Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Best Fertilizer in England


"It's the best fertilizer in all England, and we're proud it's produced right here in Lloyd's Crossing!"

"You should be, Mr. Watkins!  We wouldn't purchase any other for our string of nurseries. What's your secret?"

"It's a bit unusual, Mr. Soames.  Every day all the townsfolk in Lloyd's Crossing are required to scrape up and carefully collect everything they've dumped out of their ..."

"What?"

"As I was saying, every man, woman, and child must take their dumpings and store them, usually in a box kept in their bedrooms."

"But that can't be!"

"Why not?  And at the end of the week, the family lumps it all together, wraps it in a big package often with a pretty bow, and walks it over to the company."

"Think I'm gonna be sick ...."

"Why?"

"You ... you ... collect all your shit to make fertilizer?!!"

"No, spare change we dump out of our pockets. To buy supplies."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you won't poo poo my little tale this week for the Friday Fictioneers.  I've tried very hard not to make it stink. 

If you do think it smells a bit, however,  please feel free to click on this highly sanitized link for the other Friday Fictioneers, who may greet you with blood, mayhem, and gore, but hopefully very little BM.  Or Number 2.  Or doo-doo.  Or whatever other discrete and more socially acceptable term you prefer to call it.

Hope your week ahead isn't a shitty one!   Bye.

40 comments:

sorchiadubois said...

Delicately put--OK, not so delicately, but nicely done.

Sandra Crook said...

Where DO you get your inspiration? It's an original take, I'll give you that. :)

Adam Ickes said...

Nice twist. At least it wasn't the other way around!

helenahannbasquiat said...

For some reason, I want to hear a snooty French voice. "No, you imbecile. Spare change. We collect ze spare change! For ze supplies!"

Perry Block said...

Thank you. Yes, I thought everything came out well. BADA BOOM!

Perry Block said...

You can imagine, I guess, in what room I get my best inspiration.

Perry Block said...

Yeah, I was really taking about the dumpings we leave on the bureau each night. And the spare change too! BADA BING!

Perry Block said...

French would have been a nice touch, darling. Merde, I wish I'd thought of that!

Russell said...

Oh, piss bucket boy! Remember that line from "History of the World, Part I?" You and I are both pretty good at manufacturing fertilizer. Want to come over this weekend and help me clean the chamber pot?

janet said...

Definitely the most original take this week, Perry, although where they're taking it, I don't know. Sort of a crappy story, though.

janet

Perry Block said...

Actually I don't, but it sounds like something you might have crocheted on a a pillow. And how did you know I'm routinely called "Piss Bucket Bloy?"

Perry Block said...

Yes, Janet, I kept changing the language back and forth to be more explicit, less explicit, more closely or less closely parallel "dumping" with "dumping change out of your pocket," and so forth and this is what I wound up with. Sigh. It's what I saw when I looked at the prompt. At least I didn't smell it.

camgal said...

Your take almost had me rolling, haha very original :)

Perry Block said...

Well, rolling is better than grimacing ....

kindredspirit23 said...

Very original and totally caught me off-guard - good for you!

Perry Block said...

Thank you. It's always good when fecal matter catches you off-guard!

theeclecticeccentricshopaholic said...

hahaha i was ready to comment: a big fat "ewwwww" so im happy with the ending. however, the damage has been done. the image of the whole family's collected crap wrapped in a pretty bow has been imprinted on my brain. haha :)

Atreyee said...

Ha!ha!Perry you really led us a merry dance up the **** creek-thank God for the "change" ;-)Very enjoyable!

helenmidgley said...

Hee, Hee great job :)

Perry Block said...

Sorry to have crapped out on you, KZ. But if it's any consolation, I think wrapping a bow around collected crap would be lovely as well!

Perry Block said...

Nice wordplay there! A fitting postscript to a disgusting post ....

Perry Block said...

And don't forget, it is the best fertilizer in England!

amyreesewrites.com said...

BADA BOOM! You totally had me. People do need to get their shit together, don't they? You're funny.

Samriddhi Mukherjee said...

Hilarious as always. You do have the most original ideas! :D

http://atpixiehollow.wordpress.com/

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

Dear Perry,

A worthy deposit from our resident A.K. Beep bap didem dadum wadum POO.

Shalom,

Rochelle

Perry Block said...

Thanks! A lot of people think my ideas are shit!

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Rochelle! Uhhh, what's an A.K.?

Perry Block said...

I try, Amy. I try.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

Seriously? An Alta Kocker. Maybe it's just KC Jews but it's been shortened to AK

Perry Block said...

I AM NOT THAT! I AM YOUNG! I AM A KID!!!! I AM MOST DECIDEDLY NOT THAT!!!!!!!

And I would spell it with a "c" --- alta cocker.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

You aren't that much older than me. You must know that I'm just giving you shit for shat. ;) AC doesn't have the same ring to it.

Perry Block said...

Perhaps not, but I've never seen AK before.

Shit for shat? Well, how much shat do you want for my shit?

Björn said...

Ha.. yes you got me there... little boxes indeed.

Perry Block said...

Thanks! For you and me it probably would have taken big boxes indeed.

P.S. Joshi said...

Very funny and well-written story, Perry. The comments were just as funny. I laughed out loud.

elmowrites said...

Your fertilizer folks would do well out of my husband - he hates loose change and always passes it on to yours truly. I'm not sure I'd be so happy about giving it away as to wrap it with a bow though!!!

Perry Block said...

So glad you did. Thanks for commenting.

Perry Block said...

He hates loose change? Maybe he'd be happier with the other stuff wrapped in a bow? Thanks for writing!

nanclairefalkner said...

Dear Perry, You are SICK, SICK, SICK, with a great sense of humor. I wonder if they used pastel color toilet paper for the bow. I haven't seen this stuff for a long time. I remember TP'n kids houses in grade school using colored toilet paper. How pretty until the rain hit!

Perry Block said...

I think since there's change inside they might use just a regular bow. The poop bags used at other fertilizer companies are wrapped with colored toilet paper. Brown colored toilet paper. Because it hides any stains so that the paper can be used for bows and reused when company comes over. Now that's SICK! And thanks for the nice compliment.