An Odd One-Act Play about Michael Vick

                    

Written, Directed, Produced, and Cast and Crew Terrorized
 by
Perry Block

As presented on the New York Stage
at the Helen Hayes Theatre
(No truth to the rumor that Helen Hayes actually got up and walked out)


Cast of Characters

Fred Burton, Bill Grates, Alex de Rigor --- good old regular guys

Sam Mishkin --- good old regular guy who owns Comet, a dog

Comet --- a dog

Voice of Al Michaels


Mise-En-Scene: It’s a Sunday afternoon in late November 2011, and the scene is a lovely and tasteful home in the Philadelphia suburbs.  It is something like your home assuming you are a wildly out-of-control impulse buyer whenever confronted by saturation advertising from Raymour & Flanigan. 

It is, however, in fact the home of Fred Burton, who is having a few of his close friends  --- Bill Grates, Alex de Rigor, and Sam Mishkin  --- over to watch the Philadelphia Eagles take on their arch rival Dallas Cowboys.   Bill and Alex are already at Fred’s house, but Sam  has yet to arrive ….


Fred: Here it is, guys: Eagles-Cowboys!  We wait all year long for this.

Alex: Dallas, we hold you in malice!

Bill: Yeah, but I still can’t get used to Michael Vick as the Eagles quarterback. The man's a monster, let’s face it!

Fred: I know. We have to root for him, but it’s not easy.

Alex:  And you know why?  Cause we’re all dog lovers here!

Sam: (entering the house with Comet, a dog): Hey, fellas! Game just starting? Hope you don’t mind, I brought Comet!

Fred: Oh, you brought your new doggie. He’s one handsome animal! 

 Bill: I’ll say! C’mon bring him in! That’s a nice fellow.

 Alex: OK to pet him? Here, boy! Here, boy!

Comet jumps into Alex’s lap, who begins patting him vigorously. The game begins.

Al Michaels:  .... and ball is back to Michael Vick … play action …  just like Andy Reid to go for a big passing play early in the game ….

Alex: (to Comet) That’s a good boy!  Ahh, he’s licking my face!  Sweet!

Al Michaels: Michael Vick uncorks it. Perfect pass to an open DeSean Jackson, a 60-plus yard play! What a pass by Michael Vick!

Fred:  Michael Vick rules!!!

Bill:  Numero Uno!!! 

Alex:  I'll say!  What an arm!  (to Sam) .... Umm,  Sam?  Your dog’s licking me to death here.  He doesn’t have any diseases or anything, does he?

Sam: (surprised) No, no .... he’s fine.

Alex: Well, it is kind of disgusting.  (to Comet) Hey, stop that, you’re slobbering all over me! 

Sam: (really surprised) I’m sorry, Alex. Comet, don’t do that; come over by me ....

Fred:   Yo, Sam! That’s a new carpet where you’re sitting! I don’t want smelly dog hair all over my Raymour & Flanigan Persian Influence Area Rug!

Sam: I'll take him over by the table ....

Bill: Whoa!!!  Fred, your Raymour & Flanigan accent table lamp and silk floral arrangement!  The canine'll knock 'em  over and smash 'em!

 Sam: No, he won’t …

Fred: He’s not going to drool, is he?

 Al Michaels: What’s this?!! Vick fumbles on the two yard line! And the ball is recovered by …. Dallas!

Fred:  Damn that Vick!!!  

Bill:  Overrated loser!!! 

 Alex: (to Comet) Isn’t he a pretty?  Isn’t he a pretty?   Yes, he is! Yes, he is!

Bill: Looks like a good strong dog too. Maybe during halftime we can take Comet outside for a catch. Got any treats to reward him?

Sam: (now really, really surprised) Well, yes, I normally bring a few. But I thought…

Alex:   .... Yes, he is!  Yes, he is!

Fred:  Going away sometime, Sam?  My family'll watch Comet --- we’ll love him to pieces!  Comet, come nuzzle with Uncle Fred! (whistles).    

Comet runs over to Fred and jumps up on the sofa where Fred is sitting.

Al Michaels: And the Cowboys are marching down the field and …. Interception!  Eagles’ ball!  Mike Vick and the offense coming back on the field.

Fred:  (to Comet)  That’s it, boy!  Woof, woof, woof!!!

Al Michaels:  And Vick breaks right through!  A super spectacular running play!

Bill and Alex:   Michael Vick, you rock!!!

Fred:  He sure does and  …. Oh my God, Sam, get your dog offa me!!  I can’t have a mutt shedding on my new Raymour & Flanigan Kathy Ireland Collection Pastel Pattern Sleep Sofa! 

Bill: And what if he shits! I hate when that happens!

Alex: I’ll bet he has fleas too!

Sam: This is ridiculous! C’mon Comet, we’re outta here!

Sam, with Comet in tow, hastily departs. 

Fred: Sam? Sam? What’s with Sam, guys? He’s acting weird!

Alex: Go figure!

Bill: Maybe he doesn't like Raymour & Flanigan.

Al Michaels: …. and Vick is thrown for a loss! Terrible play!

Fred, Bill, and Alex:  Michael Vick, you suck!!!

Fred: Y’know, I don’t mind Sam leaving, but I’m sure gonna miss that cutie Comet!

Bill: Me too!

Alex: And you know why? Cause we’re all dog lovers here!

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to Care for Your Farbman Woolly Mammoth

Your Farbman Woolly Mammoth will come when you call him.

We think.

Welcome and Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of a wonderful new household pet for you and your family known as a Woolly Mammoth.  

Your Woolly Mammoth has been cloned for you by Farbman Inc.,  Cloners of Fine Quality Mammals Since 2011. 

You will find that your Farbman Woolly Mammoth will make a superb companion and great watch animal, at least so far as we’re able to tell right now with the absolute dearth of information we have. 

 

Your Complete Owner’s Manual

This hastily assembled manual will tell you everything you need to know about the care and handling of your Farbman Woolly Mammoth --- at least so far as we’re able to tell right now with the absolute dearth of information we have.

We recommend you read it thoroughly and keep it handy by placing it directly on the body of your Mammoth, but not anywhere such that when you dislodge it for review purposes your Mammoth is seized with an overwhelming urge to breed.

 

History of Your Pet

In 2010, Professor Lance Lewitsky of the the University of Havertown PA made the discovery of a lifetime while on an anthropological dig in Siberia. Professor Lewitsky discovered that it is extremely cold in Siberia and that for the most part, he didn’t like it.

He also discovered the extremely well-preserved remains of an over 10,000 year old Woolly Mammoth, which he and members of his team came to refer to as Zsa Zsa. 

Determining the mammoth's genetic material was intact, Professor Lewitsky contacted the University’s Department of Opportunistic Scientists, and Zsa Zsa’s DNA was promptly decoded for cloning purposes and a weekend geek-lark. 

Feeding

You will need a very large bowl. Unless you are a member of the kitchen staff of New Jersey Governor Christie, look for an abandoned satellite dish at your town’s dump or steal some neighbor’s above ground swimming pool and turn it upside down. 

Woolly Mammoths are herbivores. We think. 

Fill the bowl with whatever you can find outside that’s green, such as grass, bushes, plants, the siding on your house, members of the Green Bay Packers, or actor Seth Green.  Especially actor Seth Green.

Do this 7 to 8 times a day or until your Mammoth indicates satiation by tusk-nudging you towards the ice cream.

Exercise

Your Mammoth must be walked in the wee small hours of the morning each and every day of the year regardless of the degree to which the blood in your veins  turns into the type of dark cherry water ice the high school girl at Rita’s is always saying about  “Sorry, sir! It’s just too frozen to scoop!” 

You will no doubt encounter many of your neighbors all walking their mundane doggie-woggies. These are the same people who’ve been looking down their noses at you for years, convinced you’re not good enough for the neighborhood. 

And now, at last you have them!

Sidle on over to the snooty Mrs. Goldstein and let her know that while your pet’s heritage harkens back to the days of the earliest cave paintings of Regis Philbin in France, her poodle’s genesis extends as far back as puberty for the last designated Disney Princess. 

Inform that blowhard Al Cowan that while his border collie begins to shake and quiver at the mere mention of the name Michael Vick, yesterday your pet ate Michael Vick. 

Make sure Jennifer Horowitz, the still hot 40-something divorcee, knows that when your pet marks off territory the upper boundary is in New Hampshire while when her schnauzer does the same, the northernmost boundary is your shoe.

Grooming

Select a gentle but powerful shampoo.  A good choice is “Head, Tusk, & Shoulders.” 

Lather, rinse, repeat. Then lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, then .... 

Next, you are going to need a comb, brush, eight or nine foot long hair dryer, and 400 rollers.  Allot the remainder of the week. 

House Breaking

Yes. Almost certainly.

Breeding

Look for another Mammoth that’s really cute --- but if not, at least one that’s fair to middling with a good personality. Whether or not the family has money or is Jewish is optional and up to you.

That’s about all we’ve got for you here. We really don’t want to have to watch what happens next. 

You're kind of on your own.

Conclusion

By following the few simple guidelines above, you and your Farbman Woolly Mammoth should enjoy years of happiness and companionship together! We think.

But please don't call us. There is no help desk.  There are masses of Mammoth poop though.

Because at Farbman Inc. --- Cloners of Fine Quality Mammals Since 2011 --- we can’t even find our own building!

~~~~~~~~~~~~