Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Liquor Drunk, The Prodigals Return

Steady nerves and a natural high;
Yeah right, HELP ME!!!

It's been  about a week now since I returned from vacation with Brandon in Costa Rica a bit sun-burned, a lot constipated, and a whole bunch poorer.

I had a good time.  Meaning I was not eaten by a sloth.

In fact, my fears of the dangers of the feral and wild rain forests down in Central America proved to be as exaggerated and ill-founded as my fears of performing The Cadet's Review at my fourth grade piano recital, except that while I was similarly not devoured by an enormous iguana at my fourth grade piano recital,  I did fuck up The Cadet's Review

As for the trip,  however, things went so well I'm finding it difficult figuring out how to write something negative, whiny,  and self-deprecating about the whole experience.   But I will do so in time, you can count on that.  

In the meanwhile,  here's a list of 

 Awful Things That Could Have Happened During our Trip to Costa Rica But Did Not:

1) We did not miss our connecting flight between Philadelphia and San Jose CR causing us to remain overnight  in Charlotte NC.  I don't like spending time in places named after women because I always think the entire populace will reject me.

2) The driver who greeted us upon our arrival in Tortuguero was not a venomous pit viper disguised with a false mustache.  Or a tarantula with a unconvincing monocle.

3)  After we swam at the base of the La Fortuna Waterfall, we did not find out that an  incontinent giant lives just above the rocky crags. 

 4) Sure, he's cute, but I'm reasonably certain the charity to help him emigrate to Israel was a scam.   So I gave lightly...

5) The famous volcano at Arenal did not erupt while we were kayaking on Lake Arenal due to the recent sacrifice of a virgin, the selection of which was thankfully and fortunately completed  just before I stepped off the plane in my Phillies cap, Bermuda shorts, and Paul McCartney London Olympics XXX T-shirt.

6) When I informed the guide about to accompany me on the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde that I was somewhat concerned about the enterprise because I tend to have fear of heights, he did not say


7) The bar at the very top of the mountain where there begins the first of the ten runs of the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde was not out of rum.

8) People who know me in Philadelphia far from the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde do not have the auditory capability to hear highly drunken yet still frantic screaming, cursing, and pleading with God for mercy emanating from those very thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde. 

9) The picture below is not an aerial shot of the beach in front of our discount hotel at Manuel Antonio. 

10)  Brandon did not have to sit around bored and restless while the old man successfully pursued two hot babes we encountered from Italy and Spain (heh-heh)  mainly because I,  damn it,  had to sit around bored and restless while Brandon successfully pursued two hot babes we encountered (each one age 17, so I wasn't in the running)  from Italy and Spain. 

Hell, I couldn't even get into the room in Manuel Antonio half the time.

No wonder I'm still constipated. 

More later. 

Hey ... anything going on in politics lately?


The Arenal Volcano
Hmm ... looks like it's kinda enjoying that virgin. 


Piper Bayard said...

LOL. So glad you did not fall in that volcano while you were there. Sounds like you had a great trip. Thanks for sharing. :)

Marian Allen said...

THAT was a hot babe!

Marian Allen
Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

Perry Block said...

It's true. This was one of the very few vacations I've ever taken where I didn't fall into a volcano.

I just hate when it happens in Baltimore. Ruins everything!

Thanks for writing, Piper.

Perry Block said...

Yep, sure must have been.

And you can certainly understand what she saw in the volcano!

I don't want to pursue this further, for obvious reasons. Thanks, Marian!

Perry Block said...

Having now done it, I will try very hard NOT to find it wherever I travel.

We did truly love the trip, however, and especially enjoyed swimming beneath the waterfall in Arenal.

Thanks for writing, Libby. Hey, maybe sometime we can zip line together...

LifesizeLD said...

Ha! Sorry to hear you didn't have a more neurotic time, Perry - but I'm sure you'll find some good material someplace else. Sooner or later something's gotta go wrong, right?

Perry Block said...

Yep, you just can't keep a down man up.

That's kind of my motto. One of them anyway.

Thanks, Lynn, and "Go, Spidey, Go!"