modifying, and dancing and defining to beat the band, who was also there. As I left, Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose! was leading everyone in the hokey pokey, looking for all the world like John Travolta.
It did my heart good to see this wonderful new facility and the fine work being done by Dr. Lewitzky. And of course, it was great to see all those old expressions once again, expressions which by and large I remember using back in the day.
Wait a minute! Expressions which I totally remember using way back in the ....
Oh, shit. See you later, alligator!