Tuesday, December 30, 2014

You Say You Want a Resolution Part II

Have You Made Your List Yet?

Herein my list of resolutions for the New Year.   Have you made yours yet?   

Then what are you going to feel guilty about this time next year?


1) I will live bold, fearless, and unafraid.  I'd like to talk to you about it but you scare me. 

2) I will live outside my comfort zone at all times, my comfort zone being the hall bathroom.

3) I will begin to more prudently invest my money, starting with moving it out from inside my mattress.

4) I will hang with hot super models, including all the really hot super model trucks from Revell and Motor World. 

5) I will become totally gender neutral in my treatment of others, both men and babes alike.

6) I will visit the Philadelphia Art Museum often, because it's warm there.

7) I will make some new friends to compensate for the friends I have alienated this past year and then alienate them too.

8) I will get over my inferiority complex such that I will truly believe in myself, even though I am inferior.

9) I will be slow to criticize others unless they are standing on my foot.

10) I resolve to Carpe Diem each and every single day of my life! Also to take a long nap every day.

11)  I will only drink juice with no sugar added.  I'm getting enough sugar from my carton of Coke a day anyway. 

12) I resolve to stop procrastinating just as soon as I finish all my other resolutions.

13) I resolve that I will resign as President of the "Bill Cosby-America's Dad Association."

14) I will stop using the word "fuck" because it cheapens modern day discourse and shows a lack of creativity in usage of  the English language. However I will use "fucking" as much as possible. 

15) I will read all the plays authored by the great William Shakespeare right after I read a very credible article that convinces me that the great William Shakespeare didn't actually author any.

16) I will watch less television and spend less time on Twitter and will use the time I have saved doing drugs.

17) I will ask Seth Rogen and James Franco if they have any good non-offensive ideas for my blog.  

18) I will try to engage someone of an opposing political point of view in a meaningful, respectful, and constructive dialogue, even though most people of an opposing political viewpoint are idiots. 

19)  I will not make fun of the names Han Solo, Peter Parker, Jack Johnson,  or Hugh Jackman in the new year, so I'm going to go crazy making fun of them through midnight tomorrow night.

20) I will shop exclusively at Whole Foods from now on, not because I give a damn about healthy eating but because I'm much more likely to find well-preseved women my age there than at Super Fresh or Acme.

Have a Great New Year, Everyone!



Anonymous said...

Please, make this your top New year's resolution:.
Repeat after me.

I promise not to make any more New Year's resolutions.

Happy New Year. Randy

Perry Block said...

Or at least not to make any real ones. Thanks, Randy, and have a great holiday there in the village!

Anonymous said...

Good luck with that!

Russell said...

Very ambitious goals, Perry. It should be pretty easy to go 0 for 20 on this list. I like the one about the well-preserved women. They are building a Whole Foods store here which will open next summer. Most of our Walmart SuperCenter girls are in the 280 lb. class range.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Patti, have a great New Year!

Perry Block said...

The Whole Foods is pretty much the only one I think I have a shot at. Then again it is a whole half a block out of the way. Have a great new year, Russell, with lots of successful comedy to come!

P.S. Joshi said...

Have a great 2015, Perry. You never disappoint. I was laughing out loud. :) --- Suzanne

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Suzanne! I'm so glad you like. Have a Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

"well-preseved women your age..." hmmm does mummification count? lol happy new year, Perry! Thanks for being your hilarious self. Have an awesome 2015. K.Z.

Perry Block said...

And thanks for being your grisly self, kz! I never realized before how "mummification" fits both our images. Have a great and very successsful new year, you deserve i!