Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Incredible Shrinking Jew

(Dedicated to the science fiction classic "The Incredible Shrinking Man"  of which it is a total rip-off.)

At first I thought perhaps it was caused by the blast from a bizarre radioactive cloud  that I encountered while on a boat I was sailing off the coast of California. 

But that wasn't likely. I don't sail, I get nauseous on boats, and I live in Havertown PA which is 3,000 miles from California. 

And yet I seemed to be smaller in size. My shirt and my jeans were becoming too large for me. Damn that drier, it's supposed to shrink stuff, not make it bigger! 

I continued losing stature. Soon I was staring eye to eye with people who had always been shorter than I was and losing hundreds of dollars because in a staring contest I'm always the first one to giggle.
I went to see Dr. Simpkin.
“Perry,” he intoned  “you are shrinking. You are now 5'7'' tall."

"Dr. Simpkin, that means I've shrunk seven whole inches!"

"No, it means you've shrunk three inches. Stop trying to make a better story by inflating your original height."

"But what's causing it, Doctor? A radioactive cloud left over from 1950's nuclear testing?"

"Again with the making a better story? 
 No, you’re a 67 year old guy with a spine like a parabola.”

No one tops Dr. Simpkin for bedside manner. 

And so I became.

The devastating process continued.

I had to have my clothing altered every day. Three individual Jewish tailors suffered heart attacks from months of saying "So we'll take it in a little ... JESUS CHRIST!!!"

Now common everyday objects became gargantuan to me. I needed two hands to lift things like the television clicker, a spoon, and a toothpick - all items I could have readily lifted before with one hand, not to brag.

Danny DeVito movies played for me like Mothra.

I briefly had an affair with a circus midget. Then I had an affair with one of the Smurfs. Eventually I had an affair with a unicellular animal, but I broke it off because I couldn't handle the asexual reproduction.

One day a cat attacked me and I ran into an open door to the basement, tumbling down the steps into the primeval world of the hunter-gatherer! I thought I might have a shot at getting the hang of gathering as long as it didn’t involve matching socks. 

But hunting?

It’s not that I don’t like the Second Amendment. In fact, it’s my favorite misinterpreted amendment to the Constitution.

Then I saw it! The only thing with eight legs I fear more than the law firm of Mishkin, Mishkin, Rothman, & Butz! Frankly I'm terrified of spiders even when I have the height advantage, but now a monstrous beast loomed before me as huge and massive as Newt Gingrich's head!

I prayed for a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand to materialize and dispatch the behemoth, but there's never a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand around when you need one. What are all the enormous hands doing all the time, eating donuts with cops?

Then I spied my only salvation: there on the table with the dirty clothes was a pin! I hurled myself forward and grabbed the pin and thrust it into the creature just as it descended upon me.

"I've got you, you big disgusting, ugly, hairy monster!"

I couldn't believe a spider could be so insulting. Or talk, even.

Now I continued to get even smaller. I could no longer be seen by the naked eye, let alone a fully clothed and tastefully appointed eye. 

I walked through the basement and through the grates that led to the outside.
Suddenly I knew that the infinitesimal and the infinite were really two ends of the same concept. The unbelievably small and the unbelievably vast eventually meet - and work hand-in-hand to screw me, as usual. 

I looked up at the firmament, the stars, and God’s silver tapestry spread across the night. Bad weather for golf tomorrow for sure, I’d have to remember to cancel my scheduled match with Daniel Radcliffe.

And I felt my body dwindling, melting, and becoming nothing. Wonder what those Jewish tailors would say now. And then I realized, it all had to mean something. And I meant something too. Yes, smaller than the smallest zero, I meant something too. To God, there is no zero.

I still exist. 

And you know what? It isn't so bad down here after all.

Believe it or not, there's women!  


For the ending to the original movie,  click here.  Sorry, it isn't a great copy, but did I charge you anything for any of this?

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