Another 30 Reasons that 60 is Not the New 40

Yep, sounds good.  Feels right.  Guess what?

It's Bullshit!

Over the course of the past several years, I've humbly put together several lists the purpose of which is to demonstrate that unlike most Boomers would like to believe,  60 is not the new 40. The most comprehensive of these lists appears in the Huffington Post dated October 1, 2014 entitled (inaccurately) 60 Signs You're Way Past Middle Age. 

Here's another 30 reasons that 60 is not the new 40 to add to the official cannon:

1) Regardless of whether he or she likes the song Happy, somebody who is 60 thinks Pharrell Williams' hat is stupid.

2) During the years he or she was growing up, somebody who is 40 had heavily impressed upon him or her the critical importance of flossing your teeth, not just brushing. You still don't floss.

3) Somebody who is 60 grew up thinking it was cool that "Davy Crockett kilt him a bar (bear) when he was only three" instead of appalling and disgusting as somebody who is 40 clearly would have.

4)  Somebody who is 60 remembers prayer in the schools.  Somebody who is 40 only remembers prayer in the schools before the Algebra final.

5) Somebody who is 60 watched My Mother the Car.

6) When somebody who is 40 hears that there was once a TV show called Make Room for Daddy,  he or she asks "Make Room for Daddy?  Why? Was Daddy big and fat, like Governor Christie?"

7) Somebody who is 60 could easily fill in the following blank: "If you want shoes with lots of pep, get Keds, - - -, Keds." Somebody who is 40 might be able to fill in the blank, but it would have to be a totally lucky guess. 

8) Somebody who is 40 might watch The Bachelor, although I hope not.

9) Somebody who is 40 may have a toddler.  The only toddler somebody who is 60 has is himself after having one drink too many.

10) Somebody who is 40 would have no way of distinguishing between Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smith.

11) Somebody who is 60 knows precisely how Hertz put you in the driver's seat.
  
12) Somebody who is 40 does not think Father Knows Best is a television show starring actor Robert Young that somebody who is 60 used to watch long ago but one of the most sexist statements he or she has ever heard in their lives! 

13) When somebody who is 40 runs into a friend and tells him he or she is retired, the friend says "That's terrific! How did you do it?!!" When somebody who is 60 runs into a friend and tells him or her he's retired, the friend says "At your age of course you're retired!!"

14) "77 Sunset Strip (snap, snap) ." Okay, somebody who is 40: Explain the (snap, snap).

15)"From out of the blue of the western sky comes Sky King!"  Was Sky King the airplane or the pilot in this 50's TV show?  A breeze for somebody who is 60.

16) Somebody who is 40 grew up with Sesame Street.  

17) If you ask somebody who is 60 and somebody who is 40 to name British Invasion bands, somebody who is 60 could not possibly miss the Dave Clark Five, Freddy and the Dreamers, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Herman's Hermits, Peter and Gordon, and Chad and Jeremy. Somebody who is 40 gotta miss at least one.

18) Somebody who is 60 gets Beck and Jeff Beck mixed up. (You don't, fellow Boomers? I always think Beck means Jeff Beck.) 

19) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time before there was a Super Bowl.

20) Somebody who is 40 doesn't particularly give a crap that James Taylor is bald.

21)Somebody who is 60 remembers the TV spot featuring a hipper-than-hip Robert Lamm of the super group Chicago singing an anti-drug song while his hotter-than-hot girlfriend admiringly gazed at him, while somebody who is 40 wonders why anyone would pay the slightest attention to an anti-drug song by a middling keyboardist from an ancient band that did Saturday in the Park and Does Anybody Know What Time It Is? and a bunch of other songs their Dad likes. 

22) When somebody who is 40 gazes into their bathroom mirror, they do not cry out "OMG,  this mirrors on the fritz; I've got to get it into the shop for repairs!"

23) When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, somebody who is 40 does not immediately begin rapidly hitting their neck with the back of their hand in a vain attempt to smooth it out.

24) Somebody who is 40 is not at all upset by this list.  Somebody who is 40 is upset by the list  "Another 30 Reasons that 40 is not the new 20," if indeed such a list can be found to exist. 

25) Somebody who is 40 grew up with the word "hydrated."

26)  You have vivid memories of Dwight David Eisenhower. Wait a minute: nobody has vivid memories of Dwight David Eisenhower!

27) Unlike somebody who is 40 would have, somebody who is 60 didn't blink an eye at the lyrics to the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life against her will.

28) Somebody who is 40 thinks J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.

29) "Hold it, I think you're going to like this picture" --- Somebody who is 40 does not recognize this tag line, have any idea what television show it belonged to, and/or know that Ann B. Davis was a regular in a TV show before The Brady Bunch.  (Actually somebody who is 60 may not either!)

30) Somebody who is 60 never talks about memes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Gazebo in Monroe Park (FF)

(Copyright David Stewart)

Wednesday nights in summer we'd all head down to the Gazebo in the middle of Monroe Park to hear the open air concerts.

The band consisted mostly of our fathers and grandfathers and truth to say, nobody was all that good. But the music was sweet, the nights were warm, and frankly there wasn't much else to do in the town.

All of us assumed it would last forever.

Now years later there hasn't been a concert since anyone can remember and all the band member have passed on.

Even the Gazebo is gone, replaced of all things by a McDonald's.

Now I can get me a Big Mac any time I want.  This is way better than those lousy concerts!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was going to go serious until the last minute when I lost my nerve and nose dived into a virtual promo for McDonald's. Thus my contribution this week to the Friday Fictioneers consists of this lovely bit of nostalgia which reads more like nostalgia for an Egg McMuffin than for band concerts in summer. 

Click here for more palatable and tasty weekly fare from the other Friday Fictioneers.

Do you yet hear the music from long ago and far away?   Me neither, let's eat!

Alex Trebek Ruminates On His Career On the Last Day He Hosts Jeopardy

Here I am at my very last show. This is a moment, all right.  Let me compose myself for the occasion.

God, I'm so sick of this fucking gig!

This will be the last time I'll ever hear Johnny Gilbert warble

 "This is Jeopardy!"  

Thank God! The old drunk, how does a guy make a career out of saying three words, and overacting on two of them? And when is he going to retire, when his larynx actually implodes and takes out half the audience?

You know what else I won't miss? The ridiculous premise of the show! Jeopardy gives you the "answer" and you come up with the "question?" REALLY? That's been nonsensical since Art Fleming was in knickers!  All you actually do is slap an arbitrary "What is" on whatever handful of words you have to say in order to not lose control of the board.

If the category is "Revolutionary Adjectives," who would respond to a Jeopardy clue like "the Guillotine" with the question "What is bloody?"  In the real world if you were asked "What is bloody?" you would probably answer something like "the time of the month I can't get it on with my wife," not "the Guillotine." 

Check it out, people!

And I'll tell you what else is stupid: the Daily Double. When you land on a normal space on the board you immediately know the clue and amount of money at stake. Hit the Daily Double and you know neither! "That's a True Daily Double" I intone enthusiastically to the contestant seeking to double his money when what I mean is "That's a True Moron, risking it all on a clue that might conceivably reduce Ken Jennings to a blubbering idiot." 

For all the feigned intellectuality Jeopardy brings to the tube, it sure as hell doesn't bring any sartorial splendor. Who developed the dress code for this show - the cast of Hee Haw?

None of our contestants ever seems to know how to put a shirt together with a sweater that doesn't leave you feeling like you've just dropped acid. Just look at these three tonight: Our champion is wearing a shirt so heavily stained it could be pressed into service as a tablecloth in an Italian restaurant,   the challenger in the middle is an over aged lady wearing enough jewelry to populate the tombs of a half dozen Egyptian potentates, and the porky guy on the end is sporting a paisley vest that makes him look like a gay hippopotamus.

Some people say I'm a little cold. They say I don't smile enough, that I'm not sympathetic to the feelings of kids on Jeopardy Teen Tournaments, and that I have no interest in the life stories of the contestants.  Yep, right on all counts!  

After 30 years, how could I possibly give a crap that our champion met his wife over an award-winning Mud Cake with Gummy Worms at a Pillsbury Bake-off in Wichita, Kansas or that Junior here took a break from masturbating to build a robot whose primary functionality is masturbating? Like I’m ever going to see these people again after I finish pretending to be listening to their palaver at show's end?

Frankly I'm only interested in the contestants with big boobs.  I'd love to go into Final Jeopardy with any one of them.

I wonder what Pat Sajak is thinking about my retiring. I hate that stupid smiley faced simp! I can't believe the guy was once actually given a late night talk show. He pulls down a talk show, I get Colonial Penn Life Insurance! He got to chat up Paris Hilton, I’m hanging with lunch ladies obsessed with burial costs.

And, trust me, the Colonial Penn benefit stinks.  It's not enough to bury a flea. 

I guess the funniest thing is the way so many people think I know all the answers on Jeopardy.  Ha!  Except for Potent Potables, I hardly know any.  My mustache is smarter than I am; when I shave it I can barely make it to the studio and back.

I wonder what retirement is going to be like.

The Jeopardy Clue: Another reason I can't believe I ever found that shrew appealing before I wound up home all the time!

The correct Jeopardy Question: What is "Leave the goddamn toilet seat down, jerk!"

See, folks?  There's another example of the ridiculous premise of the show!

~~~~~~~~~

Note: This is a humor piece only and is not meant to actually depict or convey the true thoughts and/or opinions of the real Alex Trebek.  However, if I've actually hit it perfectly, that is so damn cool!

On the Trail of the Blobbit (FF)

 © Copyright – Rachel Bjerke

As they arrived in the clearing, Hayes and Biggins were certain they had at long last found what they sought.

"We've done it, Biggins!" said Hayes. "We've finally succeeded in tracking the Blobbit's lair by following his nightly call."

"And to think," replied Biggins, "neither you nor I has ever actually seen a Blobbit." 

"I'm going to inspect his dwelling place," ventured Hayes, as he cautiously approached the dwelling's entrance and entered.

"No, no, Hayes!"  cried Biggins.   

It was too late.  The entrance closed around Hayes, fully enveloping him.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"

"Darn it," said Biggins, "another second and I'd have recognized the Blobbit's eyes and mouth!  But I'll bet you Friday Fictioneers saw this contrived ending coming a mile away."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, this is kind of your standard issue "wild creature or alien unexpectedly turns out to eat people" story.  I think it's registered as Lame Storyline No. 37A in the annals of "Friday Fictioneer Desperation," last published Feb, 2013.

But what do you want from me?  I haven't had my laptop in a week. I'm lucky I still remember how to type!  At least you have about 100 other stories to chose from, none of them hopefully mentioning the Blobbit or any fascimile thereof, by clicking here.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"  I gotta say that Hayes was tasty!