Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The Royal Baby Speaks
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just received some amazing news about the the newly arrived Royal Baby, the son of Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton. The as yet unnamed Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne, has incredibly been born with the power of speech! This is Anderson Cooper of CNN --- the Certainly Not the News Network --- speaking to you exclusively from just outside of Princess Kate's vagina!"
"Royal Baby, Royal Baby, can you hear me?"
"Royal Baby, can you hear me?""
"You talking to me?
"YES, ROY-AL BA-BY! I WANT-ED TO ASK YOU ..."
"You don't have to shout. I just wanted to make sure you weren't talking to some evil twin popping out right behind me."
"So you are able to hear all right?"
"Yeah, pretty much all the amniotic fluid has drained out of my ears. Wouldn't hurt if you had a Q-tip though."
"Tell me, Royal Baby, do you have anything to say to the world?"
"Well, two things come to mind --- antiquated and unnecessary."
"What does that mean?"
"Beats me. I was hoping you knew.
"Royal Baby, how are you feeling?"
"I'm a baby, Mr. Cooper. I have no frame of reference."
"Of course. Now that you've been born, Royal Baby, anything you feel like doing?"
"Yes, there is, but I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you."
"Go ahead. I'm Anderson Cooper of CNN. You have to tell me!"
"Well, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything."
"Again, I'm Anderson Cooper, Royal Baby."
"Well, I feel like sucking on a woman's breasts. Weird, huh?"
"No, perfectly normal. You may feel like doing that for the better part of your life."
"OH, THANK GOD!"
"Royal Baby, do you know who you are?"
"From all the attention I've been getting, I think maybe I'm Kim Kardashian's kid. Either that or I just married Justin Bieber."
"No, Royal Baby. You are the Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne. One day you will be nothing less than the King of England!"
"Is that as good as being a Kardashian?"
"So if I get to be the king, I'm going to rule a mighty nation? Wage war, ensure peace, decide the fates of my countrymen? Go on Crusades, sign the Magna Carta, order the sea to retreat before me, marry a lot of chicks named Catherine?"
"No, pretty much you'll be playing polo and going on vacations where paparazzi will attempt to take pictures of your mother's breasts with telescoping cameras."
"There's that breast thing again! Doesn't sound like I'll have much to do."
"Well, you're going to be the subject of the world's curiosity. All eyes will be upon everything you do for the rest of your life."
"Don't I ever get any privacy?"
"If you want privacy, you might try getting yourself a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network or hanging out with Chevy Chase."
"Say, what's this white stalk-like thing sticking out of my stomach?"
"That's what left of your umbilical cord, Royal Baby. It's vestigial now, no longer serves a purpose."
"Gee, that reminds me of those words antiquated and unnecessary again. Not sure why."
"Royal Baby, do you have a preference for the name you will ultimately be given?"
"Well, I've always been partial to the name Mohammed."
"You may want to pick out a second best. Finally, Royal Baby, anything else you'd like to say to the peoples of the world?"
"Yes, there is."
"That damn scrawl at the bottom of the screen is really annoying!"