The Costa Rica Casanova

Watch out, Hotties: 
Here Comes the Costa Rica Casanova!

When my 17 year old son Brandon and I left for vacation in Costa Rica last August, I was quite explicit with him about what might happen during the 11 days ahead. 

"Brandon," said I "we're going to have great father-son bonding during this trip, but there will be occasions I may seek out the company of a woman or two."

"I understand, Dad," offered Brandon.  "On trips like this there's always women 58 years old or more, kinda desperate, looking for ...."

"No, no, no, Brandon! I've still got it for the babes! And if something should happen, well, there may be a few times you'll have to fend for yourself."

"Got it, Dad," replied Bran. "I'll be cool."

Our first stop was Tortuguero on the Caribbean coast. This place isn't just off the beaten path,  it's off the beaten lagoon.  You get there via a long bumpy drive to an even longer boat ride up an Amazon-like river, and when you finally get there, the there you get to is a scenic but highly remote collection of smallish villages and hotels along a very rustic waterway.

"Very Apocalypse Now, Bran, don't you think?" I remarked as I began stumbling off the boat.

But Brandon wasn't there.  I saw him off a ways down the dock,  talking to an affluent-looking family consisting of mother, father, young  brother, and smoking hot brown-haired teen-aged daughter!

I completed stumbling into the arms of the hotel greeting party consisting of the hotel manager and a couple of irate iguanas. "They're from Spain," Brandon said as he ran over to me, "and the daughter Claudia is just my age!"

That night Brandon and I went on a Turtle Nesting Tour, a very special experience  in which one gets to view a 300 pound Green Sea Turtle climb up on the Caribbean Sea beach, lay hundreds of eggs, and skedaddle back into the sea before being eaten by a 350 pound Green Sea Turtle predator.  

"This may be the closest I get to nesting this entire trip," I began to realize sadly.

"How do you say in Spanish 'Would you like dinner tonight?' " Brandon asked the turtle tour guide.

The next evening I enjoyed an authentic Costa Rican dinner alone in my television-less,  air conditioning-less  lizard-enriched hotel room followed by a stroll to the hotel bar,  which had closed at 8:00 P.M.  

Very Apocalypse Now.  Very little nesting. 

"Sorry, Dad," said Brandon as we next morning boarded the boat to begin chugging our way out of Tortuguero, "but we'll do lots more together now!"  

And during the next few days we did indeed manage some fine bonding experiences --- kayaking, zip lining,  swimming in a waterfall ---  all sandwiched in though they were among Brandon's  numerous and varied interactions with diverse folks from locales around the world, many of whom were of the young and female persuasions.  

I on the other hand proved to be about as popular in Costa Rica as a Donald Trump press conference announcing plans to build a 1,ooo room hotel and casino in the center of the Arenal Rainforest. Finally in our next to last stop in Monteverde I did manage to connect with a couple of sisters from Cincinnati who regaled me at length with tales of quilting during the Roosevelt Administration, although  I'm not sure which of the two such named Administrations they were actually referring to.

Our last port of call was the lovely beach resort of Manuel Antonio on the western Pacific coast.  It's loveliness for me, however, was somewhat marred by my being laid low by  a travel malady I am sometimes prone to which is known in technical medical circles as "I'd Sell My Soul to the Devil for a Poop!"

"Brandon," I said,  turning my head slightly as we sat as one of the resort's three pools, "think I'll go take a walk and try to..."

But Brandon wasn't there.  I saw him a few deck chairs down sitting shoulder to shoulder with a smoking hot blonde teen-aged daughter! (of someone)

"Go right ahead, Dad, I'm fine here."

I walked the grounds, swam in each of  the resort's two other swimming pools, gritted my teeth like Kirk Douglas in Lust for Life, and finally, when a long awaited sense of opportunity presented itself, returned to the room.

"Dad!!!  Umm, can you come back another time?"

"No, I can't!  For a couple of reasons,  the main one of which is: 

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

Afterwards, Brandon and the young woman,  one Lucia from Italy, mostly hung out at the pool or at the beach. I mostly hung out in the bathroom.

"Know what I liked best about Costa Rica, Dad?"  Brandon said as we settled in on the first of our two flights back home.

"I'm not sure, but I'd guess it was either Italy or Spain?"

"Nah, neither of those.  It was the things we did together, whenever we could."

Well, if I can't be the Costa Rica Casanova myself,  at least I'm happy I was able to bond with the genuine article.

And better still,  to get to live vicariously through him as well ....  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the Costa Rican sex I can handle!

The Liquor Drunk, The Prodigals Return

Steady nerves and a natural high;

Yeah right, HELP ME!!!

It's been  about a week now since I returned from vacation with Brandon in Costa Rica a bit sun-burned, a lot constipated, and a whole bunch poorer.

I had a good time.  Meaning I was not eaten by a sloth.

In fact, my fears of the dangers of the feral and wild rain forests down in Central America proved to be as exaggerated and ill-founded as my fears of performing The Cadet's Review at my fourth grade piano recital, except that while I was similarly not devoured by an enormous iguana at my fourth grade piano recital,  I did fuck up The Cadet's Review. 

As for the trip,  however, things went so well I'm finding it difficult figuring out how to write something negative, whiny,  and self-deprecating about the whole experience.   But I will do so in time, you can count on that.  

In the meanwhile,  here's a list of 

 Awful Things That Could Have Happened During our Trip to Costa Rica But Did Not:

1) We did not miss our connecting flight between Philadelphia and San Jose CR causing us to remain overnight  in Charlotte NC.  I don't like spending time in places named after women because I always think the entire populace will reject me.

2) The driver who greeted us upon our arrival in Tortuguero was not a venomous pit viper disguised with a false mustache.  Or a tarantula with a unconvincing monocle.

3)  After we swam at the base of the La Fortuna Waterfall, we did not find out that an  incontinent giant lives just above the rocky crags. 

 4) Sure, he's cute, but I'm reasonably certain the charity to help him emigrate to Israel was a scam.   So I gave lightly...

5) The famous volcano at Arenal did not erupt while we were kayaking on Lake Arenal due to the recent sacrifice of a virgin, the selection of which was thankfully and fortunately completed  just before I stepped off the plane in my Phillies cap, Bermuda shorts, and Paul McCartney London Olympics XXX T-shirt.

6) When I informed the guide about to accompany me on the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde that I was somewhat concerned about the enterprise because I tend to have fear of heights, he did not say

"YOU THINK YOU HAVE FEAR OF HEIGHTS??!!!" 

7) The bar at the very top of the mountain where there begins the first of the ten runs of the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde was not out of rum.

8) People who know me in Philadelphia far from the zip lining excursion which transports you at high speeds on a very thin wire thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde do not have the auditory capability to hear highly drunken yet still frantic screaming, cursing, and pleading with God for mercy emanating from those very thousands of feet above the cloud forests of Monteverde. 

9) The picture below is not an aerial shot of the beach in front of our discount hotel at Manuel Antonio. 

10)  Brandon did not have to sit around bored and restless while the old man successfully pursued two hot babes we encountered from Italy and Spain (heh-heh)  mainly because I,  damn it,  had to sit around bored and restless while Brandon successfully pursued two hot babes we encountered (each one age 17, so I wasn't in the running)  from Italy and Spain. 

Hell, I couldn't even get into the room in Manuel Antonio half the time.

No wonder I'm still constipated. 

More later. 

Hey ... anything going on in politics lately?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Arenal Volcano

Hmm ... looks like it's kinda enjoying that virgin. 

You Can Drink All the Liquor, Part II

 "Umm, I dunno.  Maybe we should reconsider ..."

"Okay, Brandon," I said, "it's settled! We're going to Tortuguero, Arenal, Monteverde, and Manuel Antonio, and that's set in stone, dude!"

"Great, Dad!" replied Brandon.  "It's ... umm .... been set in stone for over three months.  Why do we have to go over this again?"

"Because, Brandon, it isn't every day we go to Costa Rica, and we have to plan carefully." 

I might have added also it's because I am totally neurotic about almost any new experience except changing my socks, but some things pretty much go without saying. 

"There's many decisions about the trip," I pointed out to Bran, "that we've yet to make." 

"Like what, Dad?  We've picked the hotels, changed them two or three times, picked them again, re-routed our itinerary, temporarily considered Disneyworld as an alternative at your urging because the snakes there are animatronic, and booked  mini-golf in Monteverde with full deposit paid."   

"Oh, yeah?" I shot back. "We haven't yet selected where to have breakfast on Day 2 in Tortugero!"

"Dad, can't we leave breakfast to chance a couple of days?"

"Need I remind you, wiseguy, you said the same thing about picking the right gift shop for postcards at the airport!"

Now I don't know if many of you've had the opportunity to plan overseas travel, but it can get a bit complicated.  It does, however, provide a great opportunity to experience what it must be like to plan a Royal Wedding assuming you're never going to get a shot at sitting next to the Queen and actually writing out seating arrangements for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles yourself. 

Putting together a trip to a place like Costa Rica presents a classic case of TMI --- there's guidebooks, websites, videos on You-Tube, Facebook pages, forums, Great Events in Costa Rican History Connect-A-Dots, and a "Help Explorer Sam Find his Way to Tortuguero Without Being Eaten Alive," which no matter how often I try always winds me up inside the volcano in Arenal. We've been through two travel agencies, three tour operators, and multiple conversations with friends and acquaintances who've been to Costa Rica, including two doctors, a musical conductor, and two random people on Twitter who may well be psychopaths for all I know.   

"BTW, Brandon, I was checking Frommer's guide last night," I said, "and we may want to reconsider the hotel in Manuel Antonio."

"Why?  We already reconsidered it three or four times."

"Frommer thinks the wake-up service runs a good two to three minutes slow.  But, to be fair, Mr. and Mrs. Lance Fairchild from Ohio noted on the "Costa Rica-WOW!"  travel forum that they have among the best chocolate chip cookies on check-in in the entire Central Pacific Region!"

"Dad, I think the hotel will be fine.  Can we move on?"

"I'm not so sure.  I think we should get on Skype to the tour company and ask a few more questions."

"Dad, you've asked more questions over the past few months than somebody who put their life savings into the Facebook IPO.  And besides, some of your questions are kind of embarrassing."  

"Like what?"

"Like:  Are the alligators in Costa Rica anti-Semitic?"

I guess maybe Brandon's right after all.  Frankly, with all this excessive planning,  sometimes I'm starting to feel like we've already been to Costa Rica and back!

"All right, then, Bran,"  said I.  "We're finally done.  We're set in stone!"  

That is, almost. 

There's one more gift shop in the San Jose Airport whose post card selection I gotta check out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~