Why Max Goodkin Got His Own Park Bench

 

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About a week ago I sat down on a park bench in a neighborhood park and noticed a plaque on the front of it that said "In Memory of  Max Goodkin."

I wondered what marvelous things Max Goodkin had done to deserve such an honor.

And suddenly out of nowhere a wraithlike figure appeared before me.  He looked sort of like an old Jewish man, somewhat bald and with an aquiline nose. 

I guess no one gets them done in the afterlife.

"Who or what are you?" I said, trembling. 

"I am the Spirit of Max Goodkin," it intoned. "You have summoned me with your inquiries."

"Well, I didn't exactly summon. I mused, but that's not the same as summoning."

"Are you gonna quibble about semantics after I took the trouble to get here? Celestial roadways are worse than your Schuylkill Expressway!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Goodkin. Why have you come?"

"I've come to answer your questions as  to why this Park Bench was dedicated in my honor."

"Yes, please tell me," I said. 

He stood fully erect and pronounced "I am the inventor of Park Benches."

"Didn’t we always have them?"

"Not before 1958. Before that everyone squatted on the ground. Uncomfortable to say the least and carpenter ants often climbed up their privates.”

“So what you’re saying is ...”

"Yes, I invented sitting outdoors."

"Wow, tell me about it."

"We've had chairs but they were only for sitting around indoors, eating dinner, playing cards, and arguing over your husband leaving the toilet seat up.  It took years of painstaking work to develop the Park Bench; the early prototypes required everyone to stand on their heads”

“I see.”

“My wife left me.  My kids left me.  Even the dog left me.  But I was determined.”

“And?”

“The final invention was a smash hit. For a while everything was great. Money poured in; I was on the Merv Griffin Show. I even dated Elizabeth Taylor.”

“So why do we not know of you?”

“Before my passing, I sold all rights to the Park Bench to the very young Jeff Bezos.”

"Oh, no!"

“He used the riches he made to finance his empire while I, Max Goodkin, am forgotten. I died penniless, not that pennies are worth much anymore.”

“Well, at least you have this Park Bench, but I guess that's all that's left of your legacy.”

“Don’t feel bad for me. “

“Why?”

“I’m dating Liz Taylor again in the  afterlife.”

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