Are you ready for the country?Just one more day and I'm off with son Brandon to the Central American nation paradise known as Costa Rica!
Am I ready in body, mind, and spirit? Well, frankly I'm about as ready as Snooki is to star in a West End production of Coriolanus.
I've not been on vacation for five years. My bathing suits have cuffs. My suitcase is so old it doesn't even have wheels despite the fact that wheels had already been invented when I bought it. I haven't been on a plane since the movie they were showing was National Treasure. Even Nicholas Cage makes fun of that.
So it's time at last to get my act together because I'm taking it on the road. And it's a pretty long road, with a stopover in Charlotte North Carolina to boot.
First, I need to attend to my toiletries. I require medication for nausea, constipation, diarrhea, malaria, weltschmerz, performance anxiety (in my case, anxiety that I'll never get the opportunity to perform), and fear of being seated next to Ted Nugent.
I must also pack an extra pair of contact lenses and all the various shampoos, conditioners, root lifters, and other Hair Helper products I use to create the illusion of hair in gullible people. Through a mix of prescription and over-the-counter drugs and various and sundry sundries, I will become a flying Rite-Aid. All that's missing is a flying pharmacist.
Then, there's the matter of clothing. Virtually everything you wear has to be sprayed with something called DEET to protect it from being dive-bombed by Costa Rican insects the size of Kirstie Alley. It is important to follow the instructions on the can label which warn you to never EVER let the spray contact your skin or you will rapidly dissolve like Nosferatu touched by the first rays of early morning sunlight. Curiously enough, nothing on the label promises that it will work half as well on the big ass bugs seeking to establish military beachheads on your butt.
To protect the top of my head from burning like the most resolute and unrepentant sinner in a painting by Hieronymous Bosch, I'll also need a floppy broad-brimmed hat and a boldly colorful bandanna. Coupled with the new sunglasses I bought several weeks ago, I'm sure to strike the image of the far and away least cool 60 plus year old rock star ever to be written up in Wikipedia.
Finally there's the experience of a Central America sojourn itself. Just imagine: Me - someone who feels like he's returned to the state of nature whenever I have to fetch a wiffle ball out of the neighbor's azaleas - communing with over 10,000 indigenous species of flora and fauna in the rain forests of Costa Rica.
I'm actually pretty cool with respect to virtually all of that flora and fauna except for two types of fauna you may have heard something less than favorable about over the years known as crocodiles and snakes. Fortunately the guidebooks all say that visitors to Costa Rica should be just fine as long as they avoid those areas in Costa Rica in which crocodiles and snakes are known to congregate, those areas being more specifically described as Costa Rica.
Luckily my friend Carrie Bailey, a wise and experienced world traveler, has been helping me to overcome these anxieties. Carrie provides the kind of tough love that makes me want to work diligently to oust my fears despite the fact that my efforts to use our time together towards maneuvering her into bed have proven totally fruitless. Thanks to Carrie's wise ministrations, crocodiles and snakes will not give me to dread just as long as screaming aloud remains prominent on the itinerary.
And so, I bid adieu to my loyal readership (I believe your name is George) for just a little while.
One more thing: I'd very much like to bring you all something back from Costa Rica. If you think of it, please tweet me your T-shirt size. I probably won't buy you one, but I'll be very excited thinking about the T-shirt sizes of my women followers when I'm on the plane.
Okay, have a good couple of weeks.
I guess I'm ready ....
Yep! I'm ready!
We will miss you, Perry. George and I will have to settle for re-reading your old posts while you're gone.
Thank you, Winonah. Miss you too.
But don't you dare get anything together with George while I'm gone!
He's fictional anyway. A lot hotter and more fun than me, but fictional nonetheless.
I'm already dating George. That's why he's reading your blog, Perry :). Tweeting my T-shirt size right now...
Seriously Winnie, you've stolen Perry and George from me? Sheesh.
Isn't there a song with lyrics, "I learned to drink my liquor, way down in Costa Ricker..." Lalalala. Maybe not.
Costa Rica is seething with spiders, but you are exceptionally unlikely to get bitten. They really only come out looking for spidery love.
Anyway, sure, bring me a tee shirt. One size fits all.
I am not George, but I am absolutely thrilled you are about to vacate (is that a verb?) I guess I mean: I am full of Joy that you are going on an exotic-sounding vacation (I'm jealous, too, but not really; you deserve a fabulous get-away).
Your list of Tropical Paradise adventure-necessary accoutrements seems excessive. Please simply stay covered, but cool. You are very sweet, so yes, I am certain the foreign, aircraft-sized buggies shall attempt assault, but you will be well-prepared.
I heard somebody say that the most vicious serpents run, screaming, at the blinding glare of bright colors, so I imagine you shall be alright in that area. Please take a hugely deep breath, Perry, and remind yourself: A Moment at a time...a step at a time, until you find yourself in a conga line, every inhibition a piece of another man's history. ENJOY!!!!
As for "missing,"...I always miss you, Perry, when I haven't read you or "seen" you..I shall have you in Heart and Mind. I wear a size small in women's tees, as I am now back to wearing the size I wore in 2000! :) You needn't get me one, however, or Gift me anything - your literally kind Gifts suffice to cement me as your Friend ForEver! (However, I would not *mind* a tee.) :)
pps I am completely fluent in Spanish-language communication, so perhaps you might wish to take me along (unless, of course, you or your son already knows enough to wittily wind your ways to alcohol, restrooms, women, etc...
Have a most delightful time, Friend!
Peace & Smiles, CherylFaith <3
ps I'm sorry I wrote so much. Please delete me or abridge me, Perry! eek!
I want George. You can have Perry.
Carrie and Winnie think they're making me jealous by talking about George as if he's real and as if they prefer him to me, but I'm on to them.
I made him up, after all.
Gee, it's fun commenting on my own pathetic life like this.
Let's see what these two have cooked up next.
So Carrie says she's already dating George, that's a laugh. Because he doesn't actually ...
OMG, do you think she actually does prefer a non-existent boyfriend to me?! Do you think Carrie and George are sitting together RIGHT NOW reading my blog and laughing at all the parts that aren't supposed to be funny?!!
As if her t-shirt size is supposed to make everything all right!
Well, actually that is a pretty decent size, it does help ...
The song is actually "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker, you can drink all the liquor down in Costa Rica, ain't nobody's business but my own."
To hear the whole thing, click the first "Costa Rica" link above and then click back one more link to the post in which Brandon first conned me into this trip some months ago.
And as for "seething spiders," Marisa, you're getting as bad as Winonah and Carrie! None of you are getting t-shirts!
For George and anybody else who might occasionally read the comments to this blog, you have just met an incredible force of poetic nature.
I couldn't begin and would never presume to provide commentary on the thought processes of Cheryl Faith, as they exist in a unique and special realm of being to which I have never traveled outside of a few random experiences in the early 70's.
Thank you for your wishes, Cheryl, and for being such a beautiful soul.
However, you're not getting a t-shirt either. But you came the closest.
No, never feel that way, Cheryl.
Maybe your poetical rhapsodizing will inspire some of my other commenters whose most typical missives lean more towards "this sucked, moron!" than your soulful evocations.
Of course, even if you are also actually saying "this sucked, moron!," you say it so beautifully, I'm glad it did.
That was funny, Perry! Have a fun and safe trip! Don't forget to look down at all times.
Don't forget to look down?
I don't expect to be able to look back up until about mid-October!
Thanks for writing, Gary.
Have a nice time and don't kill any harmless Costa Rican spiders while you are there.
Right now I have a house spider called Speedy who lives in the airing cupboard behind the crack at the end of my bath. He comes and sits on the edge of the bath now and then for a change of scenery. You'd like him.
I'll expect pictures when you get back, Perry.
Just so long as they´re not of me.
Please refrain from translating my words to you to, "This sucked, you moron!" as I would never consider saying such words to you...or even thinking them!!! I read very little comedy - indeed, I "get" very little comedy...I am way too serious, I think...But *you,* Mr. Perry - *you* make me laugh.
eeek! I just read the other Words you wrote, the non-comedic Words...I am, quite honestly, in tears. How beautiful. Thank you, Friend, from my deepest Heart. Wow...
I'm kind of concerned if I went into my deepest heart there might little more than a couple of rusted coffee cans and a "Win with Wilkie" button.
But I mean the words I say about you, Cheryl. Thanks for your support and friendship!
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