Monday, August 29, 2011

Indiana Jones and the Lost Café at Borders

Lost Cafe at Borders!


Quickbreath High Concept Cinema Consulting
High Concept E-Mail

From: Sidney Quickbreath
To: Mel Greenglass, President Sparkle Entertainments
Re:  Smokin' Hot Concept for the Indy Jones Franchise!  
Date: April 25, 2087

MG, I have truly outdone myself this time!

Which isn’t easy, because outdoing myself anymore is causing myself to be really pissed off at the rest of me!

I have come up, MG, with a fresh and original concept for the Indiana Jones franchise as we prepare to make our 37th entry in the series.

It will well complement the last three smash hit installments: 

Indiana Jones and the Lost City of New Brunswick NJ,

Indiana Jones and the Lost Car Keys of Murray Blitzstein, and

Indiana Jones and the Lost Building Fund of Temple Boray Perry Hagulfin

The film will be entitled:

Indiana Jones and the Lost Cafe at Borders! 

Here’s the high concept, MG:

My meticulous and painstaking research on Wikipedia has indicated that many years ago there existed places called brook stores where contraptions called brooks were sold.  Brooks  had words printed on paper stuck inside them, and people actually read these brooks just as if they were Kindle Plus 473s, Kardashians, or SituationSnooki11’s!

The most fabled among the brook stores was  a place called Borders, probably because it was usually bordered on both sides by a Starbucks Coffee. Sometime in 2011 all the Borders mysteriously vanished! The fossil record is unclear, but we believe they were destroyed either by a natural catastrophe, climate stasis, or some man named Jonathan Franzen.

We just don’t know!

Inside each Borders was a hidden sanctuary where people drank coffee and lattes, ate muffins and scones, and thought and talked about smart stuff --- really smart stuff like the capitals of the fifty-some states of the Union! Legend has it that the awesome power that gave rise to the smart stuff was in the lattes!

Or maybe the scones.

You see, MG, in this way we keep the audience in a state of heightened suspense throughout the entire picture!

And now Indy must outwit an army of neo-Nazis intent on being the first to discover the Lost Café at Borders, learn the secrets of the lattes/scones, and use them to clone Hitler, but this time with a much better mustache!

In this desperate race against time, Indy will be aided by:

a sexy but high-spirited female archeologist who at first dismissively and condescendingy trades jab for jab with Indy but later chooses to leave all the jabbing (wink, wink, MG!) exclusively to Indy. BTW, MG, our female archaeologist will have breasts so large she wouldn’t be able to excavate Stonehenge without knocking a good third of  it down!

an  adorable,  wise-cracking, backwards-baseball-cap wearing 11 year old street urchin  whose precocious witticisms and plucky determination will steal your heart!  So I suggest you and I leave ours home in the safe, MG, before we attend the premiere!

a mischievous,  curly tailed,  tree-climbin',  banana chompin' wooly monkey who’s equally adept at bedeviling Indy with his wacky laugh-a-minute antics as he is at annihilating neo-Nazis with a flying electric chain saw as he merrily hurls guts and gore directly at the audience in a SuperDynamo 8D Effect so superbly revolting that they'll  never get the blood stains out of their collective cheap ass clothing!

I know what you’re thinking, MG.  Is Harrison Ford up for going through the motions once again of yet another of these formulaic romps whose freshness seal was well past its expiration date when Steven Spielberg was still married to Amy Irving?

Dude, any 147 year old guy who thinks a dippy little earring is going to make him attractive to the opposite sex will be less than primordial putty in our skillful little overreaching hands!

As usual, the film will be shot by Sparkle Entertaiments in association with Fu Yen Pictures, a Division of Fu Yen Behemoth Financial, Inc., Trustee-in-Bankruptcy for the United States of America, a Country,  in coordination with the Rancid Organization and Quickbreath High Concept Cinema Consulting.

I can see it up in lights now:

Indiana Jones and the Lost Café at Borders!  

That is,  in somebody's den lights shining on their just purchased obscenely overpriced Blue Ray,  Holographic Sheen-Lohan, or HypnocentricPresidentRickPerry Mindplop!

Who knows? It might even spark a whole new interest in excavating these Borders places.

And I think that would be cool.

After all, I’ve never even seen a brook!



Lexi said...

Tell me, Perry, do many readers find your blog via the labels?

true Karen Allen is still adorable but a bit too old and flat-chested, what are we gonna do now eat scones and muffins in the free library? probably requires an infinite number of monkeys at a matching number of keyboards for a jolly long time.

Perry Block said...

You know what, Lexi? After all this time I still don't really know how labels work.

I started out doing them goofy because I didn't really understand them, tried to straighten them up a bit the last time you raised this issue, and then gradually slid back into being goofy because, I guess, goofy's my natural state.

Do people who know nothing of the blog really find it via labels? What would be some good labels for this piece: Borders, Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, etc?

Thanks, Lexi!

Perry Block said...

BTW, I love the way you say "jolly long time."

In case you didn't know it, we Americans are such unabashed Anglophiles!

Lexi said...

I use Statcounter, and it shows you the keywords through which people have found your blog. (Some very, very weird. Especially if your name is Lexi.) But people DO come across you via your labels.