(Note: This short sketch is adapted from the post of the same name presented herein July 13, 2017.)
Dramatis Personae
Perry – Handsome young
leading man type. Hey who’s writing
this, you or me?
Farbman – Perry’s
nervous and upset friend
Brandon – Perry’s son
The Scene - Perry and Farbman are sitting at lunch. Farbman
looks tense and unhappy, idly moving his fork around his plate.
PERRY
Farbman, I’ve never seen you so upset. You haven’t even touched your second dessert!
Farbman, I’ve never seen you so upset. You haven’t even touched your second dessert!
FARBMAN
I touched it. I can’t eat it, but I touched it.
PERRY
I haven’t seen you this
upset since it was announced Jimmy Fallon was taking over The Tonight Show.
FARBMAN
It's my son Bruce. In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!
It's my son Bruce. In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!
PERRY
What is it, Farbman? Did he vote for Trump, forsake Judaism, listen to ABBA?
What is it, Farbman? Did he vote for Trump, forsake Judaism, listen to ABBA?
FARBMAN
If only it were one of
those things! No, my son Bruce told me ... he told me ... he told me he doesn't
like Tom Hanks!
PERRY
Told you what?
FARBMAN
He
told me he doesn’t like Tom Hanks!
Pause. Farbman
begins to weep.
PERRY (Slowly and deliberately)
He … doesn’t …like …
Tom Hanks? America's most likeable celebrity? The nicest guy in Hollywood, a
welcome presence on screens both large and small?
FARBMAN
(Loud
sobbing) Yee-ess!
PERRY
Farbman, how did this
all come about?
FARBMAN
It was last Saturday
night. I was watching Cast Away again and Bruce came into the den.
Bruce, I said, Tom and
Wilson the Soccer Ball are beginning to bond. It’s so beautiful! Come sit down and we’ll watch together.
Uh, I’d rather not,
Dad, he said.
Why, Bruce? I asked.
It's time I told you,
he said. I don’t like Tom Hanks!
What are you saying,
Bruce?! I shouted.
I’ve never liked Tom
Hanks, he said. And I never will!
(Loud
sobbing)
PERRY
He doesn’t like Big?
FARBMAN (through tears)
No.
PERRY
Saving Private Ryan?
FARBMAN
No-oh-oh-oh!
PERRY
Turner and Hooch?
FARBMAN
Not even! (Blubbering)
PERRY (Trying to calm him down)
Farbman, try to
understand! Bruce has no choice in the
matter. He was born not liking Tom
Hanks.
FARBMAN
How could this happen
to me? I who have seen Forrest
Gump more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!
PERRY
Farbman! This isn’t
about you! People’s attitudes are changing. It’s a more
inclusive world now with room for everyone. Straight. Gay. LGBTQ. THD.
FARBMAN
THD?
PERRY
Tom Hanks Dislikers.
FARBMAN (calming down)
Really?
PERRY
Sure. I’ll bet in
10 years or so Tom Hanks Dislikers may even be able to marry each other.
FARBMAN
Perry, what should I
do?
PERRY
Just tell Bruce you
love him and support him no matter what.
FARBMAN
I think you’re right. I
do feel better. Thank you!
PERRY
No problem, Farbman.
They shake hands and Farbman walks off.
PERRY
Poor guy. Poor, Poor
guy!
Brandon enters.
BRANDON
Hey, Dad, I’m staying home tonight. Want to watch
a movie? `
PERRY
Yeah, sure, Bran. How
about something with Tom Hanks?
BRANDON
Great, Dad! Everybody
likes Tom Hanks.
PERRY
Why don't we watch Sully?
BRANDON
Um … I’d rather not,
Dad.
PERRY
Why?
Why?
BRANDON
It's time I told you.
I don’t like Sully Sullenberger!
Perry begins crying hysterically.
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But of course.
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