Captain Cautious Gets a Ding

Ah, for those carefree Dingless Days! 

I recently put a small ding in my one year old Toyota Camry. It's a bit of a blow for the man they now call Captain Cautious because of his "scrupulous to the point of wimp-like" driving due to the accident which precipitated purchase of the new car.

The Ding isn't that big, only about 1/4 of an inch long and not deep.  After all, that's why it's called a "ding." It's on the left front side panel of the car,  and most people couldn't find the Ding unless guided to it by Sacajawea.

But the Ding mocks and haunts me.  Day and night it calls out to me :

"DING! DING! DING, PERRY!  I am the DING you so carelessly and recklessly put in your almost brand new motor vehicle.  Loser, can't you keep anything nice? DING! DING! DING!"

Every morning the Ding greets me as if I were an old friend. Or more likely, an old enemy:

"DING! DING! DING! Good morning, Perry.  Hope you haven't forgotten me, your DING!  I can't believe you inflicted me upon your new Camry, the most trusted mid-size in America!  DING! DING! DING!"

As I drive away from my home, the Ding does not let up.  It holds forth with a glowing account of my complete and total driving ineptitude:

"DING! DING! DING!  Hello, Delaware Valley Drivers, one and all! I am the DING that the hapless driver behind the wheel imposed upon this virtually new but ill-fated Camry.  Avoid this idiot if you value your lives! DING!  DING!  DING!"

Now the Ding is intensifying, throbbing, growing ... it is two inches long and deep as a ditch ... three inches long and deeper than a crater ... 110 inches long and the Grand Canyon!!!  And now it resounds with a new voice, as though it is a schoolteacher on meth ringing the bell to call very tardy fifth graders to class: 

"DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG! 

Loser, Idiot, Douche Bag! 

DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG! " 

I round a corner trying to flee but it is no use.  I still hear the hideous Dinging of The Tell-Tale Ding!

"DING! DING! DING!  A new Hyundai and you, young lady, smash the hell out of the left side door panel!  You don't deserve the second most trusted mid-size in America!  DING! DING! DING!" 

Why, that wasn't for me .... no, coming my way is a light blue Sonata with a small ding in the side, being driven by a nervous looking young woman.  

 "DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG!" cries my Ding.

"DING! DING! DING!" screams hers.  

I wipe my brow and muster a smile, and she looks over and smiles back.  And suddenly all is silent. 

"Guess you and I need to fix these dings ASAP," I call to her.

"Maybe better we fix our heads first," she calls back.

I am not alone, and neither is she.  We are brothers. 

Brothers Under the Ding. 

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Captain Cautious Buys A Car

Perry!!! Have I got a car for you!

It was time.   My Uncool Car was but a memory.  It had been felled by an automobile mishap, the unfortunate experience of which had turned me into Captain Cautious Behind the Wheel.

But it wasn't the heavy-handed plugging of two previous blog posts nobody's going to read anyway that caused me to put off purchasing a replacement vehicle.  It was something else,  something far less annoying for you but far more troubling for me.

I have no sales resistance.    NONE!

Want Proof?  

~ I'm still receiving the last year and a half of my subscription to the newsletter  Minister Farrakhan Speaks Out On Why He Hates You.  But I am thinking of not renewing ...

~ I purchased 6,000 acres of real estate sight unseen on the recommendation of  former presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.  It was only later I heard of his plans to colonize Mars. 

~ I invested in a play called Springtime for Hitler.  Actually, oddly enough,  that investment turned out pretty well.

Why do I succumb so readily to sales pressure?   Maybe it's because I fall for every aggressive salesperson's trick in the book.

1) If the salesperson is friendly and seems to like me, I want to please them!   And if I've made an age-related comment in the time I've been with them,  just let them say "I don't believe it, you look great!" and watch them hit sales quota for the month,  even if it's June 2nd.   And for the next month too.

2) If the salesperson is not that friendly and ignores me, I want to please them!  "If I can't even get sales people not to hate me," I think  "no wonder I can't get any dates!" 

3) So, the very special once-in-a-lifetime discount price expires in 15 minutes?  Who'd believe that nonsense?   Me.  I rush to sign the papers like I'm on Minute to Win It!

4) The salesperson aggressively pushes me for a yes or no answer?  Everybody knows that's the time to firmly say "no" and walk away!  I firmly say "yes," as do my firmly planted "yes-affirming" feet.  

But not this time!  This time I'll be prepared.  This time I won't succumb.

I studied up on cars.  I listened to those Car Talk guys on NPR.  I'll probably never again contribute to NPR, but I listened to the those Car Talk guys on NPR.

I practiced my sales resistance in the mirror:  "No, that's way too much!"  "Sorry, not interested!" "Yes or no? Then the answer is a big fat NO, you big fat douchebag!"

I knew I was ready.  

I entered the dealership prepared for battle.  I asked to see a sales person.  That sales person approached.

A very attractive young person of the female persuasion! 

"Before we get started," I blurted out "I'm prepared for you! I know that: 

•  these cars are in demand because Car &  Cool Guy Magazine called  them the Best Glove Compartment in Mid-Class Hybrids,  
• everyone takes Option Group 4A  because leather makes a statement, 
• your unbelievably low pricing is good for Tonight Only!,  and
•  Throw in floor mats?! Throw in floor mats?!!  Your Sales Manager will never let you throw in floor mats,  but if I'm ready to buy RIGHT NOW, you'll do EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO GET HIM TO THROW IN FLOOR MATS!"

I paused.   She didn't say a word.

"And you're going to act like you like me, I'll want to please you, and then I'll buy a car this very evening and overpay considerably for it.  But at least I can go home in my lovely new car and freely fantasize about having sex with you later."

She nodded emphatically.  

''All right," I said. "I'll take ... whatever."  

I picked out the car I wanted, I had a fine sales experience, and a fine fantasy later.

By the way, I really do like my new car.  There it is below.  

I still have no sales resistance.   But I do have floor mats!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zoom-Zoom 

(Note: Lake & mountains in back shown

 to make my life appear more appealing than it is.)

Captain Cautious Behind the Wheel

                                             

No more for me.  I'm Captain Cautious!

I recently had a minor automobile accident while driving not so far from my home. It was "minor" in that I'm still breathing.  It was "accident" in that my car is not.

Something happens to you after an automobile accident,  aside from the urge to fake whiplash and find a lawyer with the cheapest looking ad in the Yellow Pages. You begin to think you ought to be more careful, take driving more seriously, actually pay attention to the speed limits while you're blithely exceeding them.  

My car had paid the ultimate price.   It was a tearful moment when I emptied out the glove compartment, trunk, and beer cans and unused condoms from the back seat.   "Goodbye, Old Paint!"  I called out.  Which in this case was literally true since the exterior of my 2001 vehicle looked like it had been originally painted by whoever Tom Sawyer had been able to con into doing the job in the 1870's.

Taking to the road  in my rental car on the way home, I noted that the posted speed limit was 25 mph,  so I slowed to that speed.  Before long came the realization that traveling at this sane, reasonable, and legal rate of speed  feels like going backwards!  Instead of moving toward my destination,  I was in fact losing ground. Given enough time, I'd find myself in the Atlantic Ocean.  

Who sets these speed limits, the guy who actually drives your father's Oldsmobile?

But nonetheless, at that very moment I made a commitment.   I would become Captain Cautious Behind the Wheel!

I would never again speed to get through a yellow light unless I was being chased by Nazis.   I would become so attuned to the fact that objects in my right hand side mirror are closer than they appear that I would actually write that very phrase upon the mirror! I would brake for animals and sometimes even for people too.

I would become one with the road. Why not?  I'm not dating anyone else! 

Now when I approach a stop sign,  I slow to a stop ten feet behind the sign. Then I inch forward and stop dead directly in line with the sign.

~I look right.  I look left.  I look up.  I look down.

~I look 360 degrees all about me.  This is a feat that has not been otherwise successfully achieved since actress Linda Blair in The Exorcist in 1973.  

~I listen for traffic reports on the twos at KYW Newsradio 1060 in Philadelphia to learn of any nearby advancing motor vehicles,  nearby being defined as anywhere in the tri-state area.   

~I grow old.  I die, Horatio.

Other drivers are beginning to recognize and salute the commitment of Captain Cautious.  Whenever I am driving down a two lane road scrupulously observing the speed limit, a long line of cars forms behind me in tribute. Some drivers even sound their horns in my honor. When the lanes of travel widen, many that pass me give me the thumbs up sign as they drive by!

At least I believe it is the thumbs up sign. 

I'd love for you to come driving with me some day if you have nothing to do and a whole lot of patience.  For you see ...

I am now Captain Cautious Behind the Wheel, role model for one and all!

I am also one big pain in the ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~