Wednesday, May 16, 2018

The Book of Genesis as Condensed and Revised for Humanists

1) In the beginning a burst of intense energy and an explosion of particle matter created the Sun and the Earth among billions of other celestial bodies throughout the known universe.

2)  And the Earth was without form and void and the Rotation of the Earth around the Sun, as personified such that it hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let there be light” and there was light.

3) And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically saw it was good: and the Rotation of the Earth divided the light from the darkness. And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically called the light Day, and the darkness Night.

4) And the evening and the morning of countless eons upon eons as condensed into one week for the purpose of understanding the proportionality of time were the first Suppositional Day.

5) And the operating principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil   
Erosion, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the  capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together unto one place (Editor’s Note: “one place” was originally used for simplicity's  sake; actually ”multiple places”), and let the dry land appear, and metaphorically called the dry land Earth and the gathering together of the waters called Seas.

6) And the Operating Principles above metaphorically saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the second Suppositional Day. 

7) And the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Botany, Zoology, Cetology, Ichthyology, and Ornithology), as personified such they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech, sight, and the blessing of  living things, metaphorically said, “Let the earth and the waters bring forth grass and the fruit tree, the moving creatures that hath life, fowl that  fly above the earth, and beasts of the field and metaphorically blessed them, metaphorically saying “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and multiply on the earth.”

8) And Process of Evolution above metaphorically saw that it was good. And the evenings and the mornings were the third, fourth and fifth Suppositional Days.

9) And on the sixth Suppositional Day, the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Psychology, Sociology, and Human Sexuality as researched by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of creation, speech, sight, and the blessing of living things, metaphorically created man and woman in an image patterned after no one in particular, metaphorically blessed them, and metaphorically said onto them:“Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth!” 

10) And on the seventh Suppositional Day, all the above forces, as personified such that they all hypothetically possessed the capability to rest, metaphorically got all comfy, shut their eyes, and went to sleep.

11) Which particular concept, even metaphorically, is nuts!


And for more expert Biblical commentary, please turn to Page 1 in your Prayer Books and read silently while I read aloud.

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