Here I am at my very last show. This is a moment, all right. Let me compose myself for the occasion.
God, I'm so sick of this fucking gig!
God, I'm so sick of this fucking gig!
This will be the last time I'll ever hear Johnny Gilbert warble
"This is Jeopardy!"
Thank God! The old drunk, how does a guy make a career out of saying three words, and overacting on two of them? And when is he going to retire, when his larynx actually implodes and takes out half the audience?
You know what else I won't miss? The ridiculous premise of the show! Jeopardy gives you the "answer" and you come up with the "question?" REALLY? That's been nonsensical since Art Fleming was in knickers! All you actually do is slap an arbitrary "What is" on whatever handful of words you have to say in order to not lose control of the board.
If the category is "Revolutionary Adjectives," who would respond to a Jeopardy clue like "the Guillotine" with the question "What is bloody?" In the real world if you were asked "What is bloody?" you would probably answer something like "the time of the month I can't get it on with my wife," not "the Guillotine."
Check it out, people!
And I'll tell you what else is stupid: the Daily Double. When you land on a normal space on the board you immediately know the clue and amount of money at stake. Hit the Daily Double and you know neither! "That's a True Daily Double" I intone enthusiastically to the contestant seeking to double his money when what I mean is "That's a True Moron, risking it all on a clue that might conceivably reduce Ken Jennings to a blubbering idiot."
For all the feigned intellectuality Jeopardy brings to the tube, it sure as hell doesn't bring any sartorial splendor. Who developed the dress code for this show - the cast of Hee Haw?
None of our contestants ever seems to know how to put a shirt together with a sweater that doesn't leave you feeling like you've just dropped acid. Just look at these three tonight: Our champion is wearing a shirt so heavily stained it could be pressed into service as a tablecloth in an Italian restaurant, the challenger in the middle is an over aged lady wearing enough jewelry to populate the tombs of a half dozen Egyptian potentates, and the porky guy on the end is sporting a paisley vest that makes him look like a gay hippopotamus.
Some people say I'm a little cold. They say I don't smile enough, that I'm not sympathetic to the feelings of kids on Jeopardy Teen Tournaments, and that I have no interest in the life stories of the contestants. Yep, right on all counts!
After 30 years, how could I possibly give a crap that our champion met his wife over an award-winning Mud Cake with Gummy Worms at a Pillsbury Bake-off in Wichita, Kansas or that Junior here took a break from masturbating to build a robot whose primary functionality is masturbating? Like I’m ever going to see these people again after I finish pretending to be listening to their palaver at show's end?
Frankly I'm only interested in the contestants with big boobs. I'd love to go into Final Jeopardy with any one of them.
I wonder what Pat Sajak is thinking about my retiring. I hate that stupid smiley faced simp! I can't believe the guy was once actually given a late night talk show. He pulls down a talk show, I get Colonial Penn Life Insurance! He got to chat up Paris Hilton, I’m hanging with lunch ladies obsessed with burial costs.
And, trust me, the Colonial Penn benefit stinks. It's not enough to bury a flea.
I guess the funniest thing is the way so many people think I know all the answers on Jeopardy. Ha! Except for Potent Potables, I hardly know any. My mustache is smarter than I am; when I shave it I can barely make it to the studio and back.
I wonder what retirement is going to be like.
The Jeopardy Clue: Another reason I can't believe I ever found that shrew appealing before I wound up home all the time!
The correct Jeopardy Question: What is "Leave the goddamn toilet seat down, jerk!"
See, folks? There's another example of the ridiculous premise of the show!