Thursday, October 6, 2011

Art for Art’s Sake

From time to time I enjoy shopping for big ticket items I cannot afford and would never buy absent you’re paying up the three hundred bucks you owe me since that “sure thing” at Aqueduct.

Over the last few months, I’ve checked out mega-sized TVs, mini-sized Coopers, and paintings of every artistic school, vision, and size --- mega, mini, or in between.  It’s kind of amazing how sales approaches for such seemingly disparate products resemble each other far more closely than you’d ever think.

Frankly, were it not for the complimentary wine and sensitive expressions, sometimes you’d never know for sure where you are.

“Evening, Gent’men,” said the smiling salesperson as my son Brandon and I entered his establishment  a few weeks ago. 

Welcome to Crazy Andre’s Fine Art Showroom!  How may I help youse?”

“We’re, um, just interested in browsing at some paintings,” I said.

“Well, step right this way, guys!  We got more expressionists, romanticists, and cubists than any gallery in the tri-state area! Take a look at this baby, so reminiscent of Picasso during his blue period.  It’s priced to move!

“Well, I'm not really a big Picasso guy ...  " I started to say.

“Notice the enveloping texture, the subtle nuance of the brushstrokes with the masterful command of dark tonality.  She’s sturdy, too. Go ahead, sir – kick the frame!”

“No, that’s okay,” said Brandon “we're really only browsing."

“I’ll bet youse'd like to to see some of our sporty European impressionist models, young man! Take a gander at Water Lilies Flowing down a River under a Bridge near Rouen Cathedral.  Just look at that quality paint job!”

“Yes, that’s nice,” I said.

“And this one is guaranteed to go up in value. The artist is a 100% certified nut case; he not only cut off his ear, he’s into the primary body parts, too!

“No thanks,” said Brandon. “The $3,200 price would represent the severing of an arm and a leg for my dad as well."

Meanwhile Brandon had been checking out a pointillist painting of a snowfall, itself a bit pricey at $900.

“I admire your taste, young man!  Brian Meeks, the artist would kill me if I made a deal  on this one but lemme see if I can get him on my smart phone.  He oughta be home, he only bowls Wednesdays.”

“Hello, hello, Meeksy? This is Art down at Crazy Andre’s. Look, I got a dad and his son here been admiring' Snowy Scene at the Swiss Chalet. Yeah, I know – a lollapalooza, one of your best!  But look, Meeksy, as much as these two guys are in love with the paintin', and even with Andre’s outstandin' financin' policy, the price tag is still ....  oh, thank you so much, Meeksy!”

The salesperson hung up and turned to us with a broad, toothy grin.

“Folks, I’d never have believed it. He said that since youse are such a nice family and it being close to Christmas – August 24th – he wants to give youse a ‘present’ of ‘Snowy Scene’ for only $750!  Unbelievable what a deal youse got!

“Uhhh, we’ve really got to think over for a few days,” I said.

That price is good for tonight only. Meeksy might come down with a case of existential angst tomorrow and deny the whole universe, let alone this collossal price-buster! By the way he tweets as @ExtremelyAvg, check him out, do."

“No, thank you," said Brandon. "As we said, Dad and I are just browsing."

“Well, then maybe youse would like to look at some of our select pre-owned art. Here’s a primitivist painting that was owned by a little old lady who only looked at it on Sundays. Folks, what do I gotta do to make a deal here?  Cut off my ear?!"

We said good-bye to Art and left the gallery.  But no sooner were we out the door than  I was seized with the desire to look at some new cars, so I hot-footed it down the block to a showroom not 100 yards away.

“Dad, what the ….” shouted Brandon. But I had already bounded into the showroom.

“Bonjour, je suis Henri, a votre service,” said a thin aesthetic looking gentleman in a beret.

Some complimentary wine and quiche today? And how may I help youse?”



Extremely Average said...

I loved it. It isn't often I get to make a cameo in such a well written tale. If I could only paint.

Bodaciousboomer said...

Kick the frame... I like that.

Perry Block said...


Welcome to the World of Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute supporting characters! One never knows where you may turn up next.

Uhh, remember, you don't paid for this!

Perry Block said...


Not only that, it's warrantied for 50,000 ardent gazes or 17 "Oooh, I like a man who admires art," whichever comes first!

And thanks for following the blog!