Ring In The Not-So-New

In the style of  the Onion*

Speaking publicly today, area man Lance Goldberg stated that to his dismay he cannot ascertain that anything whatsoever has changed since 2014 ended and 2015 began.

"It's uncanny!" exclaimed Mr. Goldberg. "I was at a party recently where people were drinking and celebrating because the year 2014 was expiring and being replaced by new year 2015, and we watched throngs in Times Square in New York City cheering wildly as an enormous festively lit and decorated ball dropped through the night sky to signify the event."

"Naturally after all that hoopla, you'd expect all kinds of things to immediately change," said Goldberg, "but not a damn thing is different!"

"So what the hell were we celebrating? An arbitrary blip on the calendar?" 

According to Goldberg, the same scandals, corruption, and shootings are in the news in 2015 as in 2014. Kim Kardashian is still considered hot copy in 2015, just as in 2014. And most people are still saying "expresso" instead of "espresso" in 2015, just as in 2014.

"I am especially amazed that that those stupid quizzes like What Kind of Furball Are You? are still on Buzzfeed and other websites in 2015, just as in 2014," noted Goldberg.

Mr. Goldberg has painstakingly compiled a list of over 9,000 things that have remained the same in 2015 as in 2014, which includes the difficulty of pronouncing and spelling the name "Benedict Cumberbatch," Mr. Goldberg's own wife's highly disagreeable disposition, and how tricky it is to get lasagna stains out of crushed velvet.

"It's unbelievable but I have yet to find anything that has changed," commented Goldberg.  "Best I can determine is that maybe the normal massive annual changes sometimes skip a year and that when 2015 makes way for 2016, hold on to your hats!"

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 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of. 

Let's Move Before They Raise The Parking Rate (FF)

© Copyright Jean L. Hays

"So, Jason, did you get a closer look at the parking sign?"

"Yeah, I did. Took me a minute or so to psych it out."

"Well, what did it say?"

"Behind the sign, there’s two hour parking from Monday through Friday 9:00 AM to 8:00 PM.  Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays, you can park four hours until 7:00 PM, then one hour until 8:00 AM."

"What about in front of the sign?"

"No parking Monday through Friday, 7:00 AM through 1:00PM, then 1/2 hour parking through 2:00 AM, with unlimited parking on Saturday and Sunday until 5:00 PM except on leap year, when it’s 15 minute parking 3:00 PM through 11:50 PM on Saturday and 11:55 PM Sunday."

"So should we park in front of the sign or behind the sign?"

"Neither."

"Neither?  Why?"

"Because, dude, we're on foot!"

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I've never been known as a particularly good automobile parker.  In fact, I'm so bad at parking I refer to parallel parking as perpendicular parking. So I'd never relish having to decipher and act upon the sign featured in my Friday Fictioneers' offering this week as based on the picture prompt above.

However, you can park it yourself right here if you want to read this week's posts of the other Friday Fictioneers. I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Then again if I'm trying to park a car, I could be steering you anywhere!

Must Love Dogs

Most of us love dogs and I am no exception. But I haven’t owned a dog in quite some time and I'm not always sure how to behave around them.

And frankly, whenever I encounter someone else's dog these days, I'm not even sure I want to be around them!

Take the case of Sophie, the poodle owned by my friend Ellen. Whenever I go to visit Ellen, Sophie barks, jumps up and down frenetically, and wraps her paws around my legs like she's begging me not to foreclose on her mortgage.

There’s just one problem.

When I first walk through the door of Ellen's house, I'm nowhere near ready for this level of affection. And I'm certainly nowhere near ready for the slobbery sticky face licking of the sort Sophie dispenses, not even if Sophie were somehow magically transformed into Scarlett Johansson.

"Hello, Sophie, how are you?"  I say stiffly.  "Ever so nice to see you."

That's the best I can muster this early on in my interaction with a pooch - anybody’s pooch - man’s or woman’s best friend or not. Sophie meanwhile is jumping ever higher and more excitedly on her hind legs, the better to unleash a full frontal doggy smooching assault on my face and body.

"No, no, Sophie, please I've just washed my face,” I plead.  “And hands too!  And this is a new cashmere sweater!”

Meanwhile Sophie's owner, flush with affection for her four-legged pride and joy, is intent on imbuing that very same affection into my canine curmudgeonly psyche.

"Sophie-kins, give some lovey-wovey to Perry.  Isn't she a good girl, isn't she a good girl?  You make kissy face with Perry!"

Oh, that unique quality in all of humanity to think every one of us must love their pets almost as much as they do! Were that trait not to exist, there would be three cat videos on Facebook and the rest political diatribes and people changing their profile picture.

But then as I settle into visiting my friend, a curious thing happens.  As I'm having coffee with Ellen, a more calmed down Sophie nuzzles against my leg.

No humping. No licking. Just snuggling.

"That's a good girl, Sophie," I said, rubbing her head softly. "Yes, you are a nice puppy, you are."

One hour goes by.

"Yes, you are a pretty girl, aren't you, Sophie! Aren't you, Sophie?" I coo in a voice I haven't used since I was five. "Yes, you are the sweetest little Sophie-kins in all the world!”

Oh, that unique quality in all of humanity to, after a short while, come to love someone else's pets almost as much as they do.

No wonder there are so many cat videos on Facebook.  

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A Fine Bromance

“Sorry to hear things aren’t going well in your marriage, Mark.”

“That's an understatement, Perry. My wife is never home anymore. She’s always out shopping.”

 “Well, that’s not unusual. Many women like to go shopping.”

“For small arms weaponry?” 

“Oh. So what do you want to do? Get a divorce? Look for a woman on the side?” 

No, I can't afford either.

“What then?”

“I want a bromance! A close friendship with another man to fill the void.”

“I've heard of bromances. But where do you go to meet another guy to have bromance with?”

“Perry, there are bromance bars all over town! Ben Affleck and Matt Damon just opened a string of them. Sometimes they show “I Love You, Man” on continuous loop.” 

“So you're going to frequent bromance bars and hit on guys to have bromance with?”

“Yeah, baby! I'm gonna be out at night cruisin' the bars looking for hot bromance!”

“Well, do you have any idea how to hit on guys in a bromance bar?”

“I think I'll pick out a sensitive looking guy who seems like he'd be swell to discuss the Eagles or Flyers with, and then pitch him a slick line.”  

“Something like ‘Where have you been all my life? Shopping at Home Depot?’    

“Yeah, or maybe ‘Come here to watch televised sports often?’ or ‘Buy you a drink, tall, dark, and platonic?’"  

“So let's say you start connecting with a dude and you're finding you have a lot in common, how do you then ‘move the party’ elsewhere, if you catch my drift?”

“ I think you ask the fella if he wants to go hit some golf balls. Then if all goes well you invite him back to your place for a nightcap and when the timing is right, you pop the question: ‘Would you be my bromance!’" 

  "I think you'd better wait on that.”

“ Why?”

  

“ You want to make good and sure it's true bromance, not just puppy bromance.”

“Oh, right. Well, I'm off to hit some bromance bars. Care to come with?”

“No, thanks.” 

  "How come?”

“ Call me old-fashioned, but I’m still looking for romance.” 

“I understand.”

      “But, Mark, just in case …”

 “Yes?”

“Save me a seat.”

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