I'll Never Be Hungry Again! (FF)

Copyright - Rochelle Wisoff Fields

"As God is my witness, I swear I'll never be hungry again!"

Fade out, music plays, first part of movie is over.

Intermission

Fade In, music plays.

"Oh Rhett, how thoughtul .... Olive Garden!"

"Eat as many bread sticks as you like, Scarlett." 

"As God is my witness, I swear I'll never be hungry again! But what about the bill, Rhett?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" 

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Frankly, my friends, one would wonder whether Scarlett might have preferred to starve under this scenario.  However, at least I've cut to the chase and brought our protagonists together far more quickly then ever before and saved you an hour and a half of the more boring parts of this movie in the doing.

And yes, as my Valentines's Day Friday Fictioneers present to you, I have brought you Rhett and Scarlett and soggy breadsticks, which you'll find strikingly similar to your actual Valentine's Day except without Rhett and Scarlett. You can check out the Valentine's Day presents from the other Fictioneers by clicking here. 

You'll never be hungry for flash fiction again.

(Note: I just changed the name of this piece because everyone was focusing on bread sticks, not Gone with the Wind. This is a GWTW spoof with an ancillary joke about Olive Garden food.  I hope this is more clear.) 

Platonically Incorrect

 Until Now ....

I've been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years.  

Our relationship has always been platonic.

But my last engagement in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I'm talking presidential administrations, not weeks.

And so it came to pass that in winter this old man's fancy turned to behavior that was platonically incorrect.

"It’s good to see you, Perry.  Did you bring the movie page?"

"Yes, Ellen, but it's cold outside and they're talking flurries.”

"But I want to go to the movies."

“How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?"

"Romantic? Us? Like what?"

"Romantic like ... the sexiest show with the most nudity we can find on 

HBO!"

"No way! I'm not watching a bunch of overly tattooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked out blondes with big tits."

"You just described half a dozen of my favorite movies."

"Perry, I want to go out."

"Hey, Ellen ... I brought wine! And glasses.

“Those aren't glasses.  Those are beer mugs!"

"Here you go, kid!  To your health!  And your stamina!"

"What is going on with you, Perry?!"

"Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression 'friends with benefits?'"

"Now I get it. You're feeling horny."

"That's not true! What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, true bonding, and deepening ties between us. And yeah … I'm feeling horny."

"So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?"

"Beats TrumpCare."

"I'm sorry, Perry, I'm not having sex with you!  We're good friends, and I want to keep it that way."

"You know we're not really such good friends. We have nothing in common."

"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, mythology, and hating ABBA.”

“Is that all?”

"Perry, I’m not going to screw you."

"One time. Just one time! Pretty please?"

"Not going to happen."

"Great.  Okay, Ellen, what movie do you want to see?"

"I want to go in town to see a revival."

"What movie is that?"

"‘Carnal Knowledge.’"

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The Maze Maker (FF)

 copyright Melanie Greenwood

"Did you create this maze?  It's incredible!"

"Thank you very much.  Carving out mazes is a hobby of mine."

"Well, you sure are good at it.  I've been in here almost 15 minutes and I'm just now finding my way out!"

"15 minutes?  Hey, that's not bad at all!"

"Ha! I was beginning to think I should have ... ha, ha ...brought dinner and a flashlight."

"Yeah, I've frequently thought that too."

"Frequently thought that too? How long have you been in here?"

"Two years and four months, ever since I carved it. Thank God you found me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankly I'm not particularly good at mazes either.  The last time I went through a maze by the time I came through the other end Morlocks and Eloi were running the operation.

You won't need a time machine, however,  to check out the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers relative to the picture prompt overhead, but you will have to contend with the weekly mazelike grid of Fictioneers that Russell calls the Hollywood Squares Authors Block.

To read them all won't quite take you two years and four months.  Bring dinner and a flashlight though.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

We've got a winner!

Carrie Bailey is perhaps the most inspiring person I've never met.

That is, never met in person. 

I know Carrie Bailey through the Internet, Facebook, and Twitter. In her 30 plus years of life she has lived on multiple continents, raised a son to adulthood, authored short stories and poems, become a painter, and earned a graduate degree in New Zealand. During that same period of time, what I have done is put down the clicker, stand up, and go from the den to the kitchen for snacks.

Carrie has been kind enough to tag me for the highly coveted Very Inspiring Blogger Award, and I must say that I am truly delighted to walk off with an award this year that even Michael Keaton didn't get. Thank you, Carrie.

As part of the gestalt of winning this award, it is now incumbent upon me to share seven facts about myself.  Some of what follows may not be suitable for children or for that matter, suitable for anyone.

1) I was born and raised a Buddhist and went to Buddhist School until I was 13 to prepare for the Coming-of-Age Buddhist Ritual, in which you get a lot of presents. To this day, older Buddhist women are constantly coming up to me and saying "Have I got a nice Buddhist girl for you!"

2) I regularly fill in for Bruce Wayne as Batman on weekends and holidays, but mainly I just hand out parking tickets and pose for pictures with Cameron Diaz. 

3) I did successfully get though law school many years ago (there were far fewer laws back then) but my legal career began its rapid downhill slide when I identified "jurisprudence" on the Bar Exam as "some chick who came over on the Mayflower."

4) I am deathly afraid of spiders.  Many people say I should appreciate spiders because they eat other bugs. Well, I'm rooting for the other bugs!

5) I have always wanted to be referred to as "The Lovely and Talented Perry Block."

6)  I am terrified of sharp knives. I have spent the better part of the last twenty years attempting to develop food with zippers.

7) I have scoliosis (curvature of the spine). But on the bright side I charge Zorro a ton of money to use my back for practicing the "Sign of the Z." 

Bonus Fact: I'm not particularly good at parallel parking.  I have been known to be unable to pull into spaces Godzilla has just vacated.

As I begin the glorious year ahead as A Very Inspiring Blogger, I will keep in mind that if I cannot complete my duties for any reason whatsoever --- and not just the ones that involve people pointing at me and giggling --- the first runner up will take over the responsibilities of my crown. Therefore I am designating the entire list of folks below as first runner-ups.

They are also not coincidentally those folks I am personally tagging as Very Inspiring Bloggers.  They need feel no obligation to designate other people as inspiring bloggers if they prefer not to, because I have that power!

Russell Gayer - Very funny & that's why I hate him
Janet Webb -  Sensitive & poetic 
Alicia Jamtass - Unique takes on life
Amy Reese - Quirky & original

I might have named many more, especially among the flash fiction group known as the Friday Fictioneers, but I must begin my reign. I plan to do some major league inspiring later today.

But first, I'm gonna get me a nap.

This is where Carrie Bailey comes from.  
I'll be posting a picture of where I come from with the
 above ground pool and clothesline soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~