By all accounts it is the No. 1 phobia among people who have phobias, and it's sure Number 1 with me too.
Noiseless patient? No, terrifying horrifying! And evil as well.
I don't like spiders. I don't like them so much I don't even like Spider-Man. I would never touch a spider. If I have to take on a spider in hand-to-hand combat, I first wad up enough toilet paper to wipe an elephant's butt. Spiders are beneficial because they eat other bugs? Well, I'm rooting for the other bugs!
Now at long last there's hope for all of us who view spiders as nothing less than the Nazis of the Insect World! (and yes, I know they're not insects). Last week I dialed the new number 1 800 888-8888 and an official sounding voice answered:
How may we help you?
"Thank God!" I cried into the phone. "I have a spider here, a great big one!"
"How big, sir?"
"This is a spider whose mother must have intermarried with a bear!"
"Is there more than one spider, sir?"
"Well, he...he may have an accomplice, I'm not sure. They might have a getaway spider nearby too!"
"How many spiders are there, sir?
"Officer, I don't know! I've a feeling there are more legs in my house right now than on stage at the Christmas Show at Radio City Music Hall!"
"Calm down, sir! We know they're disgusting, but pull yourself together."
"I can't! I've got Aragog in the next room, and he's smelling fresh Jew meat!"
"Sir, one more question: are you absolutely sure you haven't mistaken sock lint on the carpet for a spider?"
"My sock lint doesn't lick its chops when it looks at me!"
"All right,sir, I'm dispatching a team of crack spider assassins to your house right now!"
"And they'll kill the spiders humanely?"
"Of course not! These are spiders. We make sure they suffer!"
Within minutes, the Spider Police were at my door, one ex-marine and a former serial killer from Maine. They explained that depending on size, position, and how scared the two of them get when they see the spiders, they destroy the creatures through a combination of martial arts, tactical nuclear weapons, and showing the spiders pictures of how they (the spiders) actually look.
That stops even their hearts too.
We prayed together, the Spider Police entered the room, and I heard the sounds of scuffling and screams, then gunshots. One of the men poked his head out of the door and asked me to wad up toilet paper thick enough to wipe an elephant's butt.
When it was over, the Spider Police emerged with a spider carcass the size of
a computer chip. Its reign of terror had ended at last.
Someone in our township had a great idea when they came up with the concept for the Spider Police. True, the township has had to cut back on some other services, but if you hate spiders as much as I do I hope someday soon you too will have Spider Police where you live.
I may not speak for everyone, but I hardly even miss trash removal service and the regular police.
Tell it, Sister!