Monday, November 14, 2011

My Twitter Pledge to You

Almost exactly two years ago, I first joined the social networking site known as Twitter.

At that time I understood little about Twitter other than how stupid I thought the name was, sounding something like a cross between a child's play toy or an adult's play toy if you happen to talk like Elmer Fudd

 And I still think that.

The word tweet also strikes me as kind of juvenile for describing the act of communication over a medium that's become as much a serious source of  information about politics, world affairs, and art as about whether Justin Bieber can produce sufficiently potent sperm to father a child.

Would great people throughout history have used something called tweets to express their deepest and most sage thoughts and ideas?

@WinWithWinnie  We will fight on the land, on the sea, & in the air .... but if they attack us from space, we're screwed!

@AlbieEinstein   WOOT!  I've got it:  E=MC 2.   Now, more coffee!

@ArthurMiller69  Nitey nite, tweeps!  I'm off to bed with Marilyn Monroe & you're not!

@TheReneDescartes   I think.  Therefore I tweet.

@Will_Shakespeare  I wrote a mess of plays & sonnets?   I  can't even spell my last name the same way twice!  #fakedyaalloutmorons!

In one man's quest to further ennoble this medium I have come to love, or at least tolerate, I have developed a set of rules for my conduct on Twitter:  A Ten Commandments of Twitter,  if you will, and even if you won't.  

I shall follow these Ten Commandments of Twitter to the letter and with all my heart, except on weekends and Jewish holidays.

Herewith, My Twitter Pledge to You:

1) I will never use the expression "WOOT" unless I happen to talk like Elmer Fudd and am tweeting about what you should do-do-do for the home team. 

2) I will never use the expression "Woo-hoo" unless you have previously tweeted "Knock Knock" to which I have tweeted "Who's there?" to which you have tweeted "Woo."

3) Under no circumstances  will I ever LOL my own tweets.  This is the twitter equivalent of jerking off.   It's not up to me to determine if my tweets are funny, you make the call and LOL me!  I hope.

4) I will never tweet "Good morning, Tweeps" unless I have actually spent the night with all of my followers,  or at least one or more of those followers I'd actually like to spend the night with!

5) I will never use the expression "the hubs" in any of my tweets, even if one day I should actually have a "hubs."

6) All my DMs will be dirty.

7) I will never follow back hate mongers, extreme right wing NRA-types,  or anti-semites  unless they have smokin' hot avatars with big boobs. 

8) I will never use the hashtag #amwriting unless I happen to be living in a parallel dimension in which pronouns do not exist

9) I will never at any time follow celebrities --- except of course each and every one of you!

10) And yes, I will also kiss your ass.

Additional copies of My Twitter Pledge to You are available if you send me an e-mail at the address shown on my Facebook page.  Make sure to include the words "WOOT" and "woo-hoo" and the hashtag "amwriting." 

And don't forget to tell 'em @WinwithWinnie sent you! 



Lexi said...

I like the Arthur Miller tweet. I just read it out to the offspring and she raised her eyebrows. I expect she'll laugh later while I'm doing the washing up.

I have never used #amwriting. I figure nobody cares.

Perry Block said...

You're wrong, Lexi. I care.

Because the more #amwriting you do, the more #rakinginthemoney you do, and when you've #rakedinmorethanyourshare, my Rule No. 10 will come very heavily into play!

Maybe you'll be the next @ArthurMiller69!

Anonymous said...

I'm leaving a comment in hopes that it will lead to a DM from you.

K.D. McCrite said...

Thank you for such a heart-felt, timely and pithy post. Your pledge inspires me never to woot or woo hoo anyone again.

You forgot to mention how important it is to have 200,000 followers, most of whom are trying to sell their books about dragon-slaying vampires.

(I wonder how Moses would have tweeted the 10 commandments?)

Perry Block said...


You're definitely on the list. But having taken a look at your blog, I think I'm far more interested in getting one from you!

Perry Block said...


It is not my purpose to stop anyone from WOOTing or Woo-hooing if it's comfortable for them. I'm not even comfortable myself using the expression "I tweeted" because it sounds to me like I need Depends.

And thank you again for all your support! I can't imagine having anyone better than you in my corner.

Although it would be nice if just once April Grace poked back!

K.D. McCrite said...

April doesn't visit her Facebook page very often. She's getting old and forgetful.