Friday, August 19, 2011

An Odd One-Act Play about Michael Vick

Written, Directed, Produced, and Cast and Crew Terrorized
Perry Block

As presented on the New York Stage
at the Helen Hayes Theatre
(No truth to the rumor that Helen Hayes actually got up and walked out)

Cast of Characters

Fred Burton, Bill Grates, Alex de Rigor --- good old regular guys

Sam Mishkin --- good old regular guy who owns Comet, a dog

Comet --- a dog

Voice of Al Michaels

Mise-En-Scene: It’s a Sunday afternoon in late November 2011, and the scene is a lovely and tasteful home in the Philadelphia suburbs.  It is something like your home assuming you are a wildly out-of-control impulse buyer whenever confronted by saturation advertising from Raymour & Flanigan. 

It is, however, in fact the home of Fred Burton, who is having a few of his close friends  --- Bill Grates, Alex de Rigor, and Sam Mishkin  --- over to watch the Philadelphia Eagles take on their arch rival Dallas Cowboys.   Bill and Alex are already at Fred’s house, but Sam  has yet to arrive ….

Fred: Here it is, guys: Eagles-Cowboys!  We wait all year long for this.

Alex: Dallas, we hold you in malice!

Bill: Yeah, but I still can’t get used to Michael Vick as the Eagles quarterback. The man's a monster, let’s face it!

Fred: I know. We have to root for him, but it’s not easy.

Alex:  And you know why?  Cause we’re all dog lovers here!

Sam: (entering the house with Comet, a dog): Hey, fellas! Game just starting? Hope you don’t mind, I brought Comet!

Fred: Oh, you brought your new doggie. He’s one handsome animal! 

 Bill: I’ll say! C’mon bring him in! That’s a nice fellow.

 Alex: OK to pet him? Here, boy! Here, boy!

Comet jumps into Alex’s lap, who begins patting him vigorously. The game begins.

Al Michaels:  .... and ball is back to Michael Vick … play action …  just like Andy Reid to go for a big passing play early in the game ….

Alex: (to Comet) That’s a good boy!  Ahh, he’s licking my face!  Sweet!

Al Michaels: Michael Vick uncorks it. Perfect pass to an open DeSean Jackson, a 60-plus yard play! What a pass by Michael Vick!

FredMichael Vick rules!!!

BillNumero Uno!!! 

AlexI'll say!  What an arm!  (to Sam) .... Umm,  Sam?  Your dog’s licking me to death here.  He doesn’t have any diseases or anything, does he?

Sam(surprised) No, no .... he’s fine.

Alex: Well, it is kind of disgusting.  (to Comet) Hey, stop that, you’re slobbering all over me! 

Sam: (really surprised) I’m sorry, Alex. Comet, don’t do that; come over by me ....

Fred:   Yo, Sam! That’s a new carpet where you’re sitting! I don’t want smelly dog hair all over my Raymour & Flanigan Persian Influence Area Rug!

Sam: I'll take him over by the table ....

Bill: Whoa!!!  Fred, your Raymour & Flanigan accent table lamp and silk floral arrangement!  The canine'll knock 'em  over and smash 'em!

 Sam: No, he won’t …

Fred: He’s not going to drool, is he?

 Al Michaels: What’s this?!! Vick fumbles on the two yard line! And the ball is recovered by …. Dallas!

Fred:  Damn that Vick!!!  

BillOverrated loser!!! 

 Alex: (to Comet) Isn’t he a pretty?  Isn’t he a pretty?   Yes, he is! Yes, he is!

Bill: Looks like a good strong dog too. Maybe during halftime we can take Comet outside for a catch. Got any treats to reward him?

Sam: (now really, really surprised) Well, yes, I normally bring a few. But I thought…

Alex:   .... Yes, he is!  Yes, he is!

Fred:  Going away sometime, Sam?  My family'll watch Comet --- we’ll love him to pieces!  Comet, come nuzzle with Uncle Fred! (whistles).    

Comet runs over to Fred and jumps up on the sofa where Fred is sitting.

Al Michaels: And the Cowboys are marching down the field and …. Interception!  Eagles’ ball!  Mike Vick and the offense coming back on the field.

Fred:  (to Comet)  That’s it, boy!  Woof, woof, woof!!!

Al Michaels:  And Vick breaks right through!  A super spectacular running play!

Bill and Alex:   Michael Vick, you rock!!!

Fred:  He sure does and  …. Oh my God, Sam, get your dog offa me!!  I can’t have a mutt shedding on my new Raymour & Flanigan Kathy Ireland Collection Pastel Pattern Sleep Sofa! 

Bill: And what if he shits! I hate when that happens!

Alex: I’ll bet he has fleas too!

Sam: This is ridiculous! C’mon Comet, we’re outta here!

Sam, with Comet in tow, hastily departs. 

Fred: Sam? Sam? What’s with Sam, guys? He’s acting weird!

Alex: Go figure!

Bill: Maybe he doesn't like Raymour & Flanigan.

Al Michaels: …. and Vick is thrown for a loss! Terrible play!

Fred, Bill, and Alex:  Michael Vick, you suck!!!

Fred: Y’know, I don’t mind Sam leaving, but I’m sure gonna miss that cutie Comet!

Bill: Me too!

Alex: And you know why? Cause we’re all dog lovers here!

The End


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