Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Incredible Shrinking Jew

(Dedicated to the science fiction classic "The Incredible Shrinking Man"  of which it is a total rip-off.)

At first I thought perhaps it was caused by the blast from a bizarre radioactive cloud that I encountered while on a boat I was sailing off the coast of California.  Then I realized that I'm Jewish, I don't sail,  I get nauseous on boats, and I live in Havertown PA which is nowhere near California.  

And yet I seemed to be smaller in size.  For several days, my shirt and my jeans had suddenly felt a bit too large for me.  Damn that drier, I thought!  It's supposed to shrink stuff, not make it bigger! 

But the problem persisted.  I had always been 6'2" and 180 pounds of taut muscle. (Alright, I'm lying, I had always been 5' 10" and resembling a half-chewed French Fry, but the taut muscle makes a better story.)  Yet day by day, I seemed to be continuing to lose stature. 

I could no longer keep my pants up. (That statement would be a lot more exciting in a different story than this one.)   I noticed that I was staring eye to eye at people who had formerly been shorter than I was, and I began losing a lot of money because in a staring contest I'm always the one to giggle first.

I went to see my family doctor.  I said "Doctor, Doctor, Mister MD, can you tell me what's ailing me?"

And he said "Yes,  I can.  For one, you can't sing.  For another, you are shrinking.  You are now 5'7'' tall."

"Doctor, that means I've shrunk seven whole inches!" 

"No, it means you've shrunk three inches.   Forget your idiotic attempt to make a better story by saying you were 6'2"!" 

"But what's causing it, Dr. Simpkin?  A radioactive cloud left over from 1950's nuclear testing?"

"Again with the making a better story!  No, it's because you're too damn old!  Shrinking is quite common at your age.  By the way,  I'm only 42 and such an occurrence is far off the radar for me."

"That's quite some bedside manner there, Doc,"  I said.  "Can't you do something?  Isn't there an antidote?  Some way to give my body a head to toe erection?"

"Mr. Block, " he said, "there isn't enough pornography on the Internet for that.  If there were, we could have fixed your other major problem too.   At your age, I'm afraid you must resign yourself to becoming ....


And so I became.

The devastating process continued.  I had to have my clothing altered every single day. Three Jewish tailors keeled over with heart attacks from saying "So we'll take it in a little .... JESUS CHRIST!!!"

Now common everyday objects and people became gargantuan to me.  I needed two hands to lift things like the television clicker,  a spoon, a toothpick  ---  all items I could have readily lifted before with one hand, not to brag.   Danny Devito  movies played for me like Mothra

I briefly had an affair with a circus midget.   Then I had  an affair with one of the Smurfs.  Eventually I had an affair with a unicellular animal, but I broke it off because I couldn't handle the asexual reproduction.

As I shrank further and further, I realized the prospects for me were bleak.  Soon I would be infinitesimally small.  Not long after, I would be no bigger than an Italian widow. I began living in a doll's house.  It wasn't so bad, but Barbie lived in the room next door, and I wanna tell you that Ken must be one Superman; not only didn't I get any sleep, but they were constantly coming over to borrow cooking oil,  God knows why!

One day a cat attacked my doll's house.  I ran for my life into the open door to the basement and tumbled down the steps into the primeval world of the hunter-gatherer! Frankly, I thought I might have a shot at getting the hang of gathering but I knew for hunting I was going to need a gentile. 

So I hoisted myself up the laundry table to get to the basement phone to call in an ad for a hunter and had just reached the top when I saw it  --- the only thing with eight legs I fear more than the law firm of Mishkin, Mishkin, Rothman, & Butz! Frankly I'm terrified of spiders even when I have the height advantage.  Now a monstrous beast loomed before me as huge and massive in size as Newt Gingrich's head!   

I prayed for a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand to materialize and dispatch the behemoth.  But there's never a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand around when you need one.  What are all the enormous hands doing all the time,  eating donuts with cops?

Then I spied my only salvation: there on the table with the dirty clothes was a pin! I hurled myself forward and grabbed the pin and thrust it into the creature just as it descended upon me. 

"I've got you, you big disgusting, ugly, hairy monster!"

I couldn't believe a spider could be so insulting.  Or talk, even.

But the pin got him, thankfully.  Now I continued to get even smaller.   I could no longer be seen by the naked eye, let alone a fully clothed and tastefully appointed eye I walked through the basement and towards the grates that led to the outside, confident that there certainly wouldn't be any bugs out there to bother me.

Suddenly I knew that the infinitesimal and the infinite were really two ends of the same concept.  The unbelievably small and the unbelievably vast eventually meet --- and work hand-in-hand to screw me, as usual. I looked up at the firmament, the stars, God's silver tapestry spread across the night.  Bad weather for golf tomorrow for sure,  I'd have to remember to cancel my scheduled match with Daniel Radcliffe.

And I felt my body dwindling, melting, becoming nothing.  Bet those Jewish tailors would really be freaking out to see me now!  And then I realized, it all had to mean something.  And I meant something too. Yes, smaller than the smallest zero,  I meant something too.  To God, there is no zero.

I still exist. 

And you know what?  It isn't so bad down here after all.

Believe it or not, there's chicks!  


For the ending to the original movie, which I have also somewhat ripped off above,  click here.  It isn't a great copy, but then this isn't such a great parody either!

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