Monday, December 9, 2013

Introducing: The Spider Police

By all accounts it is the No. 1 phobia among people who have phobias, and it's sure Number 1 with me too.

Noiseless patient? No, terrifying horrifying! And evil as well.

I don't like spiders. I don't like them so much I don't even like Spider-Man.  I would never touch a spider. If I have to take on a spider in hand-to-hand combat, I first wad up enough toilet paper to wipe an elephant's butt. Spiders are beneficial because they eat other bugs? Well, I'm rooting for the other bugs!

Now at long last there's hope for all of us who view spiders as nothing less than the Nazis of the Insect World! (and yes, I know they're not insects). 
Last week I dialed the new number 1 800 888-8888 and an official sounding voice answered:

Spider Police! 
 How may we help you?

"Thank God!" I cried into the phone. "I have a spider here, a great big one!"

"How big, sir?"

"This is a spider whose mother must have intermarried with a bear!"

"Is there more than one spider, sir?"

"Well, he...he may have an accomplice, I'm not sure.  They might have a getaway spider nearby too!"

"How many spiders are there, sir?

"Officer, I don't know! I've a feeling there are more legs in my house right now than on stage at the Christmas Show at Radio City Music Hall!"

"Calm down, sir! We know they're disgusting, but pull yourself together."

"I can't! I've got Aragog in the next room, and he's smelling fresh Jew meat!"

"Sir, one more question: are you absolutely sure you haven't mistaken sock lint on the carpet for a spider?"

"My sock lint doesn't lick its chops when it looks at me!"

"All right,sir, I'm dispatching a team of crack spider assassins to your house right now!"

"And they'll kill the spiders humanely?"

"Of course not! These are spiders. We make sure they suffer!"


Within minutes, the Spider Police were at my door, one ex-marine and a former serial killer from Maine. They explained that depending on size, position, and how scared the two of them get when they see the spiders, they destroy the creatures through a combination of martial arts, tactical nuclear weapons, and showing the spiders pictures of how they (the spiders) actually look.  

That stops even their hearts too.

We prayed together, the Spider Police entered the room,  and I heard the sounds of scuffling and screams, then gunshots.  One of the men poked his head out of the door and asked me to wad up toilet paper thick enough to wipe an elephant's butt.

When it was over, the Spider Police emerged with a spider carcass the size of
a computer chip. Its reign of terror had ended at last.

Someone in our township had a great idea when they came up with the concept for the Spider Police. True, the township has had to cut back on some other services, but if you hate spiders as much as I do I hope someday soon you too will have Spider Police where you live.  

I may not speak for everyone, but I hardly even miss trash removal service and the regular police.


Tell it, Sister!


Anonymous said...

LOL....all of us arachnaphobes thank you, Perry!! Be sure to share this with KD. She LOVES spiders. Disgusting. Joy Ross Davis

N/A said...

Agreed! Hate Spiders. However the swastika on the spider was a little jarring, honestly.

Please make spider police a thing. I love animals but somehow feel so sympathy for spiders or snakes. Be gone.

Perry Block said...

I know she does and I've checked with the Spider Police and they do provide counseling. But we've got to get her to go!

Perry Block said...

I can't take credit for the spider with the swastika. The drawing is by artist/blogger Allie Brosh. I love the concept though.

You are correct about spiders and snakes, though, LadyJ. If they had any decency they'd be something cute, like puppies. If only the Spider Police did exist .....

Russell said...

My wife will post this phone number on the refrigerator and have it tatooed on her quick reference. I've never wondered until now how much toliet paper it takes to wipe an elephant's butt. I'm not sure I want to know, but I bet it keeps several paper mills busy.

Perry Block said...

Apparently this is an idea whose time has come. The only problem is where do we recruit the Spider Police? What sane person would want to do it? What's it going to pay, $250,000 a year? I'm not sure how much toilet paper it takes to wipe an elephant's butt but I'd rather be doing that for my entire career than have one hour of Spider Police duty.

Tell your wife I am someone who understands.

Anonymous said...

laughed so hard. :) hilarious. (now i know what to give you for Christmas)

injaynesworld said...

You have to remember the spider scene in the bathroom in "Annie Hall." This is hysterical. I used to be right with you on spiders, but I'm now solidly in the live-and-live-let constituent. It comes from moving from the city to the country. Where I live, the end of summer is tarantula season. Seriously. :)

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Kz! There is no need to give me a gift; you have already given me the most important gift of all, the gift of your friendship!
Actually, though, now that I think about it, I would like the cash.

Perry Block said...

Well, just forget about me coming to visit you in late August, even if you do have Tarantula Death Squads on every block. And a propos of Annie Hall, you cannot capture a spider and rehabilitate it!