Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Royal Baby Speaks

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just received some amazing news about the the newly arrived  Royal Baby, the son of Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton.  The as yet unnamed Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne,  has incredibly been born with the power of speech!  This is Anderson Cooper of CNN --- the Certainly Not the News Network --- speaking to you exclusively  from just outside of Princess Kate's vagina!"

"Royal Baby, Royal Baby, can you hear me?"


"Royal Baby, can you hear me?""

"You talking to me?


"You don't have to shout. I just wanted to make sure  you weren't talking to some evil twin popping out right behind me."

"So you are able to hear all right?"

"Yeah, pretty much all the amniotic fluid has drained out of my ears. Wouldn't hurt if you had a Q-tip though." 

"Tell me, Royal Baby, do  you  have anything to say to the world?"

"Well, two things come to mind --- antiquated and unnecessary."

"What does that mean?"

"Beats me.  I was hoping you knew.

"Royal Baby, how are you feeling?"

"I'm a baby, Mr. Cooper.  I have no frame of reference."

"Of course.  Now that you've been born, Royal Baby, anything you feel like doing?"

"Yes, there is, but I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you."

"Go ahead.  I'm Anderson Cooper of CNN.  You have to tell me!"

"Well, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything."

"Again, I'm Anderson Cooper, Royal Baby."

"Well, I feel like sucking on a woman's breasts.  Weird, huh?"

"No, perfectly normal. You may feel like doing that for the better part of your life."


"Royal Baby, do you know who you are?"

"From all the  attention I've been getting, I think maybe I'm Kim Kardashian's kid.  Either that or I just married Justin Bieber." 

"No, Royal Baby.  You are the Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne.  One day you will be nothing less than the King of England!"

"Is that as good as being a Kardashian?"


"So if I get to be the king, I'm going to rule a mighty nation?  Wage war, ensure peace, decide the fates of my countrymen?  Go on Crusades, sign the Magna Carta,  order the sea to retreat before me, marry a lot of chicks named Catherine?"

"No, pretty much you'll be playing polo and going on vacations where paparazzi will attempt to take pictures of your mother's breasts with telescoping cameras."

"There's that breast thing again!  Doesn't sound like I'll have much to do."

"Well, you're going to be the subject of the world's curiosity.  All eyes will be upon everything you do for the rest of your life."

"Don't I ever get any privacy?"

"If you want privacy, you might try getting yourself a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network or hanging out with Chevy Chase." 

"Say, what's this white stalk-like thing sticking out of my stomach?"

"That's what left of your umbilical cord, Royal Baby.  It's vestigial now, no longer serves a purpose."

"Gee, that reminds me of those words antiquated and unnecessary again. Not sure why." 

"Royal Baby, do you have a preference for the name you will ultimately be given?"

"Well, I've always been partial to the name Mohammed." 

"You may want to pick out a second best.  Finally, Royal Baby, anything else you'd like to say to the peoples of the world?"

"Yes, there is." 

"What's that?"

"That damn scrawl at the bottom of the screen is really annoying!"



Beth said...

You're a nut. And to think I considered marrying you. Lol. I love Anderson Cooper. Come on. :(

Funny stuff, as always. Loved the Oprah reference and the Q-tip remark, however I'm eating. Was eating.

Russell said...

Wow, Perry I'm impressed. Not with the story, but with Beth's confession that she considered marrying you. She's a very beautiful and talented woman. Thankfully, she came to her senses before it was too late.

If things get tough in Britain, the kid could always get a side job at Burger King.

Anonymous said...

It's quite amazing hold fast things become obsolete. This is SO...this morning....

But despite that, it's one of the best pieces of real news I've heard about this entire matter.

And to think that Beth almost married you. GO PERRY!!!

Perry Block said...

Forget about Anderson Cooper, Beth; you have a much better shot with me!

Perry Block said...

Don't be too sure about Beth coming to her senses, Russell. If this post got her attention, wait til I woo her with my Jewish vampire stuff!

Hmm, have the kid working for Burger King ... that's an idea!

Perry Block said...

I'm glad somebody wished me well with Beth. I sure hope you're not some psychopath, Anonymous!

Anyway, even if you are, I appreciate the moral support.

Perry Block said...

Damn it, they would name the kid today, making my bit obsolete!

Those royals have no sense of timing.

Beth said...

I once said if Anderson Cooper weren't gay and if I weren't married, we'd be together. I love that guy.

Beth said...

My, my. Glad I stopped back by today. I see I should be signing up for Google alerts. But then again, I don't want to make Google yawn.

Russell, you are a sweet, sweet man--beautiful and talented?! Please go on. KIDDING!!! Thank you and LOL about the Burger King job!!!

Perry, Jewish vampire stuff? I always did love red.

Beth said...

We've got quite the rumor started, don't we, Perry?

Who are you anonymous?! I hope you're not a psychopath either. Had enough of those types.

Perry Block said...

True, Beth. I also got a nice supportive note on the internet from Anthony Weiner. Not a good sign!