Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Potter Strikes Back!

"And days of Auld Lang ...."  Wait a minute!  Clarence, is that you?  
Well, why didn't you try them on first?

In the grand traditions of Return to Casablanca - But Not for the Waters, Flying Monkeys in the Mist,  Part I and  Part II, and The Maltese Birth Certificate, I am pleased to present Potter Strikes Back!, the first wholly unauthorized and probably blasphemous re-make of It's a Wonderful Life!

Desecrating this classic did not come easy.  For one, I hated to do it to the legendary James Stewart, one of the greatest stars and screen presences in the history of motion pictures. But  if I can mess with Bogey and Judy Garland, I can mess with him too! 

Many of you also remember a few years back when It's a Wonderful Life was on every channel all through the day and night during the Christmas season,  and you could literally click the remote to repeat a scene you'd just watched seconds before on eight other channels.

Frankly I know far more about this movie than I do about my own life, and most of the people in it are better looking too.

But parody I must.  If you don't like it .... well ....  you may enjoy instead fantasizing about how much better the world would be if I had never been born! 

 I know I do.

As the scene opens we hear prayers for George Bailey coming from the picturesque but back water town of Bedford Falls.

Various Prayers:   George is a good guy, Lord.  Please do something for him!  After you come through with my golf clubs! 

George is the nicest, kindest, most deserving man I've ever known!  But I realize you're tied up helping NFL players score touchdowns, so don't bother yourself. 

Please help George Bailey, Lord!  He's such a good guy!  I pray to thee .... wait a minute, what the hell am I doing?  I'm Richard Dawkins!

Now we see two stars twinkling in the night sky.

Angel Joseph Clarence  Oddbody,  Angel 2nd Class,  I've called for you here because tonight George Bailey is about to give up God's most precious gift!

Clarence:  Philadelphia Phillies season tickets?  

Joseph:  No!  LIFE, you idiot!  No wonder you've been around so long Moses calls you "Pops" and you still don't have your wings! 

Clarence:  Well, "Life" was going to be my second guess ...

Joseph:  We're going to the town of Bedford Falls, Clarence.  You're about to watch the life of George Bailey and then serve as his guardian angel.  Do a good job and you'll get your wings. Any questions?

Clarence:  Can I get me some popcorn?

The scene shifts to Bedford Falls and children playing on a frozen pond.

Joseph:  Now watch what happens here, Clarence, this is important.   As children, George's brother Harry breaks through the ice and almost drowns, but George manages to save him!

Clarence:  Well, that's a very good thing!

Joseph:  Not that big a deal.  Spiderman was on his way.  

 ClarenceSpidey?!  I'd like to meet him!

 Joseph:  Put away that autograph book, you moron!  Also, George loses hearing in one ear as a result of this.  You can call him the most obscene names in that ear and he can't hear you. Try it some time!  It's fun!

 The scene shifts.

Clarence: Now what have we here? 

Joseph:  George is about 12 and working in a drugstore for a Mr. Gower. Those two  young girls at the counter are Mary Hatch and Violet Bick.

Violet:  I like him!

Mary: You like every boy!  That's why you're 10 years old and dating Ernest Borgnine!

 As George leans over, Mary says in his bad ear....

Mary:  George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die.  Or at least until  I start menstruating!

Clarence: What's this?  Gower's made a mistake with a prescription?

Joseph:  Not a mistake. Old man Gower has filled a prescription with an expensive brand name drug instead of a readily available generic, thereby netting extra profit for the drug company, the supplier, and himself. 

Clarence:  And George  goes to ask his father at the Bailey Brothers Savings and Loan if that's ethical.  Who's that glum-looking bald  guy in the wheelchair talking to Mr. Bailey who looks like Lionel Barrymore?

Joseph: That's Mr. Potter, the meanest man in town!  Also sells Amway in his spare time.

Potter:  Mr. Bailey, you've got to foreclose! Are you running a business or a charity ward?  And by the way, need any laundry detergent?  Or cleanser?

Young George:   You can't talk to my father like that!   But, Dad, we probably could use some cleanser!

Joseph: Well, Clarence, you see how it is.  Peter Bailey and his lovable but "so dumb he owns the Cliff's Notes to Goodnight Moon" brother Uncle Billy were just no match in business for the tough-minded Mr. Potter. Think of Mr. Potter as Donald Trump with his hair caught in an up-draft!

Clarence:  But what's happening with George and Mr. Gower back at the drug store? 

Mr. Gower: (slapping GeorgeYou didn't deliver these pills?!   Mrs. Katz is a hyponchondriac and our best customer!

Young George: (tearing up)  You put something wrong in those capsules, Mr. Gower!  You unintentionally filled them with a brand name drug instead of a readily available generic.  You accidentally screwed poor old Mrs. Katz and benefited yourself and everyone else up the supply chain!

Mr. Gower:  (now really angry, slapping the crap out of George!)  What do you want to do to me, cost me my my excess profits and my sleazy kickbacks from the drug company? What a  goody two-shoes loser you are!

Joseph: Enough heart-warming sentiment for now.  We're going to jump ahead in time, Clarence, hope you've taken some dramamine!

George is now in his 20's and about to set off to see the world!

 I wish I had a million dollars!  Hot Dog!  And by "hot dog," I don't wanna brag, but I think I have a little something to offer the women of the world!

Joseph: There's George on the street with his two friends, Bert the cop and Ernie the cab driver.

Bert: (very upbeat) Have a wonderful time traveling the world, George!  And thanks for leaving Violet Bick  a-l-l-l-l to us!

Ernie: Here's Violet right now!

Violet:  Hi, Georgie!  About that gesture you just made .....

Bert: (downbeat now) Thanks a lot, George.  Screwed things up for us as usual.

Joseph: Now we're at the Bailey household and there's Ma and Pa Bailey with George and Harry.

Pa Bailey:  George, have you thought further about taking over the Building and Loan?

George:    Now Pop, I couldn't. I couldn't face being cooped up for the rest of my life in a shabby little office ... I'd go crazy!  I want to do something big and something important, something that'll enable me to nail Rita Hayworth.  And besides there's nothing to do in this town! 

Pa Bailey:  You know, George, I feel that in a small way we are doing something important. It's deep in the race for a man to want his own roof and walls and fireplace, and we're helping him get those things in our shabby little office.  And there are things to do in this town .... like lighting farts!

George:  Pop, you want a shock?  I think you're a great guy! Especially at lighting farts!

Joseph:  Now, we're with both George and Harry  at Harry's High School Graduation party.

Sam WainwrightHi, everybody,  HEE HAW, I'm Sam Wainright!

Clarence:  What an asshat.

Joseph:  No doubt about that. Look, there's Violet!

Clarence: And there's no doubt she is one tasty morsel!

Joseph:  Um, Clarence?  Don't forget:  You're dead! Every last single square inch of you!

Clarence:  You sure don't do much of a selling job for the Guardian Angel business, do you, Joseph?  Say, who's that?

Joseph:  That's Mary Hatch all grown up, soon to be George's girl friend and wife.

Clarence:  She looks sweet and wholesome.  The kind of girl who may one day have a totally innocent All-American television show in the 50's.

Joseph:  Clarence, sometimes you do demonstrate some amazing perceptiveness ....

Clarence:   Yep!  It'll be called "Leave it to Beaver!"

JosephNo, I guess you are a  moron, after all!   Well,  anyway, George and Mary get along very well at the party and later find themselves out walking together singing the song "Buffalo Gal."

George and MaryBuffalo Gal, won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight. Buffalo Gal .....

ClarenceOMG!  They're so bad they make ABBA sound like the Beatles!

George: What is it you want, Mary?  What is it you want?  You want the moon?  Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down!  Hey, that's a pretty good idea, I'll give you the moon.  Well, then you go swallow it ..... say, talking about swallowing ...

Joseph:  Just then, Harry and Uncle Billy drive up with news that George's father has died, and  George has to handle the interim affairs of the business.   Here he is speaking before the Board of Directors:

GeorgeNow hold on, Mr. Potter!  This rabble you're talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of rooms and a bath?  My father didn't think so.  People were human beings to him.  But to you, a warped frustrated old man, they're cattle.  Well, in my book, he died a richer man than you'll ever be!  

That is .....  how much money do you have again, Mr. Potter?

Joseph:  So George has to stay in Bedford Falls and run the Building and Loan because Uncle Billy, though lovable, is so dumb he owns a "how to" manual on drooling saliva.

Clarence:  Does George ever leave Bedford Falls,  Joseph?

Joseph:  Nah, he marries Mary after snaking her from Sam Wainwright and has a bunch of kids.  Over the years he works hard --- always at odds with Mr. Potter --- successfully beating back a run on the bank  as well as helping  a few folks acquire modest homes,  such as  Mr. Martini, who has about 17 children and runs a humble Italian restaurant where you really ought to stay away from the linguine.

Clarence:  Boy, you’ve done a great job of condensing the middle part of this movie down to its bare essentials.  

Joseph: What else can I do?  I think we lost most people’s attention back at the frozen pond!

At Long Last, the Clarence Segment!

Joseph:  Now Clarence, it's Christmas Eve, 1945.  You're going to interact with George Bailey in a couple of minutes, so wipe your mouth and pull up your fly!

George and Uncle Billy are seen.

George:  Well, Uncle Billy, Harry's being awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor tonight for  "Conspicuous Service in Jumping Out of a Plane While Smiling in an  Annoyingly Cocky Manner."   Also he saved some men on a transport or something.  

Now here's $8,000 to deposit in the Building and Loan's Bank Account.  Try not to lose it in a rolled-up newspaper and hand it to Mr. Potter, like you do most of the time.

Sure enough, Uncle Billy pulls an 'Uncle Billy' again!  He begins searching frantically for the money.  Meanwhile Violet visits George in his office.

Violet: George, I want to start over in New York where  I'm much more likely to meet a nice Jewish guy with lots of money and a condo in Boca.

George: Well, here, I have a few dollars left to give you that Uncle Billy hasn't handed in a rolled-up newspaper to Mr. Potter over the years. 

Violet:  I'm glad I know you, George Bailey!  You are one soft touch!

Uncle Billy (entering as Violet leaves): George, I have to talk to you.  I.... pulled another "Uncle Billy."

GeorgeWhere's that money, you silly old fool? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail. Well, it's not gonna be me!

Uncle Billy: George, even though I am an idiot, that speech is totally inappropriate for your character Have you gone over to the Dark Side of the Force?

George returns home deeply depressed and about the last guy you'd want to hook up with to go looking for the babes.  Daughter Janie is practicing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" on the piano, Mary is trimming the tree, and everybody is engaged in festive happy holiday frivolity.  It's a freakin' Norman Rockwell painting he's walking into!

George: Another big red-letter day for the Baileys!  And on our red-letter days, everything's on sale, including the Kathy Ireland Collection!

George goes upstairs to see youngest daugher Zuzu in bed. 

George:  Well, what happened to you?

Zuzu:  The petals fell off my flower, Daddy.  Would you glue them back on?

George:  Who do you think I look like?  Martha Stewart?!!   I'll stick 'em in my pocket til I can find some sucker to sell 'em to!

George goes downstairs, yells at Zuzu's teacher on the phone, trashes the living room, and confesses a tempestuous affair with Violet to Mary!  (About that last one --- just wanted to see if you're  paying  attention to the descriptive passages.  Sorry. ) 

Mary: Why must you torture the children? The water-boarding was bad enough! Why don't you ...?

George bolts out of the house and heads over to Potter's. 

George:  Mr. Potter, I need a loan!  I'll pay any interest you want, do whatever you say ..... as long as I get a toaster and a 1946 calender when I open an account.

Potter:  And this is all you have, George Bailey? A miserable little $500 equity in an insurance policy.  Say, this is a Progressive Policy!  Do you know Flo?  Can you hook me up with that little fox?

George:  I don't know her, Mr. Potter, but frankly I think she wears too much make-up.

Potter:  Too much make-up, how dare you?   Y'know, George Bailey, you're worth more dead that alive!  Now get out of here before I call the authorities!  Maybe one of them knows Flo!

Yes, George Bailey, I actually have the hots for Flo from Progressive!  That's how warped and twisted I am!

George leaves Potter's and goes  to  Martini's Restaurant, where he quickly guzzles down enough to easily drink you and me under the table but does manage to avoid the linguine.

Nick (the rough-hewn bartender):  George, are you okay? Want me to call you a cab?  Or would you prefer me to beat the crap out of you to get your mind off things?

George (hands folded):  Dear Father, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me, show me the way. I'm at the end of my rope. Show me the way.  And if you want me to become Jewish, I'll do that.  But no snip-snip on the pecker! 

Mr. Welch, the husband of Zuzu's teacher, spots George and slugs him. George falls to the ground with a bloody lip.

Mr. Welch:  That's for making my wife cry on the phone today! 

George: Just for that?  Good thing I didn't have sex with her too!

Mr. Martini and the rough-hewn Nick kick Mr. Welch out of the bar,  but not before tipping him off about the fun he can have with George's deaf ear on another occasion.

George:That's what you get for praying! (Looking upward) The Mikveh Bath is off, hot shot!

George staggers to his car, drives drunkenly, and crashes it into a tree.

George:  How did that tree jump in front of my car?  (to the audience) Sure it's projection, folks, but if you'd had half the crappy day I've had, you'd probably be blaming President Obama!

About to jump in the river to end it all but remembering his mother always told him not to go  swimming less than 1/2 hour after eating  and/or drinking himself into oblivion at Martini's,  George hesitates and  Clarence jumps in the water first.  

George:  I'd like to help but that water is so frigid  it would be like spending the night with Martha Stewart!   Oh what the hell, a night with Martha Stewart would give me good practice for being dead!

George jumps in and pulls Clarence out of the water.  What, you were expecting the two of them  break into a synchronized swimming routine?  

George:  Good thing I saved you, little man!  What kind of complete moron is thinking about offing himself on Christmas?  Wait .... Don't answer that!

Clarence:  You didn't save me, George.  I saved you.

George:  You saved me?  How?  Like you rescued me from having to sit through a Russell Brand movie? 

Clarence:  I knew if I were drowning, you would try to save me.  And that's how I saved you! And by the way, George, you just made the second Martha Stewart joke in less than five minutes,  please try to be more creative going forward!

George:  Who are you?

Clarence:  I'm Clarence Oddbody,  your Guardian Angel, George!

George:  Well, you look about like the kind of angel I'd get.  What happened to your wings? Hey, do I get some kind of discount with you?

Clarence:  I haven't got any wings yet, I've got to earn them!  And you, George Bailey, are my ticket to getting those wings, which come complete with a Schick Wing Trimming Set and One Free Coupon to Hang with God  on one of those rare days he's not fawning all over Marilyn Monroe!

George:  Well, I don't want to disappoint you, little fellow, but I'd rather be dead!  Or better yet, never even born!   Or better yet, nailing Grace Kelly during the shooting of Rear Window!

Clarence:  George, I think I'm going with Option 2  because the other two choices --- making you dead and/or helping you slip Grace Kelly your Hitchcock ---  each require complex calculations in quantum mechanics, the accuracy of string theory,  and  a warp in the time-space continuum!

Reversing your birth takes a  bobby pin and some chewing gum.  There, George,  you've got your wish --- at least one of them: you've never been born! 

George: (facetiously)  Okay,  I don't exist.  (winks at audience)    Gonna make it even tougher to get a reservation at Martini's!  Allright, Mr. Angel, let's go check it all out.

George and Clarence head for Martini's but when they come to the tree where George crashed his car, it's not there!

Clarence:  Jesus!  That collossal ass Perry Block will stop at nothing to  to promote his stupid blogposts!

George:  This tree here had jumped carelessly and negligently in front of the car and caused an accident through no fault of my own!  (turning towards the audience)   Hear that, Flo?  There's no claim against me!!

Passer-by:  What are you saying, mister?  Better not be an injury to this tree; it's one of the oldert trees in Cascade de Bedford!

George: Don't you mean Bedford Falls?

Passer-by:  Well, the town used to be called that before it was redeveloped into a renowned  world-class center for the arts,  music, and local handicrafts!

George: Clarence,  I don't understand what he's talking about!  Let's  hit Martini's for a drink.

Clarence:  You're going to see a lot of things you don't understand from now on, George.  It'll be like sitting in 10th grade Geometry class all over again!

George and Clarence enter a restaurant where Martini's used to be which is now called  Martini and Nicholas.  It is a  tasteful and intimate  bistro with handsome and smart decor and a sophisticated and professional clientele enjoying all manner of home-cooked vegan dishes.

At the bar, many patron drink lattes and cappucino as the strains of Livingston Taylor waft pleasantly and melodiously from the upstairs cabaret where he is appearing live.

George:  Clarence .... WTF!

Clarence:  I don't know, George, but this place is ten times hipper than that the glorifed hashhouse Mr. Martini used to run when you were alive! For an Italian  restaurant,  it didn't even have a framed picture of Frank Sinatra in the entranceway, which I think is required by  state law! 

George (approaching bar):  Nick, can you get me and my friend here a couple of drinks?

Nick:  Certainly, sir.  But if it's alcohol you desire, we only serve white wine. Two chardonnays?

George: If that's all you got, Nick!

Nick: Sir, I mean no offense but why do you choose to refer to me as Nick?

George: That's your name, isn' it?

Bartender:  Well, no, kind sir, my name is Nicholas.  I'm a poet and sculptor as well as co-proprietor of this establishment. 

Clarence:  It is lovely here!

George:   What the hell is going on .... where's Martini?

Nicholas: Mr. Martini is back at our home practicing Feng Sui in the living and dining areas, although he said he would be arriving tres soon.

George:   Your home?  Feng Sui?  Tres soon?

Nicholas:  Mr. Martini and I are partners in this restaurant and in life!

Just then a ringing sound is heard indicated that a patron's Artichoke Hearts a la MarNic are done and ready for service.

Clarence:  Hear that, George? Every time you hear a bell ring, it means that some angel's just got his wings.  Although the way it's going with you I'm not likely to hear that sound until Herman Cain is awarded the Man of the Year Award by the National Organization for Women!

Nicholas:  (to George & Clarence)  Oh look, there's Mr. Gower!  He's the tireless liberal activist who years ago broke the power of the major drug companies.  Today he's head of the National Anti-Slapping Society! 

George:  I've had enough!  Clarence, let's get the hell  out of here!

Once outside, George turns to Clarence ....

George: What's the deal here, Clarence?!  I haven't been so weirded out since I saw Pulp Fiction!

Clarence:  It's like I told you George, you don't exist.  See for yourself:  you have  no cards, no driver's license, and no 4F card on you, and back home,  no collection of Swedish erotica.  

George: You're right.  And no Zuzu's petals!  I was hoping I could sell them to one of the touchy-feely types in the restaurant.

Clarence:  You've been given a great gift, George.  A chance to see what the world would be like without you.  Even though so far it's much better this way ....

George:  Clarence!  Clarence, let's check out  the town!

Clarence:  (looking upward)  How am I doing, Joseph? No, I didn't have a drink!  Now wait a minute, you didn’t say anything about hookers!

 Nor did you say anything about weed either!

George and Clarence enter the town of Cascade de Bedford.

Clarence:  George, how quaint and delightful!  Colonial architecture,  outdoor cafes, statuary and fountains,  and look at the  number of fine music venues.  India. Arie!  Norah Jones!  And playing there at The Mellow Pumpkin is "Grammy Award Winner/Artist of the Year" Violet Bick!

George: And the Building and Loan is now the Cascade de Bedford Youth Activity Center and Free Championship Golf Course.  Here's a plaque:  "Dedicated to our noble benefactor who believes every young person deserves a great start in life and the ability to work through his or her slice." 

George:  Look, Clarence, there's Bert and Ernie. Maybe they can help me figure this all out.   Bert!  Ernie!  What's going on?

Ernie:   You mean the unparalleled renaissance of our town, sir?  All due to the  greatest philanthropist and humanitarian of our time, Cascade de Bedford's own  Henry F.  Potter!

Bert:  Although misunderstood at firsthe tirelessly went about earning the capital necessary to reinvent the town into a model for the 21st Century!  He even sold Amway! 

Ernie:  Everyone in Cascade de Bedford is independently wealthy today thanks to him. Just imagine if some goody two-shoes loser  had been around to harass Mr. Potter so he couldn't have done all this!

Bert:  Yeah, thank goodness there was no annoying douchebag alive to mess everything up!  By the way, who are you, fella? 

George: I'm George Bailey, don’t you know me? Bert?  Ernie?  Big Bird?!   Elmo?!  Bob McGrath?!!

Clarence:  Strange, isn't it, George? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole.  Except your not being around seems to have filled it!

George: Clarence, what's happened to my mother?

Clarence:  Thanks to Mr. Potter, she owns the spectacular Bailey Trump Hotel and Casino on the outskirts of town. It puts the Bellagio to shame!

George:  And Uncle Billy?

Clarence:  In Spain right now with his third wife,  actress Sofia Vergara.

George: And my brother Harry?

Clarence:  There's one area where you seem to have done some good, George.  Harry Bailey broke through the ice at the age of nine and died!

George:  That's a lie!  Harry Bailey went to war, he saved every man's life on that transport!

Clarence:  Every man on that transport died.  Harry wasn't there to save them because you weren't there to ..... wait a minute!    Spiderman saved Harry.   My bad.  Okay, everything's fine.

George: Clarence, I don't know how you know these things,  but what's happened to Mary?

ClarenceI'm not supposed to tell!

George:  Please, Clarence, I've go to know!

Clarence:  You're not going to like it, George! She's about to close up the library!

George:  Gee .... that's kind of better too!  When I was alive, I never could get her lazy ass out to work!

Clarence:  I'm afraid I haven't done much good for you, George. This is where I'm supposed to say:

 "You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life!" 

But frankly from what we've seen today: 

"At best, George, you've had a middling to downright shitty life!"

George: That's okay, Clarence, I still want to be alive again.  It's the little things like ....  breathing .... that you tend to miss.   So, get me back, Clarence.  I want to live again.  I want to live! 

Clarence:  Okay, you fickle bastard!  Wish you'd make up your mind.

Clarence vanishes and George is alone.

George:  Hey, my lip's bleeding!  Hey, I'm deaf again!   You could whisper all kinds of ethnic and personal slurs in my one ear and I couldn't hear it!  Not that anyone would do that!  And here's Zuzu's petals!  I can still sell them to some sucker!

George goes running past his car still smashed into a tree and into town .....


Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!

 The same insipid, boring dead-end community I've always known.  No pretentious French spellings or phony avant garde poetry readings!  No India.Arie or 12 bucks for a latte!  Hah, aside from lighting farts,  going to see that corny Bells of St. Mary's is the only thing to do in town!

No Diana Krall with Tony Bennett!

Merry Christmas, Emporium!  Merry Christmas, you old Building and Loan! 

I'm wishing Merry Christmas to inanimate objects, I must be nuts! 

 HEEEYYYY!!! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!  

Potter:  And Happy New Year to you .... in jail!  Go back to your house; they're all waiting for you.  Y'know, George, it might not be a bad idea to stop at Murray's and pick up some cold cuts, a little corned beef, some rye .....

Returning home, George bursts through his front door and finds the bank examiner and sheriff waiting for him.

George:  Isn't it wonderful, I'm going to jail!

Mary: (entering the house)  Happy about going to jail?  Just great!  Y'know I've always sort of suspected ... all that hanging out with Martini and Nick!

George:  Kids!  Mary!  Are you real?  Or are you  Hamburger Helper?

Mary: Geez, your sense of humor sure didn't improve from being dead!   But look, George:  It's a Miracle!  Come on in, Uncle Billy!

All George's friends begin pouring into the house. Mr. Martini, Mr. Gower, Violet,  and all the people who participated in the bank run, everyone in the town enters!  George is thrilled! 

Uncle BillyMary did it, George!  Mary did it!   She told people you were in trouble and they scattered all over town and told others to get over here for some great schadenfreude!

George: But Uncle Billy.... I thought they’d be bringing over some money ...

Uncle Billy: Money? Who said anything about money?!

Each person in the house comes up to George and greets him ....

Mr. Martini:  No more credit at my place, you deadbeat!

Mr. Gower: (slapping George)  I knew you'd never amount to anything when you almost ruined my relationships with the key pharmaceutical houses! 

Violet:  I changed my mind, I'm not going to New York!  Which means I'll be around if you feel like shtupping, George, but of course it'll cost ya!

ErnieThis is from London. "Mr. Gower cabled you need cash.  My office instructed to advance you up to NOT A DAMN THING!  This is my chance to get Mary back at last!  Merry Christmas and HEE HAW!!!  ......  Sam Wainwright"

Mary: Mr. Martini, how about some cheap ass wine?!

Ernie:  Harry Bailey! 

In walks Harry.

BertDang fool flew up here in a snowstorm!  

Harry: Yes,  but the "snowstorm" I was flying in wasn't anything you're thinking about,  Bert!   

George: Harry!  Harry!  

Harry:  Stop saying my name over and over again like an idiot, George.

GeorgeHarry!  Harry!

Harry:   Hmm, I'm thinking "snowmight well be the answer to your money problems, George!  You may be a pathetic loser who can't stop saying "Harry, Harry, " but you did save my life, no thanks to Spiderman!  

George:  I'm all ears .... well, one ear at least!  

Harry:  A toast to my big brother, George:  the richest man in town!   Or ... heh, heh ... soon to be!  Now let's head over to Potter's,  he really knows how to throw a party!

Everybody begins singing  Auld Lang Syne.  (As many times as I've seen this movie, I've  never understood why.  This is Christmas Eve, not New Year's Eve!  WTF???

Under the Christmas tree, George spots a book with the following inscription by Clarence.

Dear George,

Remember no man is a failure who has friends.

Thanks for the wings!

Love, Clarence

P.S. Sorry you're still broke.  Maybe you could do some consulting?  

Zuzu:  I couldn't help reading that inscription, Daddy.  "No man is a failure who has friends?"  Daddy,  Hitler had friends!  That's a very jejune philosophy!

George:  Hey, Zuzu, why don't you make like your petals and blow away!

Mary: That wasn't nice, George! 

George:  But Mary, she's fucking up the movie!  What would Mr. Capra say?!

Zuzu: Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

George:  That's right!  That's right!  Attaboy, Clarence!

Zuzu:  And then Teacher says they each have a seriously debilitating  in-flight accident!

All assembled continue singing Auld Lang Syne ---  for God knows what reason --- to fade out.

Actually, not quite.  It fades out and Clarence up in heaven fades in ....

Clarence:  George, I don't like these wings!  They're itchy, they don't fit well, the chicks up here aren't going to dig these!  We have to do it all over again and this time, leave you dead!  George, do you hear me?  George?? George???   



The End

Good night, George, and thanks for the great Schadenfreude!



brettdeiser said...

Loved your post as usual.

Perry Block said...

Attaboy, Brett! Attaboy!

Thanks for writing.